Loveless by Raphael

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Submission Name: Loveless dots

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Author:	Raphael
ASL Info:	20/Masculine/Eire
Elite Ratio:	8 - 652/306/135
Words:	210

Class/Type:	Poetry/Serious
Total Views:	279
Average Vote:	2.8889
Bytes:	1257

Description:

Loveless dots

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I have climbed the high steps to the end of my estate. On the edge of this new frontier there are two things obvious to me:

One is a long road stretching all the way to Blessington.

The other is an old abandoned cottage.

Its botched roof is covered in blue plastic, sadly drooped over the gaping holes, like a worn and tattered flag.

I can just about see some battered roots out the back, a grave-yard for antlers, at loggerheads.

and so there you are my love, full of expectation, still scowling as the heavy trucks push past:

What does she want?
Is it the kitchen sink?
A wedding dress?
Am I really the one who can mend her roof?

Yes...

and you would drag me to the other side of this road as proof, you who would keep me there in an ivory palace,
my own hapless scapegoat.

But I think you should confess.
You could tell me that you are the end all be all if nothing else.

Just tell me that one truth.

So I may then hurl my body towards the mercy of all this raging traffic.

Submitted on 2009-05-06 11:24:27 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  Wow, very strange comments. (did you piss someone off?!) Kind of scares me to comment myself ... will mine be one of the weird ones? :) Kidding ...

Okay, it's sort of ironic that I came across this piece today out of all days. I started a book Charles Bukowski's poetry today; this structure is very similar to what I've read so far in his collections. (He speaks of some vile things though so ... I'm just thinking structure here). I loved how it reads as a story more than the typically structured poem.

I'm not 100% what this poem meant though ... looks like I got lost in translation somewhere; I like the half colored portrait that it left in my mind however. The end of it was what interested me the most. Where you talk of telling the truth so you can throw yourself towards traffic. I've thought that a time or two.

I say good job. Lovely structure ... and the ending was relatable and finished the piece nicely.

Thanks for the read,
Still
| Posted on 2009-09-30 00:00:00 | by StillimCold | [ Reply to This ]
  Well to be honest with you Diane, I was surprised. The comments you got for this should be featured on Lords of Pretension: Battle of Asgard IV (Its only €15.99 on Amazon!). Stop talking to proles, lets just post here to have an aul gander at our own work you know, don't invite the filth.
| Posted on 2009-09-22 00:00:00 | by Sethesin | [ Reply to This ]
  This poem just doesn't appeal to me...Strange...

-Mojy-
| Posted on 2009-07-07 00:00:00 | by mojymo | [ Reply to This ]
  i like this it is very well wrote great job
keep up the good work
can u plz comment my poems thanks
| Posted on 2009-06-16 00:00:00 | by sparkleshine | [ Reply to This ]
  Jesus Christ, this got a lot of comments!

I can see why, as it is an interesting piece. I really liked the opening lines. Felt they created a nice picture and grabbed my attention, urging me to read on.

I liked the imagery here, and although there were certain parts I wasn't so keen on, I do feel over all this was good and I don't want to be pedantic.

It's certainly worth more than a 3 out of 5.

Cheers.
| Posted on 2009-06-13 00:00:00 | by alexboy | [ Reply to This ]
  wow i honestly expected much better then this. i suppose i had higher expectations from your comment on mine. i hope the next one i read is better. your senence structure was far better then mine and the grammer was better. but to me it just seemed dull. kinda boreing almost. but aside from the fact that your poem couldnt really capture my attention it had great structure. i guess i don't like your poetry either. i suppose thats why u didnt like mine. lol oh well. but good luck on urs!!!
| Posted on 2009-06-12 00:00:00 | by Kiwithegreat | [ Reply to This ]

Ah. See, this is kind of what I'm talking about when I say 'no-man's land.' It's a bit of the two mixed together, both by structure and language use. Stylistically, I really like what you've done with this. And the content: Sort of a man at the crossroads, though the crossroads seem to be two versions of the same. I mean, what I've gathered is that on one hand there's the ramshackle cottage, and on the other is a pristine palace. At least with the cottage, you can pretty much tell what you're getting into and hell, there's only room for improvement. With the palace...well, lots of upkeep, must be pretty. And the ultimate question: 'what the [censored] does this all really mean? Damn if you aren't as desolate as the landscape by the time the write's finished.

That's my interpretation.

I do wonder if this phrase here could be turned slightly different. It seems off to me:

Its botched roof is covered in blue plastic, sadly drooped over the gaping holes, like a worn and tattered flag.

Maybe:

Its botched roof is covered in blue plastic, like a worn and tattered flag sadly drooped over gaping holes.

I really like how you listed this bit, I think it drives the piece home:

What does she want?
Is it the kitchen sink?
A wedding dress?
Am I really the one who can mend her roof?

And then here:

You could tell me that you are the end all be all if nothing else.

The quality of the sentence is great, so the suggestion I have is very small, but: ...you are the end all-be-all if nothing else.

I read 'all be all' as a phrase, so this sort of keeps it connected.

nit-picking, I know. Great write.

-Emeya
| Posted on 2009-06-10 00:00:00 | by Lady of Shalott | [ Reply to This ]
  if you took away the "wedding dress" i would have thought you loved that cottage to death!
most of the piece was about the cottage and suddenly there was a "wedding dress" thrown in there... i think i am tired and babbling >.< forgive me
| Posted on 2009-05-30 00:00:00 | by rubymoon | [ Reply to This ]
  more of a story then a poem isn't it??? lol, nicely written.
| Posted on 2009-05-28 00:00:00 | by igibson | [ Reply to This ]
  do hyproglo and assfinger dot their i's the same?
| Posted on 2009-05-24 00:00:00 | by BrokeArtGallery | [ Reply to This ]


[censored].
| Posted on 2009-05-24 00:00:00 | by SmellMyFinger | [ Reply to This ]
  I can just about see...well...when, they say, "If you dont have anything good to say, then dont say anything at all."

