road trip! i like this very much. i can relate to the need to get the he.ll out of town and see something new, find a new place to hang my hat. this made me want to get in the car and drive! roll down all the windows, crank up the radio and head on out! yeah! great write! welcome to elite!
This was very good, I could feel the emotion and it all flowed along very nicely. I loved the fourth and pentultimate chapter especially, they're great. The only problem I had was a gramatical one, where you said I’ll tare down it should be tear down but yeah, that could've just been a typo. Very cool .
I really like this piece. I read your description, and I don't want to be annoying, but I do have some suggestions. Firstly, this piece doesn't *need* any changes, but I do think some would be cool. "Not a cloud in the sky" sounds kinda blah. 1st stanza How about -of a cloudless sky. The 2nd stanza is excellent. 3rd stanza how about- "250 horses" fully fueled pulling this carriage- just to play with the idea of horses, and you could drop "full tank of gas. I think you could rephrase the 5th stanza. I think you should allow the symbol of tearing down the rearview mirror, speak for itself. 6th stanza, I think you could change the last line to- and a new bed. Let the reader connect the dots. I think you could make the last stanza more condensed and/or stronger. If you're still reading Very Nice Work!
hey Gandalf...oops, i mean Mithrandir...tee hee. <big Tolkien fan>. anyhow...this is rad, in itself, and i think it would make awesome lyrics if thats somethin you're in to. the images are really somethin, but i had one question about the 2nd stanza:1st you had said the sun was drifting, and then the next verses mentioned a vast blue blanket, laced with diamonds and one pearl...the diamonds i would think are stars and the pearl, the moon. but i wanted to know if it was night or day when you started out on this sojourn...thats all. curiosity, not criticism, doll. hope to read more from you soon, stay in touch! love and daisies to you~ april
I liked this a lot. The overall imagery is great; no on image stands out, but that is good in this case. It's like a Tom Waits song in that all of the lines are so good that none really jumps out at you.
The poem for me tells the story of a person fed up with his old life and going away in search of a new one. In his old life he has a precious blue blanket laced with diamond and a pearl. Obviously the person is bored with the blanket which is a metaphor for something valuable in his/her life. Please do let me in on what the blanket in his life is? Great poetry! Baafuo
excellent piece. i like the emotion in this, wanting to escape but also with some regret. suggestions for changes, mostly just deleting exces words that detract from the emotion. feel free to use 'em or lose 'em.
Sun’s drifting – SHOULD BE SPELLED ‘SUN’S’ Off into west – DELETE ‘THE’ Not a cloud – MAYBE ‘NO CLOUDS’ INSTEAD In the sky
A vast blue blanket – YOU CAN DELETE ‘A’ Laced with diamonds And one pearl- It doesn’t Warm this heart
But the engines running – SHOULD BE SPELLED AS ‘ENGINE’S’ 250 horses Pulling this metal cage Cd’s blasting Cigarettes burning full tank of gas – DELETE ‘AND A’
Street lights span – CHANGE ‘SPANNING’ TO ‘SPAN’ Off into horizon – DELETE ‘THE’ Following the sun Through these – MAYBE: EVERGEEN SKYSCRAPERS THROUGH THESE WORN CONCRETE PATHS Evergreen skyscrapers And worn concrete paths
I’ll tear down The rearview mirror Cause I don’t want To ever look back– DELETE ‘AGAIN’
There’s no one to Watch as I drive off On this venture – DELETE ‘OF MINE’ Off to buy A new blanket a new bed of earth
So I’ll say goodbye To a life that Doesn’t feel like home A home that Never really fit
Sun fades – CHANGE ‘HAS FADED’ TO ‘FADES’, DELETE ‘THE’ Off into west – DELETE ‘THE’ Still driving – DELETE ‘I’M’ It will be back tomorrow I’ll still be driving