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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Hung Like A Stud Buggiedots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: igibson
    ASL Info:    21/M/CA
    Elite Ratio:    6.25 - 20/10/6
    Words: 318
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 71
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1745



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsHung Like A Stud Buggiedots
    -------------------------------------------


    All at once, it hits me like a nightmare,
    And I’m stuck half awake and catastrophically disoriented.
    I force my eyes to let in the sun that has balanced its self perfectly on the eastern horizon,
    There’s a raw taste of iron dripping off the roof of my mouth,
    and my lips are so dry that I’m terrified they’ll rip open as soon as I part them,
    I don’t remember what occurred 12 hours ago,
    when everything was twice as blurred as it is now.
    I stand up and try to find my balance,
    but it seems my legs have given up on the task I put upon them.
    So I reach over with my left hand to grasp the couch in which I found myself on,
    Failing several times before I finally find the stability I was hoping for.
    There’s a loss of motion that falls across my body for several minutes,
    And it takes more thought process then it normally should to jump start my nerves,
    I feel completely numb, swollen from head to toe, and ridiculously stupid.
    After I have found my bearings and started off in the right direction it doesn’t take long
    For me to lose everything I had consumed within the last 24 hours.
    Now I am sweating, and shaking as if the ground underneath my knees is falling apart.
    I put both hands onto the cold porcelain that has engulfed my head,
    And brace myself for the loss of fluids that’s about to make my entire upper body convulse.
    About an hour passes, and I don’t feel much better.
    My Knees are still stuck to linoleum and the taste of iron has been replaced
    With a very sour and unpleasant flavour.
    Maybe this time I will learn my lesson, or maybe next time I won’t wake up…




    Submitted on 2009-05-18 17:20:31     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      the last line. thats how i feel all the time. everyday i wonder if it would be better not to wake up, but for some reason i still pull myself out of bed. hope gets you through. you just have to figure out what to put your hope in. hope you find it though.

    peace.
    kt
    | Posted on 2009-06-03 00:00:00 | by Theophilus | [ Reply to This ]
      'to grasp the couch in which I found myself on'

    this is basically the major flaw that sticks out.

    it would read better as: which i had found myself on.

    Other than that, yeah there's a solidness to your writing that i enjoy, I would think of this more as short prose than long poetry but having experienced waking like that it doesn't really matter what you'd call the writing. It's accurate and that's the main thing, so yeah..... maybe look at how you approach it, 1st person v other personage-issssssssssssssss

    because it can make a huge different to the impact it has on the reader, and often one stance makes for a smoother, less complicated read than another.

    So, I've seen some good stuff on these two I've commented on.

    Where's the rockstar?
    | Posted on 2009-05-20 00:00:00 | by BrokeArtGallery | [ Reply to This ]



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