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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: carnationsdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: besodemuerte
    ASL Info:    31/f/pa
    Elite Ratio:    5.83 - 242/253/27
    Words: 60
    Class/Type: Poetry/Love
    Total Views: 670
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 342



    Description:
       my flowers died


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotscarnationsdots
    -------------------------------------------


    tonight i cried as the flowers died
    that you brought to my house last week
    it was like they knew that me and you
    were fighting the love that we seek
    so sadly they fell to depressions spell
    their bodies imitating my soul
    but unlike them and their dying stem
    we still have a chance to be whole




    Submitted on 2009-04-06 02:14:16     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      this could be good but it needs a lot of work to become so. It's dangerous territory because the flowers and love deal is well explored territory. Overall I think you might improve this but cutting down on the syllable count of each line. A lot of your phrasings are extended in order that you meet the present rhythm. Also, I think the soul/whole rhyme has to go if the poems of flowers and love is to survive.

    rhythm change:

    i cried tonight as flowers died,
    that you'd brought over just last week,
    as if they knew that me and you
    were spoiling all the love we seek....

    from there it's a process of 'these are my bare bones'

    what do you want to say and how do you want to say it. keeping that intent and general phrasing in mind you try out different end rhymes for size,

    you take a look at how all the words in a line connect by way of the sounds they make and the meanings they carry and you apply this to the line before and the line after,

    with your beginning middle and end.

    I feel if you make this kinds of choices and explore the process then the exciting part of people connecting to the work or you capturing what it is you wanted to say just takes care of itself.


    I think in many instances a poem should be an evolution of sketches that suddenly realize moments of color.

    you have a sketch here and that's no bad thing.

    DB
    | Posted on 2009-04-06 00:00:00 | by Daniel Barlow | [ Reply to This ]
      I really like this poem with its rhythm and rhyming. However, Line 3 is ungrammatical, --- your "me" needs to be "I". But I and you seems odd so perhaps it needs to be:-

    it was like they knew that you and I

    (luckily no rhyme difficulty with a change)
    You have a nice feel for poetry. Ted.
    | Posted on 2009-04-06 00:00:00 | by edcherry | [ Reply to This ]


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