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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Safe Havendots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: jackz
    ASL Info:    24/F/OH
    Elite Ratio:    3.76 - 591/622/378
    Words: 270
    Class/Type: Fanfic/Serious
    Total Views: 713
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1804



    Description:
       I was listening to my teacher lecture in Family Living.... about an emotionally stable family and one that is not. My thoughts all throughout the class was.. "Who the hell are you to stand up there and act as if everyone has someone there... that no matter what your parents love you.." She doesn't know my life .. she doesn't know anyone's life but her own!


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsSafe Havendots
    -------------------------------------------


    There's still those people
    Who speak of honesty and trust
    They mention values in a family
    how our families show us right from wrong.
    Yet my family is not like this...
    I only have learned the difference
    between right and wrong.
    By my parents obvious wrong doing's.

    Social Needs:
    Values
    Sense of right and wrong

    Physical Needs:
    Food
    Clothing
    Shelter

    Psychological Needs:
    Safe Haven

    For I have lost myself
    I have grown cold and numb
    By my nonexistent safe haven
    It was shattered at the young age of 12
    When in all reality
    This safe haven
    should have been growing

    Yet this man who brought himself into this world of mine
    Stole the only chance to a "Safe Haven"
    took it all away by the choices he made

    For he has stopped.
    Yet the pain still lingers on
    Settles in my heart
    Into the depths of my soul

    And through these eyes you can see
    Walk in the house there he is
    Asleep in my room he walks in

    sigh...
    The pain
    So strong
    Too deep to describe
    father figure he should have been

    Begin "Damage Control" on this heart of mine
    That my father had left so broken and numb
    This man did not do such a thing

    Simply showed me how much you cannot
    CANNOT trust those who seem worthy.

    For I have no chance
    To have a Safe Haven
    I have no chance to a free and open spirit
    To a soul without the pain that lingers within
    I have lost so much
    by another's actions.




    Submitted on 2009-06-11 01:35:48     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Well aren’t you two the little psychotherapists:
    “you should pitty the people who cause pain in your life because they are only doing it because they hurt so bad themselves.”
    I guess we all have to believe something like that – but really, it does not make sense to conclude things like that. I know that when I was a child, I stole toys from other children when we played, not because I was hurting inside – I just wanted the toys for myself. Yes, I were selfish and had no regards for how other people thought. Those children exists and so do adults like that.
    Well anywho…

    Looking at the text (nitpicking are marked with []in the text):


    There'[re] still those people
    [w]ho speak of honesty and trust[.]
    They mention values in a family
    how our families show us right from wrong.
    Yet my family is not like this...
    I only have learned the difference
    between right and wrong[,]
    [b]y my parents obvious wrong doing[s].

    [The I in the text talks about ‘parents’ but in fact we only hear about a father, which essentially boils the whole family down to a father figure. It seems like the I are looking one-eyed on the whole concept of family, which is exactly what the I are accusing ‘those people’ of. This puts the I in the same category as ‘those people’. I do not believe this is intentional, so you might want to work on that.]


    Social Needs:
    Values
    Sense of right and wrong

    Physical Needs:
    Food
    Clothing
    Shelter

    Psychological Needs:
    Emotional Safe Haven... [consider removing the … it just seems a bit much.]

    [The role of the family here portrayed, is very definitive and closed. Never a good idea. Try opening it up and give it a bit more nuance. Again it points back at the I as someone a bit banal and living in a black/white world.]



    For I have lost myself[.]
    I have grown cold and numb

    [Cliché]

    When these people begin to speak in terms of family

    [The punctuation messes up meaning here. Is ‘growing cold and numb’ a result of ‘these people speaking’? It does not make any sense, to be reacting like that. If it is the I ‘growing cold and numb’ as a result of ‘loosing myself’? If it is the latter – which makes more sense – then the line: “When these people begin to speak in terms of family” ends in an open ended question, which just hangs there and makes little sense to pose. Also then you need to revise the punctuation.]

    My emotional safe haven
    [i]s nonexistent[.]
    It was shattered at the young age of 12
    [w]hen in all reality
    [m]y safe haven
    should have been growing[.]

