Description: Interesting since i havent written much lately. Im confused. its kind of about something my english teacher said..
Read Between the Lines -------------------------------------------
Hands move as thoughts churn
In a mind full of words
Grace the page with knowledge
Stories of distant lands
Your pain, your experiences
Anyone can read you like a book
Bind your cover tightly
It only takes one look
Read between the lines
What can you infer?
Itís just a story of a worn out girl.
And you cannot save her.
I thought this would be good practice. Forgive me for taking the first one, I sort of lost track of all your pieces since you seem to produce so many so quickly. Today I will talk to you about internal rhymes... A lot of slightly more educated poets will tell you 'A good internal rhyme scheme is MUCH more powerful than a good end-rhyme scheme.' Well, they're full of [censored]. Whether it's on the inside or the outside, it is the same thing... Well done, it won't show yet reading it there will be a great lyrical quality... Not well done, it will show, reading it or not. One of the first things that gives something away is to have a rhyme that's TOO obvious. Spell out your words, if they're all -ing -ing -ing -ing... it will come across as obvious... even if you have alternating rhymes of -ing -ate -ing -ate.. or what not. Which is why 'slant rhymes' exist. They're like these almost rhymes, sounds that are almost in tune, with a tiny bit of distortion.. you know? Apple and Angel.. The rhyming sounds are (-pul) and (-jull). If you articulate them properly though, you'll see that the final phonetic really isn't similar, yet the illusion is there. Now, having a mix between internal slant rhymes, and true rhyme is AWESOME. Don't depend on it toooo much though... A lot of poets focus on that, and become great with it, but forget to put some effort into what they're saying.. and it ends up that they can say things well, but have nothing to say.
So, what I would like to see, is for you to introduce such 'internal' rhymes in this poem. Think you can do it? This is actually a REALLY good poem, especially because of that last rhyme in-fer/save-her... the sound is just so.. SEXY.
Also, something else I saw... your last four lines measure respectively '5/5/10/6' which, you can easily make either 5/5/5/5/5 or 5/5/10/5. If you cut the cannot for can't, you'd shorten the last line. I don't know if you'd want to, it could ruin the quality of that line, but at the same time.. the option is there.
One last note, for the 'internal' rhymes. I know I said if it looks exactly the same, it most likely isn't the best of rhymes.. but, there are exceptions. Things like using 'Languid' with 'anguish' or 'Convert' with 'Covert.' Something fun to do, with words that is, if you need to pack more power in your lines is to take the ones you already have and alter them a bit. If you can find pairs, like the two I mentioned, and use them in conjunction, it's even better..
The languid convert bathed in filthy water
where covert anguish played with nifty paper
..haha, I got lazy with paper, but I think you get the idea. I went a little overboard having both lines measure the exact same and literally having everything repeat. Ha. But I think you get the idea.
SO YEAH. EAT THAT. But honestly, try it... show me, and I'll give you super praises of doom - if you do it well, else I'm going to have to kill you. Sorry, it's just business.
This is good Chan. I think I can relate pretty well to what its saying and the way you wrote it was really cool. To further what red said, the last two lines make anything that the reader might be confused about throughout the poem suddenly sure of its meaning. Very very good!
And you had better stop saying your not a good writer.
So simple, and yet elegant. I'm not goin to lie, I've been on this cite since I was fifteen (tell me I'm not a loser lol) and I've seen a million read between the lines poems. Most of them have nothing to do with reading between any lines, just a catchy name for someone spewin out feelins in a bunch of unthought out, un-sophisticated, un-original lines. Anyway, enough ranting.
Your's was different, poetry is a lot like a good joke...the punch line can't really have anything to do with the build up. Not that it should be totally left field...anyway, you accomplished that with your last two verses, they brought a deeper meaning to the rest of the poem and that's fly.