[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav

  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav

    << | >>

    dots Submission Name: She'd Never Tell Youdots

    Author: lebeauvide
    ASL Info:    24/F
    Elite Ratio:    2.29 - 75/295/165
    Words: 113
    Class/Type: Poetry/Depressed
    Total Views: 509
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 739


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsShe'd Never Tell Youdots

    She'd never tell you how much it hurts
    To be on the outside looking in.
    She tries and she tries to be just like you,
    But she can never win.

    She wears a smile that isn't real,
    And hides her thoughts away.
    She has a facade that cannot feel,
    Made of words she'll never say.

    She breaks apart little by little,
    And soon there will be nothing left.
    She tries act like it's all okay,
    But the knife twists harder in her chest.

    So she'll just walk on by,
    Not showing how much it really stings.
    She'll just pretend that it doesn't matter,
    And that it's not worth noticing.

    Submitted on 2009-04-06 21:54:34     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      line eleven is missing a word, i do believe, and ultimately, your "flat" approach does little to sell your heart. there is an absence of structure found only in compatible lines, of meter, not simply the final word which fits together so well, abababab. break away from childhood poetry schemes, notice keats and hikmet, who offer their writing with rhyme and structure through pivotal oppportunities, not forced considerations. there are times when dealing with your heart, when thinking about a girl, you have to allow the words to be as they are, there is no modification necessary. please keep working with this piece, it has great potential and tells of something you truly care for. thanks for sharing.
    | Posted on 2009-10-02 00:00:00 | by nwproud | [ Reply to This ]
      i actually enjoyed how you religiously stuck to the rhythm of the poem,it shows you put some thought into it.

    But I do think what you were actually saying came out very flat,

    The imagery of the knife twisting in her chest,this was very bland in my opinnion,

    and essentially thats what I think this poem really lacks,imagery to move the reader,something they havent heard before.

    But I respect the fact you were almost overly-cautious with this poem,therefore youve at least left room for improvement.


    | Posted on 2009-04-08 00:00:00 | by Raphael | [ Reply to This ]
      I like this to a point because it seems as if the speaker veils the fact that she is she.

    loose meter/rhythm can be very emotive of things like indecision, powerlessness etc, in just changing the pace/tone of a poem

    the major problem here is that the phrasing is mostly all the same shade of grey.

    I suggest to you that if you can build just one line of fresh words, then you can build a stanza, that if you can build a stanza, you can build a whole poem etc etc etc.

    I was working on a love poem today, trying to shock some life into it when it read too familiar and that's what I tried to do.

    Take care of one line at a time and the feeling that resides here will likely take care of the rest.

    | Posted on 2009-04-07 00:00:00 | by Daniel Barlow | [ Reply to This ]
      Interesting piece. It almost has a mood of restrained melancholy. Sad about the inevitable pain of life. The pain though, is ambiguous. If there was slightly more direction about the source of the pain/sadness, it would feel less vague.

    Nice piece over all, though. Thank you for sharing.
    | Posted on 2009-04-06 00:00:00 | by thepowerglider | [ Reply to This ]

    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?


    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    The Unicorn written by BlazeFlamme
    prison written by ShyOne
    Primitive Lapse written by Crestfallenman
    Physician, Heal Thyself written by WriteSomething
    The Severed Head written by HisNameIsNoMore
    4th Season of Vivaldi written by HisNameIsNoMore
    descent written by TheBadSadMan
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (7) written by endlessgame23
    no words for how graceful you are in this moment written by Daniel Barlow
    Journey written by endlessgame23
    Sleep Talk written by Queen_of_spades
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (2) written by endlessgame23
    phantom limbs written by expiring_touch
    Shut Up written by annie0888
    Waiting written by Daniel Barlow
    the living moment written by ShyOne
    To the Devil and Candle written by HisNameIsNoMore
    The Old Mill written by Wolfwatching
    winners circle written by ShyOne
    Fasade written by jackz
    Or are we written in the sand? written by Chelebel
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (3) written by endlessgame23
    Comme un lion en avril written by Outlaw
    a safe place written by Daniel Barlow
    Every..... written by jackz
    mimicry written by expiring_touch
    My Four Seasons written by faideddarkness
    I, Plutarch written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Blood Stains Are The Worst written by ForgottenGraves
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (final) written by endlessgame23




    User Name:


    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]

    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]

    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]