    [“when in reality my… growing.” You post this as a statement made by the who? The author? The I? or ‘those people’?
    In the context it is the ‘I’ who poses this claim, but the ‘I’ are turning away from all that ‘those people’ says, which makes the remark absurd, as it confirms ‘those peoples’ view on family. In any case it is definitely not something the I can say should be the reality!
    Also try to be consistent: Either change ‘Safe Haven’ in “Psychological Needs: / Emotional Safe Haven” or in “my safe haven”. Should safe have be capitalized?]


    Yet this man who brought himself into my life[.]
    Stole my only chance to a "safe haven" [again: S/safe H/haven]
    [took it all away by the choices he made.]
    took it all way by the choices he has made
    Although these choices are no longer an issue

    [Also, the I again accepts the definition of the family, which was dismissed as a premise in the early part of the text.
    Further: “no longer an issue” – well that’s a given. The whole text is about the effects of a childhood trauma – and now all of a sudden, those actions are no longer an issue!!???! They ARE the issue!
    If you by any chance meant that the choices made by the man in present time, I would advise you to change the tempus of the previous stanza.]


    For he has stopped[.]
    The pain still lingers on..
    Still settles in my heart...
    Into the depths of my soul...

    And through [these] eyes you can see..
    Walk in the house there he is..
    Asleep in my room he walks in..

    [Cliché and watch the grammar and the meaningless overuse of ‘…’.]



    sigh... [oh dear]
    The pain
    So strong
    Too deep to describe
    father figure he should have been

    [“the pain to deep to describe” – well if you cannot, then you might think again, writing about it at all.]



    Begin[ ]"Damage Control" on this hart of mine
    [t]hat my Father had left so broken and numb
    This man did not do such thing..

    [Why do you suddenly capitalize the ‘father’ – it is the I’s father not the Father in Heaven. The use of ‘damage control’ is a style break – not very eloquent at all. It seems very much out of place – given that you try to write with a lot of pathos.]


    Simply showed me how much you simply cannot....
    CANNOT trust those who seem worthy[.]

    [Very SIMPLE. Sorry but the wording is funny, as it actually makes what the I conveys as ‘simple’ a bit more complicated.]


    For I have no chance..
    To have a Safe Haven..
    I have no chance to a free open spirit..
    To a soul without the pain that lingers within..
    I have lost so much
    [b]y another's actions[.]

    [Here you introduce a link between a ‘free open spirit’ and the ‘S/safe H/haven’, which you have no grounds for. There are no statements or arguments in the text that justify this link. It could be to do with your very narrow definition of what a family should provide (what ‘those people’ say) earlier in the text. You could open this up a bit, and link a free spirit to this.]

    I am really not sure this can ever become a poem, but I have been proven wrong in numerous occasions, and truly hope you will do the same.
    Your major weaknesses are in controlling a topic throughout a text. It seems like you cannot see the inner connections between the lines and how they interact with each other. This makes for confusion and incoherence. Also, consistency in all aspects is needed.

    Well, happy writing
    -tZar

    | Posted on 2009-06-23 00:00:00 | by tZar | [ Reply to This ]
      i agree. to make peace with this situation you need to forgive your so called father. you should pitty the people who cause pain in your life because they are only doing it because they hurt so bad themselves. it doesnt make anything he did to right. but forgiving him will most definaley make you feel better. i promise. holding on to all this pain makes life so much harder. you cant change what he did but you can make sure that when you have children that this never happens to them and you never let it happen to you again. pitty him for he suffers and cant help himself. doesnt mean you have to like him or have him in your life. forgive and grow from your horrible experiences. like you said...what doesnt kill you simply makes you stronger. i know you are strong enough to forgive. forgiveness brings peace.
    | Posted on 2009-06-12 00:00:00 | by joezwells | [ Reply to This ]
      How do you make peace with that?

    I feel like it is necessary to forgive.

    For the same reason that your home should have been your safe haven, perhaps it is beneficial to somehow find a way to forgive.

    But I do understand there are situations where people say the actions were completely unforgivable.

    Maybe I'm confused or naive...but I am still trying to love people who have inflicted pain
    | Posted on 2009-06-12 00:00:00 | by nolram | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



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