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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: West Bounddots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Mithrandir
    ASL Info:    28/m/N.Y.
    Elite Ratio:    4.62 - 452/681/113
    Words: 159
    Class/Type: Poetry/Serious
    Total Views: 801
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1098



    Description:
       this poem I feel is one of the most powerful pieces I think I have written. I have actally already revamped it 2 times and would love any and all feedback on it


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsWest Bounddots
    -------------------------------------------


    Suns drifting
    Off into the west
    Not a cloud
    In the sky

    A vast blue blanket
    Laced with diamonds
    And one pearl-
    It doesn’t
    Warm this heart

    But the engines running
    250 horses
    Pulling this metal cage
    Cd’s blasting
    Cigarettes burning
    And a full tank of gas

    Street lights spanning
    Off into the horizon
    Following the sun
    Through these
    Evergreen skyscrapers
    And worn concrete paths

    I’ll tear down
    The rearview mirror
    Cause I don’t want
    To ever look back again

    There’s no one to
    Watch as I drive off
    On this venture of mine
    Off to buy
    A new blanket
    a new bed of earth

    So I’ll say goodbye
    To a life that
    Doesn’t feel like home
    A home that
    Never really fit

    The sun has faded
    Off into the west
    I’m still driving
    It will be back tomorrow
    I’ll still be driving




    Submitted on 2004-07-15 14:44:37     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      wow. i can understand why you think it is one of the most powerful pieces you've ever written. i like it (and even the typos don't bother me... well, don't bother me too much anyway!)
    | Posted on 2004-07-20 00:00:00 | by Judy | [ Reply to This ]
      road trip! i like this very much. i can relate to the need to get the he.ll out of town and see something new, find a new place to hang my hat. this made me want to get in the car and drive! roll down all the windows, crank up the radio and head on out! yeah! great write! welcome to elite!
    | Posted on 2004-07-15 00:00:00 | by magnicat | [ Reply to This ]
      This was very good, I could feel the emotion and it all flowed along very nicely. I loved the fourth and pentultimate chapter especially, they're great.
    The only problem I had was a gramatical one, where you said I’ll tare down it should be tear down but yeah, that could've just been a typo.
    Very cool .
    | Posted on 2004-07-15 00:00:00 | by Spirited | [ Reply to This ]
      I really like this piece. I read your description, and I don't want to be annoying, but I do have some suggestions. Firstly, this piece doesn't *need* any changes, but I do think some would be cool. "Not a cloud in the sky" sounds kinda blah. 1st stanza How about -of a cloudless sky. The 2nd stanza is excellent. 3rd stanza how about-
    "250 horses"
    fully fueled
    pulling this carriage-
    just to play with the idea of horses, and you could drop "full tank of gas. I think you could rephrase the 5th stanza. I think you should allow the symbol of tearing down the rearview mirror, speak for itself.
    6th stanza, I think you could change the last line to-
    and a new bed. Let the reader connect the dots.
    I think you could make the last stanza more condensed and/or stronger. If you're still reading
    Very Nice Work!
    | Posted on 2004-07-15 00:00:00 | by nicelyJ | [ Reply to This ]
      hey Gandalf...oops, i mean Mithrandir...tee hee. <big Tolkien fan>. anyhow...this is rad, in itself, and i think it would make awesome lyrics if thats somethin you're in to. the images are really somethin, but i had one question about the 2nd stanza:1st you had said the sun was drifting, and then the next verses mentioned a vast blue blanket, laced with diamonds and one pearl...the diamonds i would think are stars and the pearl, the moon. but i wanted to know if it was night or day when you started out on this sojourn...thats all. curiosity, not criticism, doll. hope to read more from you soon, stay in touch! love and daisies to you~ april
    | Posted on 2004-07-15 00:00:00 | by leper messiah | [ Reply to This ]
      i like it. you really painted a pretty good pic of where you were and what every thing looked like. and then you switched from the sites to your felling. making every thing flow easylie. good writing.
    | Posted on 2004-07-15 00:00:00 | by wretched_muse | [ Reply to This ]
      I liked this a lot. The overall imagery is great; no on image stands out, but that is good in this case. It's like a Tom Waits song in that all of the lines are so good that none really jumps out at you.
    | Posted on 2004-07-15 00:00:00 | by cuddledumplin | [ Reply to This ]
      The poem for me tells the story of a person fed up with his old life and going away in search of a new one. In his old life he has a precious blue blanket laced with diamond and a pearl. Obviously the person is bored with the blanket which is a metaphor for something valuable in his/her life. Please do let me in on what the blanket in his life is? Great poetry! Baafuo
    | Posted on 2004-07-16 00:00:00 | by Nightrider | [ Reply to This ]
      excellent piece. i like the emotion in this, wanting to escape but also with some regret. suggestions for changes, mostly just deleting exces words that detract from the emotion. feel free to use 'em or lose 'em.

    Sun’s drifting – SHOULD BE SPELLED ‘SUN’S’
    Off into west – DELETE ‘THE’
    Not a cloud – MAYBE ‘NO CLOUDS’ INSTEAD
    In the sky

    A vast blue blanket – YOU CAN DELETE ‘A’
    Laced with diamonds
    And one pearl-
    It doesn’t
    Warm this heart

    But the engines running – SHOULD BE SPELLED AS ‘ENGINE’S’
    250 horses
    Pulling this metal cage
    Cd’s blasting
    Cigarettes burning
    full tank of gas – DELETE ‘AND A’

    Street lights span – CHANGE ‘SPANNING’ TO ‘SPAN’
    Off into horizon – DELETE ‘THE’
    Following the sun
    Through these – MAYBE:
    EVERGEEN SKYSCRAPERS
    THROUGH THESE WORN CONCRETE PATHS
    Evergreen skyscrapers
    And worn concrete paths

    I’ll tear down
    The rearview mirror
    Cause I don’t want
    To ever look back– DELETE ‘AGAIN’

    There’s no one to
    Watch as I drive off
    On this venture – DELETE ‘OF MINE’
    Off to buy
    A new blanket
    a new bed of earth

    So I’ll say goodbye
    To a life that
    Doesn’t feel like home
    A home that
    Never really fit

    Sun fades – CHANGE ‘HAS FADED’ TO ‘FADES’, DELETE ‘THE’
    Off into west – DELETE ‘THE’
    Still driving – DELETE ‘I’M’
    It will be back tomorrow
    I’ll still be driving
    | Posted on 2004-07-16 00:00:00 | by joeyalphabet | [ Reply to This ]
      You know I always loved this one. Especially that 3rd stanza. The way the poem jumps into it there makes you almost feel that engine start, jumping into action.
    | Posted on 2004-07-19 00:00:00 | by Ontlogicalamity | [ Reply to This ]


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