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    dots Submission Name: for every goodbyedots

    Author: nansofast
    Elite Ratio:    5.7 - 2351/2103/268
    Words: 121
    Class/Type: Poetry/Longing
    Total Views: 1248
    Average Vote:    5.0000
    Bytes: 824

       just a journal, it's time I submitted something

    all thoughts and help are welcome

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsfor every goodbyedots

    yes, I admit
    I wanted to take you
    to the core of your soul
    I was there and saw you
    shining, as though you had
    forgotten any need
    for just a moment

    the moon gave us
    a moment of sheer clarity
    that echoed:
    we had noticed the ocean
    for the first time

    sad news
    I don't believe we can think
    ourselves into happiness
    or gain one morsel
    by remembering
    what we don't have

    Love was not finished with us.
    everyone reworks their own clay
    as needed
    and I, like the fool
    make mine to comfortable
    at times

    you see, there isn't any use
    mermaid that I am
    I swim in the oceans
    of love's beating heart

    Submitted on 2009-06-07 14:05:49     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      I like how you conceived this poem to say the last word about a love which was not fulfilled or which didn't last.
    Love was not finished with us.------- such an intriguing metaphor!

    Also - the last stanza stays in my heart, such a way with words you have, my dear. It was a poem without any negative feeling yet it speaks of unfulfilled love, it needs great strength to write like this.

    | Posted on 2010-06-06 00:00:00 | by IvanaIvana | [ Reply to This ]
      i love the beginning, the middle and the end of this!
    and i am relating to the sadness and the longing and the brutal frankness here. this beautifully crafted piece is particularly poignant for me since you refer to all the oceanic metaphors , for which i have a real sense of understanding. (i find this often too with jase. he has a natural feel of the sea which never fails to sweep me off into the deep) funnily enough, my daughter and i have just been for two spectacular dives in the turquoise sea off cozumel. we are back in the apartment just in time, as the weather has developed into a fierce storm and the sea has turned wild. we are warm and all cuddly now. looking out from our balcony. that plus a few mugs of hot mulled wine has left me feeling a little emotional.... but
    this writing of yours had touched my heart earlier... now i am ready to fully appreciate the effect of it .
    it is beautiful
    as are you .
    | Posted on 2009-12-21 00:00:00 | by Alter idem | [ Reply to This ]
    yes, I admit
    I wanted to take you
    to the core of your soul
    I was there and saw you
    shining, as though you had
    forgotten any need
    for just a moment

    i love the opening stanza, nan.
    it breaths passion, mystery and intrigue.
    ive been in relationships in the past where ive
    the particular ladies that i see into their soul, as it were,
    and they are lovely beyond description.
    often ppl will see us as we really are...

    overall ive love reading this eloquent and powerful
    piece. great job, nan!
    | Posted on 2009-06-21 00:00:00 | by rev.jpfadeproof | [ Reply to This ]
    sad news
    I don't believe we can think
    ourselves into happiness
    or gain one morsel
    by remembering
    what we don't have

    Sometimes the hardest thing to write is the plain truth, and that bit there is a shining example. It's exceptionally said, Nan. As is the rest. It contains a earthy yet ethereal quality you capture better than anyone I know 'round here. It makes for a deeply satisfying read, even when the subject matter is of longing. I suppose it's because it touches. And the first stanza! I feel the need to mention that one, too. It immediately takes hold. It's a beautiful way of wanting to shake someone awake so that they can see what you see in them. Don't we all wish our loved ones could look through our eyes at some point?

    I do think your final stanza could use a little more work. I love that you consider yourself a mermaid. My grandfather claimed true poets are able to hear mermaids singing. So I think the idea is there, the execution is just a little off. Don't really have a more specific offering.

    It's quiet around here. I hope you post again soon.
    | Posted on 2009-06-12 00:00:00 | by Lady of Shalott | [ Reply to This ]
      the current of love
    swam on a page
    that resembled a map
    or a masterful stage
    where little worms grew
    and gazed on their kin
    who had just formed frail wings
    that caressed the south wind...
    | Posted on 2009-06-08 00:00:00 | by rws | [ Reply to This ]
      Too comfortable i believe you meant

    Other than that I'll just revel in the feeling your poem have set alight in my heart and swim along side you where neither of us exist. I love reworking my own clay lol.

    Kate xx
    | Posted on 2009-06-07 00:00:00 | by elephantasia | [ Reply to This ]

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