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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: The Forgotten (v3)dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Texan_Poet
    ASL Info:    20/F/daydreaming
    Elite Ratio:    5.7 - 127/123/48
    Words: 365
    Class/Type: Random Thoughts/Serious
    Total Views: 659
    Average Vote:    4.0000
    Bytes: 2838



    Description:
       I am working with one of my friends to make this one better. The v3 is because this is the third edit of this poem. Enjoy, and thanks to Daniel Barlow.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsThe Forgotten (v3)dots
    -------------------------------------------


    Drowning in the cold rain.
    I'm dying,
    Crying,
    But the doctor, though,
    He doesn't deal in pain.
    My heart,
    How is it
    It still tries?
    Survives?
    When I can feel the pressure;
    Building.
    When I can feel my consciousness
    Diving; spiraling down.
    The blood;
    Slithering under my skin,
    Falling from
    Pretty, jaded,
    Jagged slashes.
    I can feel
    The breath of darkness
    Can you hear?
    A whisper,
    A promise of
    An end to the pain;
    If only for a while.

    A vermillion cacoon,
    Strangling;
    Wrapped
    Around my throat
    Stealing my breath
    Am I just a sacrifice?
    Pampered;
    To be acceptable,
    Butchered;
    To appease skulking monsters,
    And lurking death?

    Icy rain falls,
    A hissing, mocking laughter
    Pressing me down onto
    A snow-white altar;
    Suspended in the hoarfrost;
    A prisoner.
    Rations of cold hugs,
    Fake smiles and
    Glass kisses;
    Slucing the blood,
    The tears,
    From my soul;
    Stealing the little hope
    That I have left.

    The darkness....
    Toying with my mind.
    Dark secrets,
    Now will you ever know
    The truth?

    I lie here,
    Bound to the altar,
    Waiting for the shadow-lover
    To come and kiss away
    My soul;
    At least his
    Will be real.
    Will I feel it?
    Or will it be
    Painless; like he promised?

    I was a dreamer...
    But they broke me.
    A secret keeper,
    An innocent.

    I was a believer...
    But they disabused me
    Of my trust
    in humanity;
    In family.

    I am the shattered one,
    The one you never
    Gave a second chance to,
    I am one who is unforgiven
    And quietly ignored
    In a silent nightmare;
    Reality.


    In this lethal dream,
    Requem of silent screams,
    I am the unwanted,
    Begotten;
    I am the one
    Conveniently forogtten,
    A sacrificial virgin
    Shivering; crying
    Clothed in the thinest
    Of white silk dresses.

    The death of honor
    And of trust and
    Childish love.
    The death of a simple smile,
    Of quiet understanding
    And belief in God.

    The death of Innocence,
    Sacrificed to sanctify,
    To satisfy,
    The Greed,
    Wrath,
    Gluttony,
    Envy,
    Pride,
    Sloth,
    And Lust
    Taking over,
    Destroyng our world.

    Are you
    One of my killers?





    Submitted on 2009-05-21 10:14:46     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

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    ||| Comments |||
      ...... Holy crapolla... This piece of your thoughts has some relly dark points to it. Ok, as you know I love your writing and usually dont have any bad things to say about your work, and even though you did do very well on this edit, heres the area I think could be a bit better.

    A vermillion cacoon,
    Strangling;
    Wrapped
    Around my throat
    Stealing my breath
    Am I just a sacrifice?
    Pampered;
    To be acceptable,
    Butchered;
    To appease skulking monsters,
    And lurking death?

    When you use vermillion I dont think readers may get the meaning of this verse, because to me vermillion was always a warm color and this verse seems to have mor dark/cold elements than warm/bright.

    Thats really all i have to say about this rendition, hope that helps you.

    your friend,
    Justin Laban

    | Posted on 2009-11-02 00:00:00 | by Sepheroth432 | [ Reply to This ]
      Subtle differences from the last one make this stand out in my mind.

    Beautiful and dark; I can't even say any more.

    Slainte,

    DW
    | Posted on 2009-06-04 00:00:00 | by Shadowstar13 | [ Reply to This ]
      come on people. saying you dont like it is still a comment. give me some feed back here, im trying to make it better.
    | Posted on 2009-06-03 00:00:00 | by Texan_Poet | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    174662

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

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