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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Butterfly(v2)dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Texan_Poet
    ASL Info:    20/F/daydreaming
    Elite Ratio:    5.7 - 127/123/48
    Words: 144
    Class/Type: Random Thoughts/Nostalgia
    Total Views: 483
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1121



    Description:
       An edit of the origional Butterfly.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsButterfly(v2)dots
    -------------------------------------------


    A gentle sweep of beauty,
    Perfection in flaws.
    Everywhere, but
    Unnoticed, unseen.
    Graceful in life and death?
    Silent; craving
    One more breath.

    A shout of color,
    Bold and bright,
    Crowing a joyous life
    Of slow scuicide.
    But...
    Dimmer colors, too.
    Hidden,
    Behind the brightest shades,
    Nothing, self-proclamed
    But a Monarch, in truth.


    Millions, thousands,
    Unique, yet all the same.
    Classified, catogorized,
    Folded up
    Like neat little notes
    Passed between high school lovers.
    Put into a tidy little box
    We lable 'I understand.'

    Flitting from one thing to another,
    Trying only to survive?
    Or to understand how to live?
    A splash of lively color,
    There and gone,
    Dead in a split second,
    But lasting, it seems,
    For eternity.
    So small, so fragile.
    So easily destroyed.

    How much do we have in common
    With the common butterfly?




    Submitted on 2009-05-13 12:41:36     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      I think you did a great job of improving this with your revisions.... the last two lines... I'm not sure, maybe a little unsurprising not quite as evocative?

    I liked the sparing use of the question-mark, when you did use them it seemed like that coincided with high points, and it's a fantastic thing when you can take a piece away and bring it back stronger. That's what i feel you've done here.



    | Posted on 2009-05-13 00:00:00 | by Daniel Barlow | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
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    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
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    12. Does it feel original?



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