Dark Desires by FallenAngelJC

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Submission Name: Dark Desires dots

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Author:	FallenAngelJC
Elite Ratio:	3.4 - 47/53/41
Words:	127

Class/Type:	Misc/Longing
Total Views:	47
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	754

Description:

Dark Desires dots

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Carass me, I want to feel your skin touch my own...

I lose my sight, only to see you in my darkness, glowing like candle light

Feeling your lips, I want to suck life itself from a kiss...

Your scent drives the greatest sensation, no eden can rival

Let me commit sin, my desire for you knows no bounds...

The feeling of being one with you, I know now why the Gods be jealous of mortality

A Throbbing feeling, and a sweet moan of a finish...

Let me run my fingers through your hair and body, I can hear the angels crying

Smile to me, once pure maiden...
And Feed My DarK Desires...

Submitted on 2009-05-17 19:46:11 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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||| Comments |||
  Sometimes spelling is really an issue for me, especially if the mispelt word is similar to a different kind of word altogether. The spelling 'Carass' spoilt the first reading because it was in the beginning of the sentence of the poem and it was unavoidable to notice it. :(

Sorry I tried to sugarcoat the nitpick and it looks even more of a big deal. It was ok after leaving it for a few days and came back to read it. I must have been in a gothic mood to notice it. :)

I like the feel of the poem, when I read it, it feels like there is a lustful feeling of wanting more with each line, and then reaching the end it slows down. I feel the formatting is in par with the content, like the '...' in intervals is like a rhythm like in the actual act of lust. xD;;

I disagree a little with BCute's comment on the word 'drives'. I feel that the diction is creates a feeling of incompleteness, like being driven to get something. Words like 'suck life itself from a kiss', 'feed' like desiring something, wanting it. It has a certain degree of intensity.

Just another nitpick (Oh no) is the 'angels crying'. Although it does sound nice, but I have difficulty trying to understand what it stands for, or if it is literal, what an angel's cry actually sounds like.

I want to mention my few favorite lines, which is imagery in 'glowing like a candle light', I could vividly imagine it, like in a very dark room and the light is bouncing off the skin, creating a glow. And to 'suck life itself from a kiss' made me imagine such an intense kiss that I can relate to. I love the ending, where it has a little punch. Though he is saying 'smile to me', I can imagine he is actually sinisterly smiling. Creepy but cool.

As again, just my feelings.
| Posted on 2009-05-23 00:00:00 | by arodase | [ Reply to This ]
  Hello. I'm on to do some commenting and critiquing. I stumbled upon
this wonderful little piece. I found the contrast between what you're describing
and something religious like Eden quote potennt. Some never quite
catch how to combined the two and create such a picture perfect sequence.

Now. I'm going to critique a little. But please do not take offense. I only do so to give opinion.
It can be taken or not! It's YOUR work and really
you should decide when it's good or not. Just a helpful tip if you will.

The layout of the poem confuses me. I understand you put them in
seperate lines with a space between each for reading peurposes. To make
each line strike the reader right in the heart.

I believe it could be laid out something like this. Notice
there are some other corrections just capitilization spelling, and stuff.

Caress me. I want to feel your skin touch my own.
I lose my sight.
Only to see you in my darkness, glowing like candlelight.
Feeling your lips; I want to suck life itself from a kiss.
Your scent drives {I want to say that creates might work better then drives here} the greatest sensation.
No Eden can rival.
Let me commit sin!
My desire for you knows no bounds.
The feeling of being one with you.
I know now why the gods be jealous of mortality.
A throbbing feeling, and a sweet moan of finish.
Let me run my fingers through your hair and body.
Listen! {Makes more direct, I think?} Can you hear the angels crying?
Smile to me once, Pure Maiden -- and feed my dark desires.

Again -- these are just my thoughts. Take them as you will. I t was a
delightful piece to read. I enjoyed it.

BCute
| Posted on 2009-05-18 00:00:00 | by BCute | [ Reply to This ]
  Very nice. The only suggestion that I could give is to try breaking it up into separate stanzas. The words together are amazing, kind of seeing into the thoughts of someone in lust.
| Posted on 2009-05-17 00:00:00 | by GoddessShakti | [ Reply to This ]

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