Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: If Became Whendots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: BlazeFlamme
    ASL Info:    22/m/TX
    Elite Ratio:    1.8 - 23/161/138
    Words: 139
    Class/Type: Poetry/Serious
    Total Views: 429
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 933



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsIf Became Whendots
    -------------------------------------------


    And my voice would tremble
    With no release
    All alone
    But not in peace

    And my eyes would dry
    My heart would ache
    Try to look fine
    Just for your sake

    And I'd shake restless
    I'd roll and I'd toss
    How could I sleep
    With such a big loss

    And I'd lay still for hours
    No way to entertain
    The shell of a man
    Enduring such a pain

    And I'd smile when you looked
    I'd put on a face
    With tales of happiness
    I lack in this place

    And I'd still be waiting
    Though I'd try and act strong
    Maybe not an eternity
    I'd wait about that long

    And I'd pray for you daily
    I'd hold memories dear
    Each prayer is about you
    I wonder can you hear

    If you gave up




    Submitted on 2009-04-06 01:13:13     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      A very nice thoughtful poem, --- but a few suggestions:-
    S3. L1. And restless I'd shake

    S4. And I'd lay still for hours
    But can't entertain
    This shell of myself
    Enduring such pain.

    S5. L3. telling of happiness

    S6. L4. It might seem that long.

    S5. L3. Telling of happiness

    S7. L3. Every thought's about you
    " L4 That I'd hope you could hear.

    Your last line needs more punch, more:-
    IF YOU WALKED OUT.
    Your title, brilliant! "IF BECAME WHEN."
    Loved it, nicely emotional. Ted.
    | Posted on 2009-04-06 00:00:00 | by edcherry | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    172977

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    In My Head written by faideddarkness
    The First Time written by Wolfwatching
    Summer Nights written by ollie_wicked
    Commencement written by Ramneet
    A Fire! A Knife! A Black Crow Calls! written by HisNameIsNoMore
    On Top of a Water Wheel written by Wolfwatching
    When Crows Tick on Windows written by metallichick786
    Genesis written by saartha
    Can't let my demons go written by faideddarkness
    Faith In Line written by MyPeriodical
    Legends written by poetotoe
    4th Season of Vivaldi written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Limbo written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Stretto written by saartha
    I'm here written by BloodtornAngel
    It's been a while written by Sharati_hottie
    Blood to Plowshares written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Munyonyo written by expiring_touch
    All Time Low written by Janesaddiction
    Cage written by distortedcloud
    Bam written by Daniel Barlow
    Our Cinder Crisis written by SavedDragon
    Convergence written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Wasps written by Wolfwatching
    By the bar written by expiring_touch
    Hollow Points written by RequiemOfDreams
    Watch them Die written by HisNameIsNoMore
    untitled written by Chelebel
    Love and Solitaire written by HisNameIsNoMore
    On Loop written by Daniel Barlow

    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry