Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Lifedots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Texan_Poet
    ASL Info:    20/F/daydreaming
    Elite Ratio:    5.7 - 127/123/48
    Words: 56
    Class/Type: Story/
    Total Views: 454
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 440



    Description:
       Talking from experence, this is often how life is.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsLifedots
    -------------------------------------------


    Twisting, warping, changing,
    Mutilating;
    Cutting, slicing, dicing,
    Fighting?
    It's far too late for that little one.
    You belong to me now;
    And there is no escape.
    You will do whatever I say,
    Whatever I wish you to do.
    Resist?
    See what happens,
    It should be entertaining.
    Hahaha!!!
    You cannot win,
    You shouldn't have been so trusting.




    Submitted on 2009-04-07 10:09:56     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Hmmmm....

    I liked the way this started - I do like a sequence of "action" words and I sometimes do this myself in poems.

    I feel it would've worked better if you had followed "changing" with a 2 syllable word, like you did in the next line. I assume by "mutalating", you meant "mutilating".

    Sorry to sound petty, but it should be "too" in "to late".

    As the poem progressed I felt it fell apart and you seemed to be struggling to come up with new lines.

    I think this was a nice idea, but I don't feel it really worked. Anyway, keep up the writing.
    | Posted on 2009-04-11 00:00:00 | by alexboy | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    173024

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    Treasure Chest written by PieceOfCake
    Neither Here nor There written by layDsayD
    Date night written by expiring_touch
    Fathoms of the Lullaby Sea written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Push written by JanePlane
    Wish written by Daniel Barlow
    Summer Nights written by ollie_wicked
    To the King written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Pressure written by hybridsongwrite
    cleverly shunned written by CrypticBard
    In My Head written by faideddarkness
    The Song on Your Guitar written by SavedDragon
    Transparent written by Daniel Barlow
    The Promise written by annie0888
    To written by SavedDragon
    One Thing written by Wolfwatching
    Red Barn written by rev.jpfadeproof
    Devils in the Details written by endlessgame23
    To Glow written by krs3332003
    Song written by Daniel Barlow
    Whiteout written by layDsayD
    102.3 written by rev.jpfadeproof
    Deaf Dumb and Blind is no excuse written by poetotoe
    Linger written by saartha
    Be Free written by hybridsongwrite
    untitled written by Chelebel
    It's Night Now written by RisingSon
    Wavelength written by saartha
    Wasps written by Wolfwatching
    Love Can Be... written by HAVENSMITH92

    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry