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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Commercial dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: lori_tab
    ASL Info:    27/f/alabama
    Elite Ratio:    4.33 - 1752/1517/481
    Words: 121
    Class/Type: Poetry/Satire
    Total Views: 552
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 702



    Description:
       Doot doot doot doot.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsCommercial dots
    -------------------------------------------



    This has come up

    A natural inclination toward
    The Canvas covered Wagons
    traveling
    unraveling
    and speeding off
    in a direction unknown
    corners unseen
    shadows above below beyond Behind

    Methodically
    Swimmers
    toddling in rubber floaties
    Bouncing on waves with content
    Happy Waves
    Keystone
    cornered in
    By the balances of four cornered madness
    and pathological despair
    to whisk your wind wooden woven mind window
    black widow

    funeral mask
    overshadows
    foreshadows
    the end




    Submitted on 2009-06-11 20:11:56     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

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    ||| Comments |||
      I get nothing from this.

    The title makes me feel this is an attempt to:
    1. Recreate the feeling of a commercial (doubtful)
    2. Advertise something about the author
    3. Speak on monetary things.

    The part where I find the body meaningless except for a few areas, which feel more like references that I find little use in making, makes it difficult for me to find out if the title has any real connection to the body.

    There are areas of capitalization that may have purpose, but I can not find what that is.

    So, what do I -think- I get (because I know I get nothing overall)?
    (for this I'm counting every separate section as S#, and every line therein as L# of that particular S#, so there will be multiple L1s etc)

    S2
    L2: Canvas, may be an allusion to it's use as something to paint on as well as to the usual western film wagons. I lean toward the wagons, which have no meaning to me personally.

    Why you chose that image specifically and not any other vehicle I do not know. Unless the fact that canvas is capitalized has some meaning, and if so, the meaning is the artist's use of canvas, to me.

    With the rest of the stanza, I just get the image of multiple wagons going off into different directions, clueless. As some people may go their own paths uncertain, some falling apart, some going full on with little thought.

    S3
    Keystone makes me think of The Dark Tower. The only thing that picks up much meaning to me is L9

    The repetition of waves, one after the other seems redundant and annoys me, but perhaps there's a point someone else will point out.

    Again, I can't piece this into anything meaningful. It feels like a lot of words the author just came up with on the spot, liked, threw down, and hoped made some sense. Same for the alliteration, seems more impulsive than meaningful.

    S4
    Funeral mask overshadows the end, I get that the fear of death is more compelling than death.

    Foreshadows the end? Yes, I can see that, but it's obvious, so why tell unless you have a purpose to it? I like the overshadows, I do not like the foreshadows.

    None of it matters if the funeral mask isn't representative of death, the coming of death, or the knowledge/awareness of death.

    Overall
    Perhaps I'm just terribly dense and someone will read this comment and feel it necessary to give you a more intuitive one that I will read later and think, "Oh, well that makes sense now" or , "Bull[censored]ters, every last one".

    I have come to the conclusion that "Commercial" is fitting in the sense that I think commercials in general are just a bunch of tripe thrown together to look like something more than trying to make a sale, and this is like that (from what I know), a bunch of things thrown together to look like something it is not, understandable.
    | Posted on 2009-06-15 00:00:00 | by Sir Jimeth | [ Reply to This ]


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