[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav

  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav

    << | >>

    dots Submission Name: Decaydots

    Author: CourtneyLynne
    ASL Info:    23/female/Washington
    Elite Ratio:    5.37 - 74/70/56
    Words: 166
    Class/Type: Poetry/Serious
    Total Views: 707
    Average Vote:    5.0000
    Bytes: 1027

       hm. don't know. feedback? I was fiddling with rhyme, I haven't really done the aabbaabb rhyme scheme in a long time.

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.


    We've laughed and loved and yet we're dead
    from spending too much time in bed
    losing life and living lies
    hoarding drugs and alibis
    here we are and yet we're lost
    among our lust and living cost
    how is it we say we're great
    when our lives are filled with hate?
    kill me now if you're just fine,
    long ago we crossed that line
    where fine was good and good was lost
    and sins became a living cost
    no longer bad but purely right
    no longer hidden out of sight
    just a life we’ll live to die,
    for our life's lived to defy
    the way it was before our time
    it's trite and better left behind
    morals are a bitter prune,
    left out late and much too soon.
    sanity is just a plus,
    its not a virtue, not like lust
    Now we cherish simple pleas
    we utter prayers upon our knees
    to wash away the latest grime
    so we are clean for future crime.

    Submitted on 2009-05-28 00:33:03     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      Hi there Merry Meet. Your journal speaks of something you might find in my journal and "as Above ....." poem. Seems you have a deul on with your self. Well, may the best part win. Regards jm.
    | Posted on 2009-08-27 00:00:00 | by Joachim | [ Reply to This ]
      well...some things abut this, it loses the beat ever so slightly before the end, by about one syllable in the lines.

    "Now we cherish simple pleas
    we utter prayers on our knees
    to wash away the latest grime
    so we're clean for future crime."

    I usually dont make suggestions, but in this case I might get away with it without dis-respecting your work and sounding aloof.

    If you just changed it to:

    Now we cherish simple pleas
    we utter prayers (upon) our knees
    to wash away the latest grime
    so (we are) clean for future crime.

    Just a minor change and it would be perfect for me, though I guess you could say its so miniscule that its not that important.

    Anyway, I like what youve done here. The rhyming would have sounded forced were it not for the sheer pace of the piece, it moves along so very nicely that you forget to look at the ababab format of thing, so on that front good work.

    Ive had a look at your work and I guess your not someone who really needs to be prodded critique wise. You seem to have the right feel for your own writing so...yeah...

    Grand stuff:P


    | Posted on 2009-05-29 00:00:00 | by Raphael | [ Reply to This ]
      Hi there. This is great in all aspects. Writing, rhyme, words images the lot. I like it. Will comms later must digest a bit more. Luv it. Jm.
    | Posted on 2009-05-29 00:00:00 | by Joachim | [ Reply to This ]

    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?


    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    (Untitled Song) written by TeslaKoyal
    winners circle written by ShyOne
    untitled written by ShyOne
    Love written by saartha
    Vortex: The Imagination That Is written by KeeperOfLight
    Journey written by endlessgame23
    to Be like written by KeeperOfLight
    Records I written by Raphael
    Physician, Heal Thyself written by WriteSomething
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (3) written by endlessgame23
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (2) written by endlessgame23
    I AM THANKFUL FOR written by Ramneet
    Etiquette written by saartha
    prison written by ShyOne
    The World written by jjd
    Tartarus written by endlessgame23
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (4) written by endlessgame23
    I, Plutarch written by HisNameIsNoMore
    The Poems Death written by Mepoduo
    Florida's Autumn Solstice written by closetpoet
    i've missed written by mysalvation
    Birds of a Feather written by poetotoe
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (6) written by endlessgame23
    Suffer The Children written by poetotoe
    Redemption written by poetotoe
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (1) written by endlessgame23
    The Old Mill written by Wolfwatching
    The Unicorn written by BlazeFlamme
    Shi written by ShyOne
    When Sirens Whisper written by HisNameIsNoMore




    User Name:


    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]

    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]

    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]