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    dots Submission Name: The Heart of Longingdots

    Author: Swimming Bird
    ASL Info:    31/m/AR
    Elite Ratio:    5.36 - 92/90/27
    Words: 152
    Class/Type: Poetry/Longing
    Total Views: 958
    Average Vote:    4.0000
    Bytes: 925

       I know it needs a little cleaning up. Any suggestions?

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsThe Heart of Longingdots

    Betwixt the dusk 'til well past noon,
    Beneath the stars or sun or moon,
    In all the things I say and do
    My thoughts, they oft return to you.
    To see your eyes, to feel your touch,
    My body yearns and craves for such.
    To hear your laugh, to taste your lips,
    To trace you with my fingertips.
    To hold your hand and watch you stare,
    To share with you the night's cool air.
    There are no words which can express
    Such simple, utter, happiness.
    I want all of you, bad and good.
    From daughter, wife, to motherhood.
    To share your breath, to be a part
    Of comforting your bleeding heart.
    To hold you when you start to cry,
    To be the wings with which you fly.
    To be with you would be a dream,
    Reality is cruel it seems.
    But hope endures that one day we,
    Shall make this dream reality.

    Submitted on 2009-04-15 09:40:37     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      The first line should or could possibly use a simple word change for betwixt, like 'among' or 'halfway' just to throw those out.

    The second line is clearly what was in it's rough draft.

    Under star or sun or moon,

    Try: Below stars about sun and moon
    or Beneath stars close to sun and moon phase.
    That line could be tightened.

    Oft, it wouldn't hurt to make that 'often'
    and what comes after that is pretty much okay:

    To see your eyes, to feel your touch,
    My body yearns and craves for such.
    To hear your laugh, to taste your lips,
    To trace you with my fingertips.
    To hold your hand and watch you stare,
    To share with you the night's cool air.
    There are no words which can express

    I liked that, it has slickness even though 'To' is appearing too much but it's not even a big deal if you think of Old English and old fashioned written sonnets of love in that 'To' style.

    The rest is so beautiful and honest as it swarms in humbling desire tipped off with a life long mission of the special song bird who is indeed life' s partner for the long haul which has a winding road is what I think of it.

    Comely poem.Just needs some corrections that can easily be done.
    Would also make a perfect wedding poem come to think of it.

    | Posted on 2011-03-31 00:00:00 | by Rex Gold | [ Reply to This ]
      A very nicely composed 4 ft per line rhymed love-lorn poem, Swimming Bird, except blips in L13 & L20.
    L13 suggest:- I want you all, both bad and good
    (for rhythm)

    L20 " :- Reality is cruel, 'twould seem
    (to improve rhyme)
    I have given you vote 4. pretty cool. Ted.
    | Posted on 2009-04-15 00:00:00 | by edcherry | [ Reply to This ]
      Its beautiful, I love it. It encompasses all there is to love about a person, its beautiful. Thats all I can say really...<3
    | Posted on 2009-04-15 00:00:00 | by blankscreen | [ Reply to This ]

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