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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Burdeneddots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Doublefeather
    Elite Ratio:    3.5 - 71/61/33
    Words: 247
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 726
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1517



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsBurdeneddots
    -------------------------------------------


    I walk,
    As burdened as I may be,
    Walking alone is not a luxury,
    They help add to the weight, those that stalk,

    Only one day,
    To survive,
    To be able to hold my head high,
    And to know it was all I gave,
    And the world had yet to take it from me,

    That I am a survivor,
    I have been tested and tried,
    I have walked and not died,
    I would be a winner,

    But why do I feel like the loser?
    I have only added burdens to myself,
    And have done nothing to relieve myself of them, or to get help,
    Because in my pride, I wanted to press foward,

    Burdened, broken, alone,
    Forsaking all,
    Even God, and His wonderous call,
    Now the temporary is gone,

    The pleasure I once had has left,
    And now I am burdened,
    Seeking just to survive,
    And stand against my daily life,
    Until the day I lay dead,
    My road is hard,

    But my friends are true,
    And one day I'll thank all of you,
    But maybe this will allow you to see what's in my heart,
    I don't walk your roads,
    And if I try I'll fail,
    They're not mine to walk, I can tell,

    But I'll help you walk yours,
    And please help me walk mine,
    Or I'll lose you in my depressions,
    In old age I'd have far too many confessions,
    And in lonelines I would die.




    Submitted on 2009-04-28 19:51:49     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      This is good and has potential. I think it could be compressed into to a smaller poem with more substance; shortened with a more concrete structure.

    "Burdened, broken, alone,
    Forsaking all,
    Even God, and His wonderous call,
    Now the temporary is gone,"

    Lines like this are honest and personally I think pure honesty bring out the best in a writer. I can see a distinct style in this stanza and it stuck out to me. The meaning of the poem is straight forward and I don't want to pry into some ones feelings so thats why I'm just commenting on your language. I think this could use a bit of cleaning up or a bit more thought and it would be great. Expand on lines like "now the temporary is gone" and use that sort of elusive language. Anyway don't take anything I said to heart, I'm not trying to act like a pompus arsehole who knows everything. Just trying to help, one writer to another!

    Phil
    | Posted on 2009-04-29 00:00:00 | by Dead Bell | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

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    12. Does it feel original?



    173792

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


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