Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Each day the clouds sob great tearsdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: my shadow
    Elite Ratio:    4.82 - 291/150/48
    Words: 174
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 818
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1066



    Description:
       Something on the condition of life, how it seems (may be) more or less affected/effected by things beyond individual control. Some may react by being fatalistic while others may act by exerting maximum control over their affairs. But how much of a person's life is (his) own?. Paying a penny is in reference to organized religion.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsEach day the clouds sob great tearsdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Each day the clouds sob great tears,
    They fall on some, some of the time
    They fall on others, other times.
    It seems they must fall on everyone sometime
    What are the chances they will never fall on someone?
    What are the chances they will always fall on someone?
    Who wins the lottery of happiness?
    Who loses?

    At night the sad moon mopes in a dark sky
    Looking down on the lonely souls below
    Those who have not won life's lottery
    Those who speak without being heard
    Those who sleep narrowly in narrow beds
    Alone, or even alone with someone
    And they rue the days gone past
    And they rue the days to come

    Yet tomorrow, just like today and yesterday they
    Pay their penny for a chance in heaven
    Pull the handle of the cosmos machine
    Play the wheel's spin to the universe
    To have a chance of no tears
    To have a chance of love
    And how funny it all is
    If it weren't all so sad




    Submitted on 2009-05-29 02:54:36     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Great presentation, elaborating and repeating this thought really adds to the introduction, grabs attention, allows it to linger, and consider what it on the table.

    In the second stanza you are consistent with the structure, with some flavor, it isn't so symmetric it is still lingered thought, asking things more than one way, but it is not so literally repetitive, which I think makes this STRONG...Those who sleep narrowly in narrow beds, I love that line, reminds me of the narrow path, from scripture, in association with loneliness, and you mention those who are alone with someone, which again, reminds me of that spiritual walk. In relationship but still so alone at the same time.

    With the moon to admit it. Nature speaks.

    The last stanza ends a little abruptly, which makes this piece seem tired, feeling and displaying attentiveness to the first to thoughts, but wrapping it up with disatifaction, which the piece literally concludes in irony.

    Very well done.
    | Posted on 2011-09-29 00:00:00 | by lori_tab | [ Reply to This ]
      Overall the message of the write is powerful and somewhat overwhelming.
    I had a bit of trouble reading through it without wanting to paraphrase it, the repeation just seemed to take away from the flow.

    ~KimbreRain
    | Posted on 2011-03-23 00:00:00 | by Rain | [ Reply to This ]
      I never buy lottery tickets so maybe I'll never be destined to win? Most likely not but it's a journey, and I am grateful for what and who I have around me already. Perhaps that's the trick? Or maybe I'm delusional. This was both strangely comforting and melancholic to read.
    | Posted on 2010-01-01 00:00:00 | by trinityfinger | [ Reply to This ]
      This poem started out giving the impression that it was going to be simple. I like that it was misleading in that way. I found the emotions that it evoked to be quite complex.

    For instance I loved the stanza that included the line:

    Those who sleep narrowly in narrow beds

    I like the image it conjures of a person pulled up inside their own sorrow and misery.

    The whole piece says over and over again what it so simply states in the beginning, but with each verse it forces the reader to delve deeper into the irony of the idea of life being a lottery wherein the winners somehow are awarded the greatest amount of happiness. It compels the reader to face what so many of us just can't seem to accept: everyday is not going to be all sunshine, love and happiness.

    And as you so aptly put it:

    And how funny it all is
    If it weren’t all so sad

    I guess that my only suggestion for improvement would be that you keep the metaphor of the weather going. If it were me, I'd take out the bit about paying a penny for a chance at heaven and add something about paying for rays of sunshine or the chance to ride on rainbow to a pot of golden glee.

    Anyway, nice write.

    -Jane
    | Posted on 2009-12-13 00:00:00 | by JanePlane | [ Reply to This ]
      Honestly, if I hadn't gotten this feeling that I should click on your username, I would never have come across this work of yours. And I'm very glad I did. :) I almost passed it up, but I went back to your name.

    (I know you're not looking for first impressions, but "unbiased review. Can't help it much).

    "Each day the clouds sob great tears,
    They fall on some, some of the time
    They fall on others, other times.
    It seems they must fall on everyone sometime"

    My first impression was that this poem was going to be monotonous and unoriginal. I know it's mean to say, but it's honest. Honesty is okay, though, right?

    "What are the chances they will never fall on someone?
    What are the chances they will always fall on someone?
    Who wins the lottery of happiness?
    Who loses?"

    This bit really does make me step back and kinda wonder. They seem like pointless questions b/c you're talking about the chances of the tears of clouds falling on someone--but they do make me wonder anyway....Then you bring in the lottery, and, at first, I wasn't sure where that thought came from so it threw me off. But then you continued with it, which I give you props for doing so.

    "At night the sad moon mopes in a dark sky
    Looking down on the lonely souls below
    Those who have not won life’s lottery
    Those who speak without being heard
    Those who sleep narrowly in narrow beds
    Alone, or even alone with someone
    And they rue the days gone past
    And they rue the days to come"

    I like the moping moon, but the "lonely souls below" seems clichéd as well as "Those who speak without being heard." "Those who sleep narrowly in narrow bed." Now THAT was a good part. Never thought of sleeping narrowly. It's different. Different is good!

    "Yet tomorrow, just like today and yesterday they
    Pay their penny for a chance in heaven
    Pull the handle of the cosmos machine
    Play the wheel’s spin to the universe
    To have a chance of no tears
    To have a chance of love
    And how funny it all is
    If it weren’t all so sad"

    This is just so...fitting! You incorporated the lottery machine and the universe, mixing them to give a good idea of what you mean and relating back to the lottery you mentioned earlier. And it ends perfectly, leaving the reader sad, yet able to relate. I just love this: "Pull the handle of the cosmos machine/Play the wheel’s spin to the universe." I envy you that I didn't have this idea.

    -mo-
    | Posted on 2009-08-26 00:00:00 | by mojymo | [ Reply to This ]
      I absolutely love this. I probably wouldn't even get it if I hadn't already spent so much emotional currency on lottery tickets.
    | Posted on 2009-05-30 00:00:00 | by overthinker | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    174931

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    Night- time written by Daniel Barlow
    A Sense Of Things written by Daniel Barlow
    The World written by jjd
    Starseed written by endlessgame23
    When Sirens Whisper written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Live In Between written by teika5
    Not the Devil, but the Wind written by endlessgame23
    Lie back & tan written by Daniel Barlow
    Lost Inside the Race written by ForgottenGraves
    Relentless. The Visceral Fracture. written by Daniel Barlow
    Day 6 written by TheStillSilence
    The Curtain Call written by faideddarkness
    Florida's Autumn Solstice written by closetpoet
    going,,,"Skin." written by teika5
    Whispered written by endlessgame23
    Gaia written by endlessgame23
    (Untitled Song) written by TeslaKoyal
    Untitled written by Daniel Barlow
    Snippet written by Daniel Barlow
    // Seasonal Song written by ShadowParadox
    Twin Intercept written by Daniel Barlow
    The Human Harmonic written by Daniel Barlow
    Beauty Rest written by jackz
    Adoration written by TheStillSilence
    Coversheets written by TheStillSilence
    Mystery Read written by kyserin
    Loop-di-Loop written by endlessgame23
    A Thousand Reflections written by endlessgame23
    Day 5 written by TheStillSilence
    Things They (Don't) Say written by TheStillSilence

    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry