Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Structured Settlementdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: AeThe Lost Poet
    ASL Info:    19/M/DE
    Elite Ratio:    3.6 - 147/184/122
    Words: 144
    Class/Type: Misc/Misc
    Total Views: 811
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1079



    Description:
       this is about the girl who first broke my apathy, and you know what? i miss her


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsStructured Settlementdots
    -------------------------------------------


    my heart ruptures
    pleading for a structured
    settlement plus her
    words and agreed terms
    she'd rather heal
    than to leaved burned
    i'd rather not feel
    then to feel worse
    or bitter
    but when with her
    it's crazy she litters
    herself into you
    and all of a sudden
    it's like BAMM!
    now she's into you
    now you're into her
    now you're into verbs
    now you're mixing conviction
    with sins into words
    fixing yourself up
    but heart bringing you down to earth
    the vixen is right
    but it still don't sound it's worth
    because falling is fun
    but the stop is bound to hurt
    but i've been thinking
    profound is her...
    the sound of her name
    makes me me speechless
    intense- strong enough
    to make me leak this
    paper/pad/pencil
    combination so right
    she's got my head spinning
    and it's feeling so light......




    Submitted on 2009-04-29 14:26:08     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      This is a great. I read it aloud and obviously since it's not mine, I stutter alot, but I like the rhymes.

    because falling is fun
    but the stop is bound to hurt

    Very cleverly put.
    I love the slants, man.. Perfect rhymes get boring quick. Predictable.
    | Posted on 2009-05-18 00:00:00 | by MyWorld | [ Reply to This ]
      Becareful of the poets plight,
    As you blaze your third eye 'pon her
    And though it may shine so clear and bright
    Beware! She could steal some of its light

    In your description you say "she broke (your) apathy" and judging by the tone of that I'd say be careful around its "shattered pieces". The formulative stages of any new relationship are tricky, devote too much of feeling towards someone and you could soon find your ability to express and even feel such feelings robbed from you should she fuc.k you over, for want of a better phrase. But on a less pessimistic side ha it was thoughtful and brimming with good word play. My favourite part was

    "i'd rather not feel then to feel worse
    or bitter
    but when with her
    it's crazy she litters
    herself into you"

    That was excellent. There is a couple of things I'd change but only in a tedious way and most likely not enough for your benifit to mention.

    Good luck with it
    | Posted on 2009-04-29 00:00:00 | by Sethesin | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    173824

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    Pain, an elixir. written by Ramneet
    The Song on Your Guitar written by SavedDragon
    untitled written by poetotoe
    Pressure written by hybridsongwrite
    Push written by JanePlane
    The Promise written by annie0888
    Hollow Points written by RequiemOfDreams
    Summer written by layDsayD
    Sunset written by rev.jpfadeproof
    written by Daniel Barlow
    To written by SavedDragon
    Trails written by Daniel Barlow
    Devils in the Details written by endlessgame23
    Primitive Lapse written by Crestfallenman
    Deaf Dumb and Blind is no excuse written by poetotoe
    Incubus written by monad
    Bond written by saartha
    Brigit written by endlessgame23
    A Sonnet for Nina written by SavedDragon
    new moon written by CrypticBard
    untitled written by Chelebel
    4th of July written by layDsayD
    Be Free written by hybridsongwrite
    Sleep Talk written by Queen_of_spades
    cleverly shunned written by CrypticBard
    Wish written by Daniel Barlow
    Linger written by saartha
    written by Daniel Barlow
    Or are we written in the sand? written by Chelebel
    Whiteout written by layDsayD

    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry