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    dots Submission Name: From High To Helldots

    Author: silverpen
    ASL Info:    17/F/Right Behind You
    Elite Ratio:    3.39 - 16/35/35
    Words: 282
    Class/Type: Poetry/Dark
    Total Views: 891
    Average Vote:    5.0000
    Bytes: 1668

       So, I felt like writing a poem that somehow symbolized the passing and changes within a single day. I don't know how it is for anyone else, but I usually feel happier within the daylight hours, and vice versa at night. Also, in a way it's showing the basic progression of life. I hope you enjoy, and I will freaking heart you forever if you comment on it. >_>

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsFrom High To Helldots

    Nobody can ruin my high today.
    The earth is brighter, I say,
    And there is just no way,
    No mean words for a soul to belay.
    Listening to the wind gust and sing,
    And the cardinals fly in beautiful rings,
    Itís hard not to feel jealousy,
    For it is impossible to do those perfect things.
    Still, I guess its okay.
    Who cares if I have a broken wing?
    One day for this, I will have to pay,
    But now, I can pretend I am a King.

    The sun has to set when Evening hits,
    So the brightness is shattered to tatters and bits.
    The lanterns all are hung and lit,
    Yet still, with darkness, there s no escaping it.
    The day was nice, I paid no price,
    No fortune for my extra spice.
    Yet now the night can not suffice
    For what I want, a perfect life.
    All I want is one cheek planted kiss.
    That, instead of a double edged knife.
    Jealously has given me fits,
    Replacing the happiness with a darker strife.

    So now, I can visit the darker side.
    Full frontal blackness, where even the moon will hide.
    There is no savior in which to confide,
    No footsteps with which to match my stride.
    Now, in this room, itís a little to late,
    Thereís no being rescued from this icy place.
    And in this fact there can be no debate
    That every inch of the walls is smothered with hate.
    Now, this is the dip on the ride.
    Holding my breath, Iím forced to wait--
    Forcing in all the pain inside.
    Itís just a bit longer till the dawn will break.

    Submitted on 2009-05-13 21:13:27     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      Pen! That was great!
    It went together so perfectly, and I am jealous of your rhyming ability. Seriously, I can't rhyme. >_<
    But this poem really depicted the changes of a day just right.
    Mucho kudos and luvz!

    | Posted on 2009-07-03 00:00:00 | by Renada | [ Reply to This ]
      Cool and sad at the same time. Enjoyed the journey of reading it through.

    I would agree the pace threw me off a bit also. Wasn't that big a deal in the end. Tweak or not it is still good.

    I have something similiar on my page called The Night Speaks. I invite you to check it out.

    Write on!
    | Posted on 2009-05-15 00:00:00 | by Kuuipo | [ Reply to This ]
      For some reason, this sounds more like a song, less like a poem. :3 It should be a rap, really - I'd love it if it was one.

    Critique: the only thing that threw me off pace was..

    "All I want is one cheek planted kiss.
    That, instead of a double edged knife.
    Jealously has given me fits,"

    because it changed 'tempo' or 'beat,' in the middle of the poem. You may consider revision, or you could keep it as a remarkable quirk. Up to you.

    In either case, ti's awesome. Keep it up.

    | Posted on 2009-05-15 00:00:00 | by Quin | [ Reply to This ]
      Thanks! ^-^
    | Posted on 2009-05-13 00:00:00 | by silverpen | [ Reply to This ]
      Freaking awsome!
    | Posted on 2009-05-13 00:00:00 | by Me_and_a_half | [ Reply to This ]

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