Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Of Broken Dreamsdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Mithrandir
    ASL Info:    28/m/N.Y.
    Elite Ratio:    4.62 - 452/681/113
    Words: 85
    Class/Type: Poetry/Serious
    Total Views: 802
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 619



    Description:
       i think it is better to be broken, instead of ever whole. It's how we appreaciate this world and what it has to offer. I am looking for the immeadiate feeling you get in your gut when you read this piece , even if that reaction is only "wow what a piece of shit this guy wrote!" don't hold back and don't fear being negative, I welcome all thought's long or short.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsOf Broken Dreamsdots
    -------------------------------------------


    @@c-A man of broken dreams
    he steady's his fist.
    To write to you
    of all the htoughts he's had.

    Please don't just say you'll listen,
    your the only good dream he has.

    I've known this man,
    his fears of sleep.
    Cried for his sin's
    knowing all to well

    not every terror
    happens in dreams

    A man of broken dreams,
    he steady's his fist,
    don't just say you'll listen
    he's writing for you...

    Your the only good dream I have...@@




    Submitted on 2009-06-07 22:04:18     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      this isnt the strongest piece ive seen from you but im so excited to have you back and you have to restart your words somewhere right?

    the part of the piece that jumps out and grabs me is


    not every terror
    happens in dreams


    perhaps because i know the truth that this line contains
    perhaps because there are many terrors i wish were contained within dreams rather than finding their foundation in the fibre of reality

    it is a very powerful line for me.

    i do think you have repeated yourself a bit within such a short piece and i think you could slice out some of the repition or reword it in such a way that it repeats without repeating perhaps? if that is at all possible lol.

    maybe if you fleshed the piece out some the repetition wouldnt be as obvious...? perhaps you could add some kind of allusion to broken or how it came to be? or the dream or the waking process...
    | Posted on 2009-06-12 00:00:00 | by Someones Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]
      I think you are rusty, because when you write you should be able to intuit which are hook lines and edit them in accordingly, the idea here is good, I agree with it 100%. The poem repeats itself too much and says too little about anything. It's not good. It needs more room so that when you do return to those good lines, it allows them to earn their keep.

    But you are back, and better remain so, otherwise I will be roundly booed!

    Daniel
    | Posted on 2009-06-07 00:00:00 | by BrokeArtGallery | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    175224

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    Bee Keeper written by endlessgame23
    Fathoms of the Lullaby Sea written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Unfortunate Reality written by TeslaKoyal
    Devils in the Details written by endlessgame23
    To Glow written by krs3332003
    Bond written by saartha
    Once Again written by krs3332003
    Life changes in a moment written by Ramneet
    Wish written by Daniel Barlow
    Hollow Points written by RequiemOfDreams
    Wavelength written by saartha
    A Sonnet for Nina written by SavedDragon
    Red Barn written by rev.jpfadeproof
    May 31 2018 written by Chelebel
    4th Season of Vivaldi written by HisNameIsNoMore
    One Thing written by Wolfwatching
    Incubus written by monad
    Date night written by expiring_touch
    Push written by JanePlane
    Summer Nights written by ollie_wicked
    Munyonyo written by expiring_touch
    new moon written by CrypticBard
    cleverly shunned written by CrypticBard
    To the King written by HisNameIsNoMore
    I will call out your name written by RisingSon
    Ten Poems written by Wolfwatching
    You Make Me speechless written by elephantasia
    Our Cinder Crisis written by SavedDragon
    Cage written by distortedcloud
    Song written by Daniel Barlow

    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry