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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Break...dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Shadowstar13
    Elite Ratio:    4.73 - 191/191/129
    Words: 49
    Class/Type: Poetry/Dark
    Total Views: 637
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 306



    Description:
       Ramblings of a mind glad to have its computer back. I swear, sometimes I think these keys are possessing me....
    *hugs monitor* My preciousssss......
    So SHOORT, waah. xD Well, my brain;s on another poem I really want to hack out. Cheerio.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsBreak...dots
    -------------------------------------------


    I have to control my fury
    I have to take my cries
    Before my eyes turn blurry
    And shove them back inside

    This is the cost of life's cruelty,
    A life that's lost to blank fool's games
    I turned to immortality
    And laid on you is the blame.




    Submitted on 2009-04-12 18:19:28     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      I like edcherry's ideas, but on the second line of the first stanza, I would choose "I have to hold back my cries" or "I must strangle my cries" and second stanza, second line I think "A life that's lost to a fool's mechocistic games" (I really dont think I spelled that right) would fit better. An idea for the last line: "And laid on you is the impotent blame"

    Just an idea or two, it's still awesome.
    Lady Rose
    | Posted on 2009-04-13 00:00:00 | by Texan_Poet | [ Reply to This ]
      Good, I like this. I think it could be tweaked a bit. For your consideration, how about:-

    S1. L 2. ------------ catch my cries
    S2. L2. ------------ blind-fold games
    L4. And lay on you the weight of blame.

    Yep, I enjoyed this one, thanks. Ted.
    | Posted on 2009-04-12 00:00:00 | by edcherry | [ Reply to This ]
      Wow... just... wow. This fits perfectly something that happened not ten minutes ago. *in shock* Will comment more when my brain starts working again.

    Lady Rose
    | Posted on 2009-04-12 00:00:00 | by Texan_Poet | [ Reply to This ]


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