Description: Definately not one of my best works. However, I think it worthy of review all the same. Advice and critisim welcome.
A note on the personal. The relationship between myself and this girl has progressed dramaticly since I wrote this poem. Some of these questions have been answered and a fairly open communative relationship has been established between us. However...some of these questions remain.
Have you an interest in me after all?
Still just a friend, or do I have a chance?
I now have your number, but should I call?
What are the right steps to take in this dance?
After a confession of affection
Can a truely healthy close friendship form?
questions answered with truth or deflection?
Will I be greeted with warmth or a storm?
When you said you wanted me as a friend
should I be able by intuition
to know you've chosen him, to my hope's end,
or that I must win with competition?
Do I court you and with romance proceed?
To earn your heart is my love's want and need.
You have some interesting various of meter that allow me to see the promise here.
You have too many modifiers that seem there as feet for the rhythm more than for content.
However, sonnets are not easy things to become used to, right now you are walking in Gumboots left foot in right boot etc, but there's no shame in that. I have walked that same walk.
Check out 'she held the blinding...'
'beauty by the sea'
'country boy'
not as self promotion, just as examples of other ways to attempt to walk in ip.
the natural course of things we see you right in time.
I have a few problems with this,firstly,your description is quite un-necessary,you would be better off letting the poem speak for itself to be honest.
Relating to your actual writing I do think you could have done a lot better,for every line that shows a bit of promise,theres another just thrown in to fit with your rhyming scheme.
Thats the main problem here,if you choose to use simplistic phrases in a tight rhyming scheme then your words will often come off in-sincere.
I dont doubt your honesty,but I feel like choice of words have betrayed you and what you meant them to convey.
"Do I court you and with romance proceed?
To earn your heart is my love's want and need."
That was clunky and distant for me,and you really need the end to be something more impacting to the reader.
If I were you I would just start writing in constant free-verse,do some experimenting,then gradually you can use what youve learned in more traditional structures such as what you have attempted here.
I dont mean to dis-courage you either,I think even you yourself know this could be so much better,and
I can appreciate the effort you put in to make sure everything flowed word-count wise etc.
So I would just say keep at it.
I wish you well and Im glad you were open to review.
Submission Name: Questions
