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    dots Submission Name: The Beesdots

    Author: isselman2001
    Elite Ratio:    5.38 - 37/47/46
    Words: 107
    Class/Type: Poetry/Death
    Total Views: 720
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 679


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    dotsThe Beesdots

    Upon the gorge, the sleepy plains
    The wind twirls like a dizzy top
    And dreams of yellow light and white
    Come dreaming through the fog.

    Upon a snowy fog-lamp day
    A man is moving through the hay
    As though descending through the gloom
    The doom, the doom, the doom, the doom.

    A foggy mistress comes to see
    Where can her snowy mister be?
    She shuts the door, begins to cry
    The snowy wind howls her reply.

    The forestís clothed in snowy bibs
    And bees are buzzing in their sleep
    And little children in their cribs
    Will weep and weep and weep and weep.

    Submitted on 2009-04-02 22:38:24     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      I could hear drums at the end of the second stanza. I liked it, it feels musical for me.

    The doom, the doom, the doom, the doom. It remembers me of the warning bells in Alkan's "Fire in the Neighboor Village". Actually, the middle section of this piece fits perfectly both the poem and the picture.
    | Posted on 2010-07-27 00:00:00 | by pierrot | [ Reply to This ]
      I like the picture and how this is a cloud gazing sort of poem. I think, however, that without the picture I wouldn't have wanted to re read the poem the 3 to 4 times I did.

    You know what I'd do, I'd scrap all but the last stanza and the go find a nice summery picture of a painting, where the artist smudged it up like a mo fo and then put some variation into two to three build up stanzas depicting summery stuff, some clear lines, some smudged ones (for the thinkers) and clear and smudged in a metrical sense too, link that baby up with some internal rhyme and nice sound and then let that last stanza drop as the bomb it should be instead of the bomb that sits there and doesn't go off...

    "hey bill.... bill...is that a bomb over there in the yard?"

    just my take and sense of what you were trying to achieve here.
    | Posted on 2009-04-03 00:00:00 | by Daniel Barlow | [ Reply to This ]

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