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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Flesh & Blooddots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: babytinkerbelle
    ASL Info:    26/f/aus
    Elite Ratio:    5.25 - 310/209/42
    Words: 131
    Class/Type: Rant/Serious
    Total Views: 778
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 783



    Description:
       So I took a re-look at the origional Flesh and Blood, for the life of me I can't remember what I was writing about, there was one instance that came to mind, but it twoyears after I wrote the origional piece.

    So I wrote a bit more, things that I have bottled up inside of me for such a long time, not even my partner knows how much this really hurt.

    Anyway, tell me what you guys think please


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsFlesh & Blooddots
    -------------------------------------------


    How can you call yourself
    My flesh and blood
    When you have no respect for me
    You call me names
    And hurt me deep
    Those wounds will never heal
    Youíre my baby brother
    I would stand beside you till the end
    But until you learn to show respect
    The ties are severely damaged

    I admit, I shouldnít retaliate
    I say things that I donít mean
    Itís too late to take them back
    Accusing me, of things Iím not
    A slut, a whore, a liar and a cheat
    We are adults now, why canít we get along?
    The night you chose, it wasnít just me!
    I hated you that night
    But I canít seem to comprehend
    Why I feel that way,
    When I would gladly give you anything.




    Submitted on 2009-04-29 22:35:53     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      When I first read this, I thought, "No comment." but then I realized that just doing small things, like commenting, can change the way a person writes. Plus, not many people that I know of ever take enough time to comment the right way, not just, "Oh, I've written stuff like this." but real detail, and I don't want to be one of them. So here is what else I thought when I read your poem:

    The first part I understood, it started clear; your brother doesn't respect you, but you'd still help him if he needed it.

    The second part started to confuse me though. It wasn't like an Oh well...I don't get this, but more like you're trailing off because when you say:

    We are adults now, why canít we get along?
    The night you chose, it wasnít just me!
    I hated you that night

    I'm not fully understanding what your trying to tell the audience. I'm understanding the fact he made a decision and ggave you the shot end of the stick, if any. I'm just wondering, what kind of decision were you getting at there?

    Anyway, I liked it but you might want to re-read your own work and then reply to my comment, or maybe even fix it.

    ~~~Zanna~~~
    | Posted on 2009-04-30 00:00:00 | by stormybluerose | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    173846

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


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