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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Of Broken Dreamsdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Mithrandir
    ASL Info:    28/m/N.Y.
    Elite Ratio:    4.62 - 452/681/113
    Words: 85
    Class/Type: Poetry/Serious
    Total Views: 766
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 619



    Description:
       i think it is better to be broken, instead of ever whole. It's how we appreaciate this world and what it has to offer. I am looking for the immeadiate feeling you get in your gut when you read this piece , even if that reaction is only "wow what a piece of shit this guy wrote!" don't hold back and don't fear being negative, I welcome all thought's long or short.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsOf Broken Dreamsdots
    -------------------------------------------


    @@c-A man of broken dreams
    he steady's his fist.
    To write to you
    of all the htoughts he's had.

    Please don't just say you'll listen,
    your the only good dream he has.

    I've known this man,
    his fears of sleep.
    Cried for his sin's
    knowing all to well

    not every terror
    happens in dreams

    A man of broken dreams,
    he steady's his fist,
    don't just say you'll listen
    he's writing for you...

    Your the only good dream I have...@@




    Submitted on 2009-06-07 22:04:18     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      this isnt the strongest piece ive seen from you but im so excited to have you back and you have to restart your words somewhere right?

    the part of the piece that jumps out and grabs me is


    not every terror
    happens in dreams


    perhaps because i know the truth that this line contains
    perhaps because there are many terrors i wish were contained within dreams rather than finding their foundation in the fibre of reality

    it is a very powerful line for me.

    i do think you have repeated yourself a bit within such a short piece and i think you could slice out some of the repition or reword it in such a way that it repeats without repeating perhaps? if that is at all possible lol.

    maybe if you fleshed the piece out some the repetition wouldnt be as obvious...? perhaps you could add some kind of allusion to broken or how it came to be? or the dream or the waking process...
    | Posted on 2009-06-12 00:00:00 | by Someones Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]
      I think you are rusty, because when you write you should be able to intuit which are hook lines and edit them in accordingly, the idea here is good, I agree with it 100%. The poem repeats itself too much and says too little about anything. It's not good. It needs more room so that when you do return to those good lines, it allows them to earn their keep.

    But you are back, and better remain so, otherwise I will be roundly booed!

    Daniel
    | Posted on 2009-06-07 00:00:00 | by BrokeArtGallery | [ Reply to This ]


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