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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Butterfly(v2)dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Texan_Poet
    ASL Info:    20/F/daydreaming
    Elite Ratio:    5.7 - 127/123/48
    Words: 144
    Class/Type: Random Thoughts/Nostalgia
    Total Views: 462
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1121



    Description:
       An edit of the origional Butterfly.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsButterfly(v2)dots
    -------------------------------------------


    A gentle sweep of beauty,
    Perfection in flaws.
    Everywhere, but
    Unnoticed, unseen.
    Graceful in life and death?
    Silent; craving
    One more breath.

    A shout of color,
    Bold and bright,
    Crowing a joyous life
    Of slow scuicide.
    But...
    Dimmer colors, too.
    Hidden,
    Behind the brightest shades,
    Nothing, self-proclamed
    But a Monarch, in truth.


    Millions, thousands,
    Unique, yet all the same.
    Classified, catogorized,
    Folded up
    Like neat little notes
    Passed between high school lovers.
    Put into a tidy little box
    We lable 'I understand.'

    Flitting from one thing to another,
    Trying only to survive?
    Or to understand how to live?
    A splash of lively color,
    There and gone,
    Dead in a split second,
    But lasting, it seems,
    For eternity.
    So small, so fragile.
    So easily destroyed.

    How much do we have in common
    With the common butterfly?




    Submitted on 2009-05-13 12:41:36     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      I think you did a great job of improving this with your revisions.... the last two lines... I'm not sure, maybe a little unsurprising not quite as evocative?

    I liked the sparing use of the question-mark, when you did use them it seemed like that coincided with high points, and it's a fantastic thing when you can take a piece away and bring it back stronger. That's what i feel you've done here.



    | Posted on 2009-05-13 00:00:00 | by Daniel Barlow | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
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    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



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