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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: The Forgotten (V2)dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Texan_Poet
    ASL Info:    20/F/daydreaming
    Elite Ratio:    5.7 - 127/123/48
    Words: 296
    Class/Type: Random Thoughts/Serious
    Total Views: 590
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 2242



    Description:
       I THINK i finally finished it. I may still do a little editing. I also think it may need a new title. Idk, but it's really different from the origional, I would say. Much better I think, but it may just be vanity speaking. LOL.

    Lady Rose


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsThe Forgotten (V2)dots
    -------------------------------------------


    I'm crying,
    Drowning in the cold rain.
    I'm dying,
    A pain no doctor can fix.
    My heart
    How is it still going?
    I can almost...
    Feel it slowing.
    The blood
    Slithering across my skin,
    Falling from jagged slashes.
    I can feel
    The breath of darkness
    Can you hear?
    It's whispering my name...
    Sweet and soft,
    Like a lovers' caress.
    Or am I
    Just going insane?

    A vermillion cacoon,
    wrapped tightly
    Around my throat
    Silently stealing my breath
    Am I just a sacrifice?
    Pampered to be acceptable,
    Buchered to appease
    Skulking monsters, and
    Lurking death?

    Icy rain falls,
    A hissing laughter
    Pressing me down into
    A snow-white altar.
    Slucing blood and tears
    From my skin,
    Stealing the little warmth
    That I have left.

    The darkness....
    Consuming my mind.
    Dark secrets,
    Now will you ever know
    The truth?
    I lie here,
    Bound to the altar
    Waiting for the shadow-lover
    To come and kiss away
    My soul.

    I was a dreamer...
    But they broke me.
    A secret keeper,
    An innocent.

    I was a believer...
    But they disabused me
    Of my trust
    in humanity.

    I am the broken one,
    The one you never
    Gave a second chance to,
    I am one who is unforgiven
    And quietly ignored
    In a silent nightmarish dream.


    In this lethal midnight requem
    I am the unwanted,
    The ever begotten
    I am the one
    Conveniently forogtten,
    The sacrificial virgin.

    The death of honor
    And of trust and
    Childish love.
    The death of a simple smile,
    Of quiet understanding
    And belief in God.

    The death of Innocence,
    Sacrificed to sanctify
    The Greed,
    Wrath,
    Gluttony,
    Envy,
    Pride,
    Sloth,
    And Lust
    Of our world.

    Are you
    One of my killers?




    Submitted on 2009-05-08 13:05:31     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Buchered needs a t

    I have to say that I respect the fact that we are different. And being different doesn't mean I'm saying you are something I'm not or vice versa, as if it was some sort of failing.

    So honestly, this contains so much that is good and great and so many places where I'd just do this or add a touch of that. But it's ok to be different and I don't think either of us are eager to make changes to work for the simple sake of appeasing someone.

    So I like it Rose, and there's much more here than Technical mights or might nots.

    It contains a lot of heart and artistry and that's what i like.

    Am I just a sacrifice?
    Pampered to be acceptable,
    Butchered to appease
    Skulking monsters, and
    Lurking death?

    really good stuff.
    | Posted on 2009-05-13 00:00:00 | by Daniel Barlow | [ Reply to This ]
      WOW. I didn't realize it was so looooooooong.
    Sorry Ya'll

    Lady Rose
    | Posted on 2009-05-13 00:00:00 | by Texan_Poet | [ Reply to This ]
      Deep stuff there Rose, I felt all the pain in this work and I almost burst into tears. I loved the discription you oput into this piece and I hope things get better for you my dear and close friend. The way you decribed a suicide was amazing I thought the imagry was really good. I vow though if you off yourself I will torment you in the after-life. JK love ya' just not like that. I hope things get better for you, my friend.
    | Posted on 2009-05-13 00:00:00 | by Sepheroth432 | [ Reply to This ]
      cacoon- cocoon

    Buchered- Butchered

    Slucing- Sluicing

    The new version is nearly incomparable to the old, though you used nearly the same closing lines. You play with the words, using them in unusual ways (shadow-lover, vermilion cocoon, sluiced blood and tears.... very interesting images.)

    As always, an interesting read.

    Slainte,

    DW
    | Posted on 2009-05-12 00:00:00 | by Shadowstar13 | [ Reply to This ]
      I actually think this is really good, some of the wordplay, the sonics are bangin!

    Second read through the first verse and it was better, but as an intro to the poem it seems a bit predictable in that it fits into the slot of a genre a little too nicely, also it seems to want just a little for rhyme, i don't know, it just feels a little thing.

    'going'

    A heart doesn't really go. Yes, it can and does, but I think you could find a better rhyme pairing there.

    finger painting wanke r = me.


    Drowning in the cold rain.
    I'm dying,
    Crying
    for the doctor though
    He doesn't deal in pain.
    My heart,
    How is it it survives?
    When I can feel the pressure
    Diving.
    The blood
    Sent slithering across my skin,
    Falling, pretty jagged slashes.
    I can feel
    The breath of darkness
    Can you hear?

    etc

    I just think there's a lot that you could do to make this section move better.

    food for thought anyway.

    DB
    | Posted on 2009-05-11 00:00:00 | by Daniel Barlow | [ Reply to This ]
      this one. remember i said I'd like to work on a poem... this one.

    To be honest i don't really get the cutting deal,
    but that's ok. There are lots of thing i don't get.

    I like the parts of this that stray away from the norm,
    vermilion throat etc

    and you actually have a lot of passages that are very pleasing as far as sound and the routes you take.

    I'll come back to this later today.
    | Posted on 2009-05-08 00:00:00 | by Daniel Barlow | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

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