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    dots Submission Name: Lay down your seeking bootsdots

    Author: elephantasia
    ASL Info:    37/F/UK
    Elite Ratio:    3.54 - 398/490/160
    Words: 88
    Class/Type: Misc/Misc
    Total Views: 688
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 530


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    dotsLay down your seeking bootsdots

    I take refuge in my heart
    where the stillness
    plays secret melodies
    I cannot yet hear
    where there is darkness
    because I cannot yet see the light
    I feel it however

    I feel it
    and it makes my soul dance

    I seek not connection Rumi, oh friend
    I seek not union
    I seek not to be God
    walking with God

    I am a drop in You, Ocean
    In You and of You
    So I lay down my seeking boots
    and rest in Your silence.

    Submitted on 2009-05-17 17:41:27     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      There is no destruction. I just simply say Iin this poem, in that moment I was no longer seeking it. You dont seek for what you have already.
    | Posted on 2010-12-27 00:00:00 | by elephantasia | [ Reply to This ]
      I like the simplistic tones of this poem, the idea that weight is partially granted by perception before creation... but at the same time I find many conflicting points in this poem. One of them is concerning the main theme, but I will get to that later.

    I'll nit-pick a bit. I think 'secret' is a slight bit redundant because if stillness is playing melodies, there's already an implied sense of exclusiveness - otherwise insanity would literally be a norm. There's also the combination of ideas, 'the stillness in my heart' which is presumably not accessible to many. This doesn't, however, make the word useless or stupid.

    because I cannot yet see the light
    I feel it however

    I don't like here how you have 'yet' and 'however' so close to one another, and the extended first line is a little awkward. If I may, I would suggest something like this instead:

    I cannot yet see what I feel
    this [thought], this light

    The word thought is a little random, and I put it betwixt brackets to show that it is a shaky suggestion. Along the lines of my suggestion, you would still have the culminating prowess of your repetition without having them placed too close to one another..

    One last point, if I were to suggest punctuation, it would be after 'my soul dance' because to me there seems to be a clear separation between what is before that, and what follows. Otherwise, the poem read out pretty well.

    My concern with respect to the theme is your 'destruction' of Rumi's peaceful morals. You 'counter' this idea with a metaphor of the sea, yet to me this is analogous to unity, and peaceful 'flow.' Are you suggesting a connection to all things rather than one thing? Or are you creating the distinction between the spiritual Sufi and the man?

    Anyhow, this was a good read. Thank you for posting, and sharing...
    | Posted on 2009-05-30 00:00:00 | by Outlaw | [ Reply to This ]

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