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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: two years later.dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: freeradical
    ASL Info:    22/feline/london
    Elite Ratio:    5.26 - 311/405/63
    Words: 118
    Class/Type: Poetry/Satire
    Total Views: 733
    Average Vote:    3.5000
    Bytes: 833



    Description:
       yeah.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotstwo years later.dots
    -------------------------------------------


    i have become a brute.

    a beast who no longer cares enough
    to hurt enough
    to write enough
    to get any good at it.

    i used to live
    to have my brains screwed out.
    my body, used.
    my heart absolutely obliterated.

    i would stay up the entire night
    to spend the morning in the local cafe
    with the hollows under my eyes
    that declared
    a true artiste.

    i would obsess over a word
    become a slave to expressing
    eloquent pain
    and wait for praise,
    starve for praise.

    and every so often
    a pang.
    possibly regret
    more likely heartburn
    because i'm eating
    again.

    and now that i'm happy?

    i'm miserable.




    Submitted on 2009-06-05 22:16:37     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      I like it, its not what I would call word perfect as it runs out of steam a little in the end. But I like how you put things, your writing can be very strong in certain areas, but you seemed unsure when you came to the ending. For me it seemed a little tacked on, but I may be wrong.

    One or two stanzas though, theres no BS, you go for the jugular and it pays off.

    "i used to live
    to have my brains screwed out.
    my body, used.
    my heart absolutely obliterated"

    Saying these kind of things in such a raw and natural way, its fight or flight, you take the chance of flopping over your own feelings, but they turned out rather well in the overall context.

    The unfortunate thing about this is however:

    "and every so often
    a pang.
    possibly regret
    more likely heartburn
    because i'm eating
    again.

    and now that i'm happy?

    i'm miserable."

    If you were to ditch that whole section, this would be a much stronger and more captivating piece of writing, more endearing to the reader afterwards, but you would lose out on whats probably most important for you. So I really dont know which is the best route, perhaps a bit of tweeking?

    The Barlow fella is right, you can obviously write and write well, heck i dont even know if your looking for advice!

    But for me, this poem in particular has both positive and negative qualities which stick out like sore thumbs, in equal measure.

    Good luck with the writing anyway:P

    -Craig




    | Posted on 2009-06-06 00:00:00 | by Raphael | [ Reply to This ]
      You can write, it's pretty obvious.

    The parts where this poem sings are where you are the brute. It loses steam for me in the artful places, and perhaps that's apt, but.....

    Your line breaks and cadence were excellent.

    I'd be surprised if this was a flash in the pan.
    | Posted on 2009-06-05 00:00:00 | by BrokeArtGallery | [ Reply to This ]


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