for every goodbye by nansofast

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Submission Name: for every goodbye dots

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Author:	nansofast
Elite Ratio:	5.7 - 2326/2090/266
Words:	121

Class/Type:	Poetry/Longing
Total Views:	107
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	824

Description:
just a journal, it's time I submitted something

all thoughts and help are welcome

for every goodbye dots

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yes, I admit
I wanted to take you
to the core of your soul
I was there and saw you
shining, as though you had
forgotten any need
for just a moment

the moon gave us
a moment of sheer clarity
that echoed:
we had noticed the ocean
for the first time

sad news
I don't believe we can think
ourselves into happiness
or gain one morsel
by remembering
what we don't have

Love was not finished with us.
everyone reworks their own clay
as needed
and I, like the fool
make mine to comfortable
at times

you see, there isn't any use
mermaid that I am
I swim in the oceans
of love's beating heart

Submitted on 2009-06-07 14:05:49 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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1: >_<
2: I dunno...
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||| Comments |||

yes, I admit
I wanted to take you
to the core of your soul
I was there and saw you
shining, as though you had
forgotten any need
for just a moment

i love the opening stanza, nan.
it breaths passion, mystery and intrigue.
ive been in relationships in the past where ive
the particular ladies that i see into their soul, as it were,
and they are lovely beyond description.
often ppl will see us as we really are...

overall ive love reading this eloquent and powerful
piece. great job, nan!
| Posted on 2009-06-21 00:00:00 | by rev.jpfadeproof | [ Reply to This ]

sad news
I don't believe we can think
ourselves into happiness
or gain one morsel
by remembering
what we don't have

Sometimes the hardest thing to write is the plain truth, and that bit there is a shining example. It's exceptionally said, Nan. As is the rest. It contains a earthy yet ethereal quality you capture better than anyone I know 'round here. It makes for a deeply satisfying read, even when the subject matter is of longing. I suppose it's because it touches. And the first stanza! I feel the need to mention that one, too. It immediately takes hold. It's a beautiful way of wanting to shake someone awake so that they can see what you see in them. Don't we all wish our loved ones could look through our eyes at some point?

I do think your final stanza could use a little more work. I love that you consider yourself a mermaid. My grandfather claimed true poets are able to hear mermaids singing. So I think the idea is there, the execution is just a little off. Don't really have a more specific offering.

It's quiet around here. I hope you post again soon.
| Posted on 2009-06-12 00:00:00 | by Lady of Shalott | [ Reply to This ]
  the current of love
swam on a page
that resembled a map
or a masterful stage
where little worms grew
and gazed on their kin
who had just formed frail wings
that caressed the south wind...
| Posted on 2009-06-08 00:00:00 | by rws | [ Reply to This ]
  Too comfortable i believe you meant

Other than that I'll just revel in the feeling your poem have set alight in my heart and swim along side you where neither of us exist. I love reworking my own clay lol.

Kate xx
| Posted on 2009-06-07 00:00:00 | by elephantasia | [ Reply to This ]

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