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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Fractions of a would be lifedots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: ladydeathstrike
    ASL Info:    27/F/Chicago
    Elite Ratio:    5.27 - 259/284/94
    Words: 211
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 688
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1322



    Description:
       It started off with a thought of something tangible.... an object that stimulated the emotions or the lack of emotions that I am afraid to look at wholly... I guess Im not ready for the confrontation... but my courage grows brews...


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsFractions of a would be lifedots
    -------------------------------------------


    It doesn't smell like anything...
    As if he wasn't there to begin with
    And it saddens the very existence of me

    To see through my own eyes
    A thought that could not exist
    Of others, with others
    In others

    Is it reality if it only existed in me?
    Is it blindness, if I refuse to see?

    He fades away...
    Withering slowly
    Without a chance to explain,

    Why, Why, Why

    He vanishes quickly
    Unable to fathom the very existence of me...
    Of him in me...
    Reflected...
    Shattered...
    Splintered...

    Until only a small speck of
    What would have been him falls,
    And twinkles on my shoulder...

    A wicked smile... tenderly
    Pressed on that shoulder...
    And I walk away...

    From reality... to something tangible...
    Simple in shape and too bright to stare into
    That it seems intangible to ever hold.


    The weight of that tiny bit of bright void
    Deforming the shape,
    The perfectly symmetrical stride...

    And all everyone sees is a crocked woman
    Lost among herself

    If only they knew....




    Submitted on 2009-04-21 01:20:10     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      I was drawn to this piece because its title reminded me so much of a poem i wrote a while back titled " A fragment of my broken heart by way of broken poems"

    It falls along the same idea, where in trying to write, you only find small bits at a time and weave them together.

    This was a good start, but Im not sure this piece reached its full potential, as i can see more in you, underneath all this. You just need to open up and let it out - which i know is easier said then done.

    Good luck in the future

    Channie
    | Posted on 2010-07-15 00:00:00 | by dthforeverpain8 | [ Reply to This ]
      Time will tell when you are ready for the confrontation. Sometimes, it doesn't matter how hard you try to look at things wholly, you just won't be able to see it until you're ready.

    I like your beginning. It states that fear or the sadness of never living what was lived or that what was lived, did not stay long enough.

    "To think that something seen through my very own eyes"

    I just think this line is too long. I'm out of breath when i read that line and it's not even the ending of the stanza. but the very following lines of others, with others, in others gives different ideas with the same word. Awesome.

    The rest of the poem is just sad. It feels like your heart is literally ripping as your writing this down and as though tears are coming down your cheeks. It's touching because the emotions are raw and it's there and it shows that you keep asking yourself the same question: why why why.

    I think the ending is powerful and it's worth remembering. it's something that won't fade away into the light and it something that stays with the reader. The thought of the crocked woman that is lost inside herself. If only they knew what was going on, they would see a totally different image.

    I don't know. This piece really spoke to me with the raw emotions. It almost seems as though i'm the person living through these words. you've transcended your thoughts into my mind.

    Thanks for sharing.

    Have a wonderful day.

    Irina
    | Posted on 2009-04-22 00:00:00 | by charmedidentity | [ Reply to This ]
      yes, he picked out some of my favorite lines-- actually i was lucky to read them because two thirds through I thought you should end the poem there and call it done.

    I think there's room to trim this down and perhaps smooth down the words a little as far as choice etc.

    if you're interested let me know, if not...thanks for the show.

    quite sad in parts.
    | Posted on 2009-04-21 00:00:00 | by bywayof | [ Reply to This ]
      "The weight of that tiny bit of bright void
    Deforming the shape,
    The perfectly symmetrical stride...

    And all everyone sees is a crocked woman
    Lost among herself

    If only they knew...."

    It's always great when you end a poem on a strong point, because that's all most people remember unless they reread it. I know that's usually my case anyway xD Powerful last few lines, especially the bit about "deforming that shape"... well, I must admit it makes me wonder about the object... Makes no "buts" about your feelings of loss, but is rather vague on exactly why. Perhaps you wanted it that way.

    Slainte,

    DW
    | Posted on 2009-04-21 00:00:00 | by Shadowstar13 | [ Reply to This ]


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