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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: She'd Never Tell Youdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: lebeauvide
    ASL Info:    24/F
    Elite Ratio:    2.29 - 75/295/165
    Words: 113
    Class/Type: Poetry/Depressed
    Total Views: 535
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 739



    Description:
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    dotsShe'd Never Tell Youdots
    -------------------------------------------


    She'd never tell you how much it hurts
    To be on the outside looking in.
    She tries and she tries to be just like you,
    But she can never win.

    She wears a smile that isn't real,
    And hides her thoughts away.
    She has a facade that cannot feel,
    Made of words she'll never say.

    She breaks apart little by little,
    And soon there will be nothing left.
    She tries act like it's all okay,
    But the knife twists harder in her chest.

    So she'll just walk on by,
    Not showing how much it really stings.
    She'll just pretend that it doesn't matter,
    And that it's not worth noticing.




    Submitted on 2009-04-06 21:54:34     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      line eleven is missing a word, i do believe, and ultimately, your "flat" approach does little to sell your heart. there is an absence of structure found only in compatible lines, of meter, not simply the final word which fits together so well, abababab. break away from childhood poetry schemes, notice keats and hikmet, who offer their writing with rhyme and structure through pivotal oppportunities, not forced considerations. there are times when dealing with your heart, when thinking about a girl, you have to allow the words to be as they are, there is no modification necessary. please keep working with this piece, it has great potential and tells of something you truly care for. thanks for sharing.
    tony
    | Posted on 2009-10-02 00:00:00 | by nwproud | [ Reply to This ]
      i actually enjoyed how you religiously stuck to the rhythm of the poem,it shows you put some thought into it.

    But I do think what you were actually saying came out very flat,

    The imagery of the knife twisting in her chest,this was very bland in my opinnion,

    and essentially thats what I think this poem really lacks,imagery to move the reader,something they havent heard before.

    But I respect the fact you were almost overly-cautious with this poem,therefore youve at least left room for improvement.

    -Craig

    | Posted on 2009-04-08 00:00:00 | by Raphael | [ Reply to This ]
      I like this to a point because it seems as if the speaker veils the fact that she is she.

    loose meter/rhythm can be very emotive of things like indecision, powerlessness etc, in just changing the pace/tone of a poem

    the major problem here is that the phrasing is mostly all the same shade of grey.

    I suggest to you that if you can build just one line of fresh words, then you can build a stanza, that if you can build a stanza, you can build a whole poem etc etc etc.

    I was working on a love poem today, trying to shock some life into it when it read too familiar and that's what I tried to do.

    Take care of one line at a time and the feeling that resides here will likely take care of the rest.

    DB
    | Posted on 2009-04-07 00:00:00 | by Daniel Barlow | [ Reply to This ]
      Interesting piece. It almost has a mood of restrained melancholy. Sad about the inevitable pain of life. The pain though, is ambiguous. If there was slightly more direction about the source of the pain/sadness, it would feel less vague.

    Nice piece over all, though. Thank you for sharing.
    | Posted on 2009-04-06 00:00:00 | by thepowerglider | [ Reply to This ]


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