Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: The Heart of Longingdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Swimming Bird
    ASL Info:    31/m/AR
    Elite Ratio:    5.36 - 92/90/27
    Words: 152
    Class/Type: Poetry/Longing
    Total Views: 1028
    Average Vote:    4.0000
    Bytes: 925



    Description:
       I know it needs a little cleaning up. Any suggestions?


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsThe Heart of Longingdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Betwixt the dusk 'til well past noon,
    Beneath the stars or sun or moon,
    In all the things I say and do
    My thoughts, they oft return to you.
    To see your eyes, to feel your touch,
    My body yearns and craves for such.
    To hear your laugh, to taste your lips,
    To trace you with my fingertips.
    To hold your hand and watch you stare,
    To share with you the night's cool air.
    There are no words which can express
    Such simple, utter, happiness.
    I want all of you, bad and good.
    From daughter, wife, to motherhood.
    To share your breath, to be a part
    Of comforting your bleeding heart.
    To hold you when you start to cry,
    To be the wings with which you fly.
    To be with you would be a dream,
    Reality is cruel it seems.
    But hope endures that one day we,
    Shall make this dream reality.




    Submitted on 2009-04-15 09:40:37     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      The first line should or could possibly use a simple word change for betwixt, like 'among' or 'halfway' just to throw those out.

    The second line is clearly what was in it's rough draft.

    Under star or sun or moon,

    Try: Below stars about sun and moon
    or Beneath stars close to sun and moon phase.
    That line could be tightened.

    Oft, it wouldn't hurt to make that 'often'
    and what comes after that is pretty much okay:

    To see your eyes, to feel your touch,
    My body yearns and craves for such.
    To hear your laugh, to taste your lips,
    To trace you with my fingertips.
    To hold your hand and watch you stare,
    To share with you the night's cool air.
    There are no words which can express

    I liked that, it has slickness even though 'To' is appearing too much but it's not even a big deal if you think of Old English and old fashioned written sonnets of love in that 'To' style.

    The rest is so beautiful and honest as it swarms in humbling desire tipped off with a life long mission of the special song bird who is indeed life' s partner for the long haul which has a winding road is what I think of it.

    Comely poem.Just needs some corrections that can easily be done.
    Would also make a perfect wedding poem come to think of it.

    Rexsan
    | Posted on 2011-03-31 00:00:00 | by Rex Gold | [ Reply to This ]
      A very nicely composed 4 ft per line rhymed love-lorn poem, Swimming Bird, except blips in L13 & L20.
    L13 suggest:- I want you all, both bad and good
    (for rhythm)

    L20 " :- Reality is cruel, 'twould seem
    (to improve rhyme)
    I have given you vote 4. pretty cool. Ted.
    | Posted on 2009-04-15 00:00:00 | by edcherry | [ Reply to This ]
      Its beautiful, I love it. It encompasses all there is to love about a person, its beautiful. Thats all I can say really...<3
    Love
    Flora
    | Posted on 2009-04-15 00:00:00 | by blankscreen | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    173316

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    just lonesome. written by MyPeriodical
    What its like written by robbie
    Escape written by Pyrosis
    The Veil written by Swimming Bird
    Abyss (credit to Carina) written by Debauchery
    undaunted written by teika5
    Remnants written by Soul-Hugger
    BackLash written by MyPeriodical
    Expectations written by taintedsmiles
    bleeding part one written by MyPeriodical
    A Dream Within a Dream (My favorite EAP poem) written by Debauchery
    Bust written by Daniel Barlow
    Cansansio written by MyPeriodical
    a war on her beautiful house (bre'anna's written by Daniel Barlow
    Humanity's Loss, Humanity's Gain | prt t written by MyPeriodical
    I Just Want to Have Fun written by SavedDragon
    Ahogo written by MyPeriodical
    written by Daniel Barlow
    In case you didn't know written by BestxDeceptions
    i would... written by Awkward
    911 written by Soul-Hugger
    Layin Tracks in Here written by teika5
    One OF Millions written by TeslaKoyal
    Next to you written by robbie
    Understanding the pain of growth written by MyPeriodical
    The Depths written by obsidiandreams
    El Llanto Los Libra written by MyPeriodical
    Buddy written by TeslaKoyal
    Somewhere It's Always Morning written by Soul-Hugger
    untitled written by Outlaw

    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry