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    dots Submission Name: If Became Whendots

    Author: BlazeFlamme
    ASL Info:    22/m/TX
    Elite Ratio:    1.81 - 23/160/138
    Words: 139
    Class/Type: Poetry/Serious
    Total Views: 419
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 933


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    dotsIf Became Whendots

    And my voice would tremble
    With no release
    All alone
    But not in peace

    And my eyes would dry
    My heart would ache
    Try to look fine
    Just for your sake

    And I'd shake restless
    I'd roll and I'd toss
    How could I sleep
    With such a big loss

    And I'd lay still for hours
    No way to entertain
    The shell of a man
    Enduring such a pain

    And I'd smile when you looked
    I'd put on a face
    With tales of happiness
    I lack in this place

    And I'd still be waiting
    Though I'd try and act strong
    Maybe not an eternity
    I'd wait about that long

    And I'd pray for you daily
    I'd hold memories dear
    Each prayer is about you
    I wonder can you hear

    If you gave up

    Submitted on 2009-04-06 01:13:13     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      A very nice thoughtful poem, --- but a few suggestions:-
    S3. L1. And restless I'd shake

    S4. And I'd lay still for hours
    But can't entertain
    This shell of myself
    Enduring such pain.

    S5. L3. telling of happiness

    S6. L4. It might seem that long.

    S5. L3. Telling of happiness

    S7. L3. Every thought's about you
    " L4 That I'd hope you could hear.

    Your last line needs more punch, more:-
    Your title, brilliant! "IF BECAME WHEN."
    Loved it, nicely emotional. Ted.
    | Posted on 2009-04-06 00:00:00 | by edcherry | [ Reply to This ]

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