Fodadea II: Flawed by Shadowstar13

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Submission Name: Fodadea II: Flawed dots

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Author:	Shadowstar13
Elite Ratio:	5.26 - 174/141/104
Words:	233

Class/Type:	Poetry/
Total Views:	54
Average Vote:	1.0000
Bytes:	1750

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Fodadea II: Flawed dots

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Even those held up unflawed
Bare unsmoothened scars beneath
But lions never live declawed
Pen to dagger; just unsheath

Some among the broken stand
Glinting like an unspent fire
Or lay there, shattered in the sand
Attracting ill fortune and fear masquerading as ire

There's no divinity within
Merely a strange ill-colored dream
Disguised not as holiness or sin
Simply there, too real to be a dream

Demons will all pay their due
Saints can't grasp beyond the clouds
Sinners lose once and then they're through
Seraphim find solace in their shrouds

Gods die.
Angels fall.
Demons cry.
Sinners maul.

Yet indeed a beast there is
That ignores the siren call.

Perfect in imperfections
Adorned only by flaws
Immune to life's corrections
Schooled not in "cute" but claws

Misperceptions and rose deceptions
They take mad or quietly
Hideously howling or swiftly drowning in misconceptions
Their ugliness their finest quality

A twisted power, a strange warped grace
Some feral and some with the power inside
Some serene seemingly, some a living mace:
These are the ones Murphy's law defied
These are the ones Murphy's law decried

If perfection a goddess be
They defile her perfectly
Thus the grateful irony

Some twisted on the outside and some merely within
Or a little bit of both
Yet they redeem from perfection's sin:
They are flawed goddess-ghosts.

Submitted on 2009-06-11 05:45:43 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
ok i usually don't do this but i think it might be benficial and it's up to you but i had an idea of a few small changes that seemed to make sense while reading. hopefully ya don't take offense to this, but hopefully it will serve as something usefull.

Even those held up unflawed
Bare unsmoothened scars beneath
But lions never live declawed
Pen to dagger; just unsheath

Some among the broken stand
Glinting like an unspent fire
Or lay there, shattered in the sand
Attracting ill fortune and fear masquerading as ire

There's no divinity within
Merely a strange ill-colored dream(scene) (scene seems to fit the imagery and metaphor equally as repeating dream. seems more attractive given the direct approach to rhyme, having repitition makes it a tad less pleasing audibly, but concidering this poem is to state(which i comletely agree) that we all have flaws it might keep truer to the tone, meh i might have a tendancy to get sucked into paradoxal states though lol.)
Disguised not as holiness or sin
Simply there, too real to be a dream

Demons will all pay their due
Saints can't grasp beyond the clouds
Sinners lose once and then they're through
Seraphim find solace in their shrouds

Gods die.
Angels fall.
Demons cry.
Sinners maul.

(this stanza to me comes off to direct for what it seems to be getting at, that might be me. it's something in the style but it kinda of grays up the syntax in my eyes)
Yet indeed a beast there is
That ignores the siren call.

Perfect in imperfections
Adorned only by flaws
Immune to life's corrections
Schooled not in "cute" but claws

Ok i'm gonna flip around a bit in this next one but i'm gonna explain why just to see if i'm on the right page here.

misconceptions are red rose deceptions;
They take mad or quietly
Hideously howling or swiftly drowning in Misperceptions;
Their ugliness of finest quality

ok so i traded places for conception and perception and this may be my own personal twist added in but ok

i changed the first line because i think that would state a nature to conscience in that a misconception works like a false hope. conception is something perceived inward, the red rose deceptions shows (rose tinted glasses) how things can appear appealing but ultimately lead to something bad. deceiving in that element. then the drowning in misperceptions would be those misunderstandings as they present themselves in society. continuing the deception. still nice how you analyze the situation a propose different perspectives to allow choice.

A twisted power, a strange warped grace
Some feral and some with the power inside
Some serene seemingly, some a living mace:
These are the ones Murphy's law defied
These are the ones Murphy's law decried

If perfection a goddess be
They defile her perfectly
Thus the grateful irony

Some twisted on the outside and some merely within
Or a little bit of both
Yet they redeem from perfection's sin:
They are flawed goddess-ghosts.

this makes me think of how we put celebrities on a pedestal then wack them down with the same hand. that [process or that element was never there so strongly as it is now with the popularity of those star worship shows, but it does give people perspective that we are none without internal struggle. i think society needs that ground. not so sure our way to get it is right, but some of the celebrities, not that i keep track, but i truest that some are good and bad. sorry i'm just rambling now. but an interesting write. it's well within a style and maybe somewhat cliché as a whole...........but still thought compelling and not a mere imbellishment of that style. proposes some interesting thoughts.
| Posted on 2009-06-14 00:00:00 | by cornonthekob | [ Reply to This ]
Right: people in general, I get it.

I think your verseform does not quite suit the type of topic. I wouldn't say this, except that your passionate thought and its directions make a sort of great theme for all of your work - very kind of united - but the need to rhyme is sometimes in the way.

I understand that it's part of how you compose: the rhymes come natuarally, you don't have to struggle for many of them? But say you took one of your pieces and studied it, a long time after composing it, then maybe the rhyming will seem a bit "off" in some places, and a slightly different sort of verse, one depending more on rhythm and hidden rhyme, will suggest itself.

Somebody said all this to me once, and it took a long time before I got it, but it did help me!
| Posted on 2009-06-12 00:00:00 | by Glen Bowman | [ Reply to This ]

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