I was going to say that you used your question marks quite well, but then I remembered...people who constantly question really dont have a clue...which led me to realize that if I questioned your use of punctuation that would only make you self doubt your self existence even more so I refrained from reminding you about how you have yet to blossom into a full fledged human being, so all I can say is..."I just about saw" once too.

You'll get there one day superstar...don't lose faith.

| Posted on 2009-05-18 00:00:00 | by hyproglo | [ Reply to This ]
  I like the simplicity of it. It makes me think about the things people take for granted. Of course, that's not entirely related to this but still...

In relation to that, I also liked how your chosen words greatly delivered what I can only describe as exhaustion. It makes the piece seem effortlessly beautiful.

I also like the way you used "may" in the second to the last line. It gives a good generalization of the kind of power the other persona has.

But enough about me...

| Posted on 2009-05-15 00:00:00 | by ANGELO | [ Reply to This ]
  only spud guns push '1.0000'
| Posted on 2009-05-12 00:00:00 | by Daniel Barlow | [ Reply to This ]
  I liked this poem, I liked the words you used and the context that you used them in i thinkyou did a really good job. I think the only problem is that im crap at reading between the lines with poems so i'll have to continue to read it like a thousand times over before i completely get it. But i like the way its set out and there is feeling behind it. A beautiful piece of work :)
| Posted on 2009-05-12 00:00:00 | by phsycoticangel | [ Reply to This ]
  Don't worry Craig, now that you've alienated yourself, and every 12 yrold gansta aged 12 and up is gunning for ya with a glock.

so what?

We still think you're alright.

| Posted on 2009-05-07 00:00:00 | by Daniel Barlow | [ Reply to This ]
  'a grave-yard for antlers, at loggerheads.'

this poem is full of this, these types of observations.

I know you don't mind us making tits of ourselves, just wanted to come back and say you do things well.

Keep writing, keep your eyes on the prize, get to where you have a herd and then struggle to cull it down to a top whatever,

go back and revise when you feel like it...

create ten more herds, fifty, a quibillion.

you'll take care of the finer details along the way but when you're ready to whittle it down, you'll have it already and all in front of you.

I always look forward to reading your stuff.

keep the soapbox ha
| Posted on 2009-05-06 00:00:00 | by Daniel Barlow | [ Reply to This ]
  righteous!

you guys all in one place, a gaggle of greatness, not you though Barlow-- you're too skinny and have no man titties to speak of.

anyway, back to....

great big.... 00................................ jiggily jigglies........
ha,

that's old though. old as old ass titties, prunes, dried afterbirth even the sheepdog wouldn't sniff,

vacuum packed twigs.... puff balls in summer you clang together for fungal dust.

balloon animals and blue back crusty skin.

but give her the wink lad,

you know you're in.

| Posted on 2009-05-06 00:00:00 | by MoriaGroup | [ Reply to This ]
  skcuf sdrawkcab

seittit evol i

em icnivad eol ekil ddo

!ylliggij --eno siht tearg
| Posted on 2009-05-06 00:00:00 | by Leinad Wolrab | [ Reply to This ]
  TooT TooT

Hey, I lived in Christchurch once, knew this guy called Barlow, swimming it titties he was-- at an Irish bar, till they kicked him out for lopping off heads with the double headed vulture axe. Still, go ES. glad to see the commentary getting the commentary it so richly deserves.

Emily has pert titties and is quite the slut behind closed doors. couples up with anyone.

Just felt like sharing.

k bye.
| Posted on 2009-05-06 00:00:00 | by thomasthetanked | [ Reply to This ]
  What foolish entitties you two are.

HuyBenAmon swims in titties.

You three, are tits, dry as a witches tit.

It shall be thusly recorded in the annals of time.
| Posted on 2009-05-06 00:00:00 | by HuyBenAmon | [ Reply to This ]
  Gosh, guy I really loved that critique. Think I'll fave it. You rock Barlow! An entitty, sure. But you rock!

[titty, giggles]

Gonna fave this just so I can keep a copy of your critique!!!
| Posted on 2009-05-06 00:00:00 | by bywayof | [ Reply to This ]
  Craig, mate--

I know you don't care for my virtual assessment.
And my praise of this would only send you further toward the traffic,

my knocking of it, knock you up and bind you to effrontery... hammer in hand and a nail between your teeth,

so how's the weather?
did you pass the exams?
what does it matter?

are you self-destructing before our very eyes?
do online entities have eyes?

titties [giggles]

I'm packing my bags for Ireland you know?

Going to brawl it up with you and the other two, then buy you a beer... busk on the streets, play a little rugby, go to one of those bars that plays niche music, just kiwi stuff you know... like the ones in Christchurch that only play Irish stuff. Gonna be a star for a night, burn bright, burn bright.

So, back to this poem.

How's the weather over there?
| Posted on 2009-05-06 00:00:00 | by Daniel Barlow | [ Reply to This ]

Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

1. Be honest.
2. Try not to give only compliments.
3. How did it make you feel?
4. Why did it make you feel that way?
5. Which parts?
6. What distracted from the piece? 7. What was unclear?
8. What does it remind you of?
9. How could it be improved?
10. What would you have done differently?
11. What was your interpretation of it?
12. Does it feel original?

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