He went around no certain hour
the harmless beggar drunk
sullen faced and eyes half glazed
we'll have a drink for Davie Dunne
gone, in his vomit choked
He used to knock on the car windows
change some gave or gave him hidings
I saw him crawl across the open road
but no one ever came
Please God hes better off, dead
the last call for Davie Dunne
drunk in a paupers grave
You said to leave a comment as I would anyone else, so here goes:
Paupers and hes need an apostrophe.
There were a couple of parts that were "off-putting" if only because they halted unexpectedly . . . these lines were:
gone, in his vomit choked
change some gave or gave him hidings
Please God hes better off, dead
The poem starts with a "flow" but suddenly changes with the "gone" line. Whether this is because of line breaks or a shaky grip on this poem's rhythm, I cannot say, but if you were going for the drunken feel, it can come across more strongly (yet effortlessly) than this. You can consider it a drunken dance of sorts and challenge yourself to make this poem sound drunk, without going overboard, or making it seem like it's trying too hard, or any other pitfalls that go with such a challenge.
Second line I copied was awkward because of its phrasing. "Change some gave" and the twist-around "gave him hidings" don't sound well together.
Third line: The comma that sets apart dead is abrupt. While this subject matter obviously does not call for grace or finesse, it does call for getting in the mind of Davie Dunne, so much so that it comes off as believable, sad, and perhaps with a small trace of dark humor?
Alcohol is a [censored].
Revision, of course, is up to you. All I'm going to say is that there is an improvement of your craft, and it hasn't gone unnoticed to my eyes. If you work at this and come from a place of love for the art, you will grow. Your growth is already visible. I apologize for nit-picking, but something tells me you would rather have honesty than mindless praise or destructive bashing.
Alia
| Posted on 2009-06-15 00:00:00 | by O | [ Reply to This ]
I probably didn't ask you to shorten this did i?
I hope not, the original was better, it had more, not everything, but maybe there's art in not laying it all out there....
anyway, now I've spun you in a circle, I liked the original better.
i like this but i wish there was more...i kinda was left feeling like...hmmm, what happens next...or whats really goin on...i think i get the concept but a part 2 seems to be in order... :) nice write, word choice and the over all structure is awesome...a pleasure...like me...lol... :D
Submission Name: Davie Dunne
