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Tragic Faggot (work in progress)

Author: LossOfHope03
ASL Info:    16/female/USA
Elite Ratio:    5.76 - 30 /29 /31
Words: 115
Class/Type: Poetry /Depressed
Total Views: 714
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 769


work in progress. kind of a poem i guess. kinda just random lines. comments welcome.

Tragic Faggot (work in progress)

Purple lines meet my gaze
I want to throw up again.
Touch things with my hands
Put me in a room
Tie me to a chair
I'm alone again.
Face blows smoke
Full of shit
Spill out your open hole.
Bring me down
Push me around
I want you by the pound.
Dance like a monkey
Stand on a chair
I'm at home again.
Stupidity prevails.
I pull out my hair
Insanity begins
Deepest sin.

Flip the tape.
B-side now
Shit keeps spilling out.
Tried to kick the habit
Everyone was such a faggot.
No one's high. Everyone's gay.
I guess its time for me to say
Fuck you and have a nice day.

Submitted on 2009-06-05 22:18:11     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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  I pull out my hair
Insanity begins
Deepest sin.

These last lines kind of ruin the animosity and the apathy of the piece. I say keep it rebellious, without the regretful feeling of these lines (well, mainly the "deepest sin" part. I think the poem would still feel angry with the first two lines quote above).

The rest is wonderful. I really like your attitude in here. It actually reads itself. That's a strange way to put it, but what I mean is that it has its own personality and your writing conveys this wonderfully.

The images of torture, the high of fear, and the adrenaline rush of the anger is very gratifying. It feels like a real release. The aggression is definitely there. I usually don't like emotionally driven expressions in poetry, like very raw, unedited works, but this is an exception. There was still a control-uncontrolled feeling to it. Very good.
| Posted on 2009-06-07 00:00:00 | by JenFlynn | [ Reply to This ]

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