[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav

  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav

    << | >>

    dots Submission Name: Before Your Light Leaves This World.dots

    Author: xXCptn_SephyXx
    ASL Info:    22/f/PA
    Elite Ratio:    2.65 - 46/119/104
    Words: 98
    Class/Type: Poetry/Serious
    Total Views: 934
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 652

       Although I did not like him very much, I wanted to write a small sonnet to my ex who just recently passed away from an OD a few weeks ago.

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsBefore Your Light Leaves This World.dots

    Unaware I stand in the hall,
    The curtains carelessly flow.
    Certain that I could hear his call,
    But denied, for death did blow.
    The October sun eternally glistens,
    Leaves fall and dance around.
    Just wait and listen:
    Memories that haunt continue to surround.
    Your toxic waste creeps into future time,
    Even after a beautiful memorial do you seek,
    To thrive in this world, as little as a dime.
    No, you will not be forgotten, even though you were weak.

    Times have changed and your time has come
    Our life together memorable, but more it cannot become.

    Submitted on 2009-05-08 11:42:43     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      Death is always surprisingly hard to deal with. There was this kid, David, when I was 12, and although nobody knew it, he was really sick, and nobody liked him because he was supa obnoxious. But one day my ma mentioned in passing that he'd died over the summer, and that killed me. I thought maybe she hadn't actually told me that and when I woke up, I'd go to school and find him and we'd be bffs. Ha. . .

    A few things, which you can 100% ignore. I understand if you don't want to revise. But here, thoughts:

    Some of the rhymes are interesting, and others are less than...

    Your toxic waste creeps into future time,
    (i like this)
    Even after a beautiful memorial do you seek,
    To thrive in this world, as little as a dime

    Now after that awesome toxic waste line, you kind of... drop off. I'm not sure the idea of being as little as a dime coincides accurately with the idea of thriving in the world. And I hate to say it, but it seems like you put that in just to make the rhyme.

    Also this:

    Our life together memorable, but more it cannot become.

    ... super wordy... I would suggest maybe making it, "our life together memorable, but no more it can become."

    So... I don't know.
    These are just my thoughts.

    | Posted on 2009-05-08 00:00:00 | by etheror | [ Reply to This ]

    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?


    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.




    User Name:


    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]

    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]

    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]