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    dots Submission Name: Decaydots

    Author: CourtneyLynne
    ASL Info:    23/female/Washington
    Elite Ratio:    5.37 - 74/70/56
    Words: 166
    Class/Type: Poetry/Serious
    Total Views: 720
    Average Vote:    5.0000
    Bytes: 1027

       hm. don't know. feedback? I was fiddling with rhyme, I haven't really done the aabbaabb rhyme scheme in a long time.

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.


    We've laughed and loved and yet we're dead
    from spending too much time in bed
    losing life and living lies
    hoarding drugs and alibis
    here we are and yet we're lost
    among our lust and living cost
    how is it we say we're great
    when our lives are filled with hate?
    kill me now if you're just fine,
    long ago we crossed that line
    where fine was good and good was lost
    and sins became a living cost
    no longer bad but purely right
    no longer hidden out of sight
    just a life we’ll live to die,
    for our life's lived to defy
    the way it was before our time
    it's trite and better left behind
    morals are a bitter prune,
    left out late and much too soon.
    sanity is just a plus,
    its not a virtue, not like lust
    Now we cherish simple pleas
    we utter prayers upon our knees
    to wash away the latest grime
    so we are clean for future crime.

    Submitted on 2009-05-28 00:33:03     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    Rate This Submission

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    ||| Comments |||
      Hi there Merry Meet. Your journal speaks of something you might find in my journal and "as Above ....." poem. Seems you have a deul on with your self. Well, may the best part win. Regards jm.
    | Posted on 2009-08-27 00:00:00 | by Joachim | [ Reply to This ]
      well...some things abut this, it loses the beat ever so slightly before the end, by about one syllable in the lines.

    "Now we cherish simple pleas
    we utter prayers on our knees
    to wash away the latest grime
    so we're clean for future crime."

    I usually dont make suggestions, but in this case I might get away with it without dis-respecting your work and sounding aloof.

    If you just changed it to:

    Now we cherish simple pleas
    we utter prayers (upon) our knees
    to wash away the latest grime
    so (we are) clean for future crime.

    Just a minor change and it would be perfect for me, though I guess you could say its so miniscule that its not that important.

    Anyway, I like what youve done here. The rhyming would have sounded forced were it not for the sheer pace of the piece, it moves along so very nicely that you forget to look at the ababab format of thing, so on that front good work.

    Ive had a look at your work and I guess your not someone who really needs to be prodded critique wise. You seem to have the right feel for your own writing so...yeah...

    Grand stuff:P


    | Posted on 2009-05-29 00:00:00 | by Raphael | [ Reply to This ]
      Hi there. This is great in all aspects. Writing, rhyme, words images the lot. I like it. Will comms later must digest a bit more. Luv it. Jm.
    | Posted on 2009-05-29 00:00:00 | by Joachim | [ Reply to This ]

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