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    dots Submission Name: Your Hiding Heartdots

    Author: freshcookies
    Elite Ratio:    4.15 - 63/77/45
    Words: 163
    Class/Type: Poetry/
    Total Views: 692
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1056


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsYour Hiding Heartdots

    You held me once
    For a moment
    in your strong words,
    And I felt your honesty
    cradling me,
    But you rebuilt your facade,
    the wall behind which you hide your truth,
    so quickly that I almost can't remember
    what you told me.

    I've searched since then
    so desperately
    for those strong words,
    But I've spoken only to your mask.
    It replies so colorfully
    that it takes me a while to realize
    It was just a distraction
    like octopus ink
    so you could get away.

    Now I wonder if it's not your words I need
    but you I need to free.
    Of the many who seek your eyes
    are there any who look into them?
    I will.
    Of the many who demand your time
    is there one who gives you a moment?
    I will.
    And anything your hiding heart longs
    to pour out,
    I will hear.
    I ask no more of you than you see
    that my friendship
    is real.

    Submitted on 2009-04-22 17:52:40     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      I like the repitition at the end. It adds a beat to the piece, makes it flow really well. It also emphasises the magnitude of your emotions and affections, as if, no matter what you say, you can't say it enough.

    It's beautiful, and honest. I couldn't help but read it again and again (six times, to be exact). It's written so well that you can keep coming back to it and never get tired of its words, its warmth.

    Good job, I love it :)

    Oh, and in my opinion I think you should leave the 'octupus ink'. It adds an interesting texture.

    With lingering love,

    | Posted on 2009-04-24 00:00:00 | by Iffy | [ Reply to This ]
      "like octopus ink" -- looks odd actually. Can be changed to something that can convey the same thought of camouflage.
    Just another poem actually but the meaning is conveyed and that is quite satisfying as there is no forced rhyme as i thought would be.....

    ok work looking forward for the powerful version of your poems.
    | Posted on 2009-04-23 00:00:00 | by keestu | [ Reply to This ]
      "Now I wonder if it's not your words I need
    but you I need to free."

    How about: Now I wonder if its not your words,
    but you I need to free.

    The repitition of I need is kind of un-necessary,it would still say ythe same thing,but make the line more subtle.

    I know its a nit-pick but I really hope you change it,its sticking out likt a sore thumb in a piece thats otherwise well-written.

    I was reading this and I thought you were going to lose it,but a steller sense of reserve and an excellent image or two kept me interested.

    Octopus ink,well put.

    Its not a maserpiece but I duuno,it really appealed to me,and I cant suggest anything to make it better beyond what I first said.

    So I suppose thats mission accomplished for you and a good read for me.


    | Posted on 2009-04-22 00:00:00 | by Raphael | [ Reply to This ]

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