Description: Here is my newest installment in the Seven Deadly Sins series. This one portrays anger. I really think this is one of the darkest poems I've ever written, and I purposely made every stanza 4 lines long except for the last one.
Anger (Part III of VII) -------------------------------------------
It's the hot, murky slime
That courses through your veins
That erupts like lava
Through your screams, your outcries.
It's the ravenous beast
That's always hungry for blood
And when unleashed
It rips you and all else to shreds.
It's the double-edged sword
That allows you to slay your enemies
But, going uncontrolled
It slices your friends as well.
It's the venemous serpent
That hides behind your heart
It beckons them to come closer
Only to strike from the shadows.
It's the stove of your emotions
That boils your blood
And as it melts your senses
Causes your mind to bake.
So as your frustration builds
Into madness, and then transforms
Into fury
Be aware of your actions.
Because your explosive emotions
Will not just decimate your friends
But obliterate your soul as well
Commentary type: Unspecified
(read greed now reading this)
1. "That erupts like lava"
This turned me off the mood of anger. Its quite basic that it erupts like lava. This has to be changed.
2. "It slices your friends as well." Another line that turns the mood of the poem offset.
3. All an all you have explained anger rather than make the reader feel. There is practically less of the feeling anger and more on how anger is felt in the poem.
(If you want how it can be written then you can read my poem "Hate" -- it should perfectly make you feel like to hate someone. -- i "IF" you want to read it then go ahead)
4. The ending I did not like it. Not because of the three line or four line but cause the fact that anger abliterate the soul sounded baseless.
5. A soul is not bound by emotions but is dependent on them for survivial. Blank page is not what a human is. So friends relate to human feelings which one of them is anger. A soul cannot be related in the manner explained.
Another good poem that describes another part of chaotic life.
The last three stanzas struck me the most. “The stove of your emotions” “Be aware of your actions” “But obliterate your soul as well”
The first has such a strong analogy, it was really cool to read it in that way. Something you normally wouldn’t really think about.
The second for me holds a kind of morality, like someone who has been down that dreaded path wants to save you the trouble. Sometimes it seems like no one cares anymore, and everyone can do what they want. Im glad you show consequence in your poem.
The third is another strong warning, and again shows the consequences of uncontrolled rage.
Great poem! Again I look foreword to the next!
"It's the hot, murky slime
That courses through your veins
That erupts like lava
Through your screams, your outcries."
you start out amazingly but you end kind of flat, it's sort of anticlimactic after all your well your angst that you begin with. I think it's the last line that seems flat, you have a nice flow of description though these lines except for that one.
"It's the ravenous beast
That's always hungry for blood
And when unleashed
It rips you and all else to shreds."
I think you should deal with this as a more basic attack on oneself. Like instead of encompassing everyone else try to contain it to the one person who is raging with this sin. so try testing this out without the "and all else" and try to bring it more close to home to impact your reader more so. The harsh tone you have set though balances this really nicely and im impressed. I would suggest a sharp object though to impress upon them through the sense of pain and sight, so like anything but a razor should work. Like i said experiment and don't be afraid to step out of the norm, you are attempting to write a set of poems that has been written about for centuries in texts, try to state beyond what is normally perceive through most of this and expand.
"It's the double-edged sword
That allows you to slay your enemies
But, going uncontrolled
It slices your friends as well."
A clichéd metaphor that was worked in nicely without over coming your set thought. Brilliantly done without over doing it. Also anger seems to be a type of self destruct type...thing. So again you should try and wrap the "angered person" into this, how it effects them and relationships. I hope i make sense...
"It's the [venomous] serpent
That hides behind your heart
It beckons them to come closer
Only to strike from the shadows."
The word in brackets is a spelling error. Oh lovely imagery here. I love this and find the simple yet sinister aspect to be very appealing. So not much to critique here it seems the more i read of yours the more you improve. I love watching you grow as a writer so far it's been interesting and enlightening.
"It's the stove of your emotions
That boils your blood
And as it melts your senses
Causes your mind to bake."
I've noticed throughout most of this you have the use of the word "It's" you can take this out and still have it work properly.
"The Stove of your emotions" see? it still works out nicely without detracting from you set thought process. This seem kinds of cliché though gives a vision of hell. I would try and take out most of this and turn it into something else. The fact that one whole stanza devotes itself to "heat' and the rest don't have the same theme going on i wouldn't start now.
"So as your frustration builds
Into madness, and then transforms
Into fury==Be aware of your actions."
I would try and format this a bit better make it, join the last two lines and clean it up a bit. I think fury would be the "anger" that leads to "madness" so you might want to switch that around to be more effective.
"Because your explosive emotions
Will not just decimate your friends
But obliterate your soul as well"
With this stanza in separation from the previous one i would suggest you take out the "because" and just lead on with Your, i love the ending though and am quit honored to be the first to comment on this beautifully typed poem.
All in all this poem is generously made and wonderfully formatted, the emotions are there with a few exceptions but each could be easily fixed or manipulated in a way to work for the whole.
Submission Name: Anger (Part III of VII)
