Waster by Raphael

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Submission Name: Waster dots

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Author:	Raphael
ASL Info:	20/Masculine/Eire
Elite Ratio:	8 - 652/306/135
Words:	200

Class/Type:	Poetry/Serious
Total Views:	126
Average Vote:	3.0000
Bytes:	1247

Description:
this might be a bit rough

Waster

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you were a sucker for the buzz words
stout heart, slaving away for that old man
earn your stripes, honesty, whatever
spitting spite all over your face
he bent you over
straight and narrow

now I should knuckle down?

true as that may be
and well that may be true
pull up your dry socks
because when you tell me how it was for you
at fifteen
you do behave like a jealous fifteen year old

find yourself
there must be other mouths to feed
with that stiff upper lip, and your hand-outs
trifles I scarcely need
keep them then

or have you a mind for making me bleed?

you and I, grafting
our malcontent shoulders to the wheel
what a pair we could make

so miserable,
but I don't have to get up
for work in the morning

I've set my sights on the key-keeper
dead set, dead set and yet...

I think you are wise to live in the stubborn sog of the earth,
to at least make a friend of hardship
while night after night
I pitch my tent on a lonely plateau, waiting

Submitted on 2009-06-05 19:48:27 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  I keep coming back and reading this (not commenting before, sorry), reading it again, it's...arresting.

I saw it before and after you added the line breaks in stanzas 6and 7, it definitely looks and feels better with them.

One of my favourite things about this write is the questions you've asked, I like the venom in them. They add to the anger in this piece.

'you were a sucker for the buzz words' packs a powerful punch for the opening, it's strong and mean, hateful, even pitying, in a way. The alliteration of s's and t's makes the sonics in the first stanza harsh, it sounds and reads like spitting. The offhand 'whatever' adds to this, too. I think this stanza is my favourite.

'I've set my sights on the key-keeper
dead set, dead set and yet...'- do you mean you're aiming higher now? The key-keeper sounds important. This line set me off wondering...

'because when you tell me how it was for you
at fifteen
you do behave like a jealous fifteen year old' Someone reliving their glory years? This makes me think of a cheerleader, or some such ubercool teenager, popular and stuff, but burned out by 18, nothing to look forward to, just those few years behind her when she thought she had it made. Jealous of herself?

I also liked 'pull up your dry socks'- I don't know if that's a colloquialism where you are, but I've never heard the phrase before so it kind of stopped me in my tracks. Dry socks made me think, oh maybe she hasn't had it bad, she just thinks she's had it bad. Her socks aren't even wet. Ha.

The turnaround in the final stanza, of tone and thought, it was good to not leave this angry, it felt like it settled down to that end.
'stubborn sog of the earth' is a stunning and memorable phrase, kudos :) Also, lonely plateau felt really good to say, do you know what I mean? And it left me with this sense of waiting, for the key-keeper perhaps?

Anyway, I like how you tell a story with your work. I think this is tightly written, compelling, rousing. So I'm gonna fave it :)

Thanks for a good read

Aly

| Posted on 2009-09-30 00:00:00 | by AlyRose | [ Reply to This ]

There is a vast improvement in your latest work compared to what I saw previously. I don't have time for proper reviews, but leaving a note to let you know I will be back to peruse your posts and offer a thought a two.

This shows care for the craft. Good for you.

Alia
| Posted on 2009-06-08 00:00:00 | by O | [ Reply to This ]
  Sometimes I think there's a bit of a no-man's land between poetry and prose that is just waiting to be discovered.

I've been reading through some of your writing -- y'know trying to get a 'feel' for your style -- and from what I've gathered, you have a straightforward way. In a sense it pays homage to the original function of language (as a means of communication and passing of information) and literature (to tell a story). Your word usage is very intelligent and complex, but the delivery/phrasing is seemingly simple. It is prose and poetry both, sometimes one more than the other. Obviously, this is just a sort of general review that I probably am not quite suited to make but anyway...

This has a bite to it. Whoever it is intended for (if anyone), I think it might cause a little pain. What I said above holds true to this. I do wonder about this section here though:

you and I, grafting our malcontent shoulders to the wheel, what a pair we could make

so miserable, but I don't have to get up for work in the morning

--I think they need line breaks like the rest of your poem. No?

you and I, grafting
our malcontent shoulders to the wheel,
what a pair we could make

so miserable,
but I don't have to get up
for work in the morning

Or something. Whatever. The full sentences just threw me off. Otherwise, this packs a lot of personality and maintains itself well.
| Posted on 2009-06-07 00:00:00 | by Lady of Shalott | [ Reply to This ]
  Excellent Craig. Strung together really nicely and explores the conflict well. I would like to have written it. I don't think you missed a beat. The words speak, so I won't.

I guess maybe 75 faves is the max. This is a fave for me.
| Posted on 2009-06-05 00:00:00 | by Daniel Barlow | [ Reply to This ]

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