The Capsule by PO3TiKPO1SON

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Submission Name: The Capsule dots

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Author:	PO3TiKPO1SON
ASL Info:	22/yes,male/El Paso Tx
Elite Ratio:	5.26 - 7/5/3
Words:	153

Class/Type:	Poetry/Longing
Total Views:	1120
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	836

Description:
lets just say that im in the army, and i have lost waay 2 much because of it. (picture is related)

p.s. title of this poem will change as soon as Kryslee makes up her mind..(i asked her 2 give it a title..like..a month ago). :p

The Capsule dots

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Unimaginable and irrational,
only time can topple the obstacle.
An abominable pothole,
no 'oh shit' handle 2 grab hold.

This soldiers soul is past cold,
though his mind is bold..past gold.
Through gravel...he travels...amongst assholes,
beholding hassles...as battles unravel.

His knowlege of living is ample...
with samples and vivid examples.
Haunted by phantoms...of love he abandoned,
at random his heart is dismantled.

He dreams of the Apples he traded for shackles,
the demons he grapples...chuckle and cackle.
He rants and he rambles, canned in a capsule,
in shambles, while another man sleeps in his castle.

-Raziel Flores

Submitted on 2009-06-12 04:25:16 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  Wow so very strong! Good poem. I can almost here the beat in my head.
| Posted on 2009-06-17 00:00:00 | by wolfgurl830 | [ Reply to This ]
  Well, the imagery was quite ineffective, as I didn't quite get the whole picture. Some of the rhymes were questionable. I liked the piece, but I think it could do with a bit of work. It seems as if the soldier has been fighting a while to try to save his love, but in the end it was all useless and he lost. Is that about it, or did I get it completely wrong?
| Posted on 2009-06-13 00:00:00 | by Dreamer5009 | [ Reply to This ]
  The first lines makes me think of when you first joined the army....and I thought to myself....What the Hell????

It seems like this one was focused a lot on rhyme (which I know is one of your favorite things) and I'm just glad that it doesn't feel forced....

I think that the last two stanzas are stronger than the first two....very honest...(at least you can admit that you DID abandon love...)

Of course as soon as I read the last stanza I immediately referenced it to the Bible...even though that's not your style...but it made sense....well, if you think about it as like "apple of my eye..." since that refers to the pupil, which in turn could mean sight...not just literal but metaphorical too. You left your sight, your knowledge, your love behind to become someone's property....haha Idk maybe I'm reaching now....

That ending is just....so sad....
I really loved it though...it was an Oh Shit moment for me ^_^ I not only took it as....a woman being your castle...but just....like...you left your world (or kingdom or whatever) defensless....and now there are other people (or one certain man) that's replaced you....sort of like a filler....

Life went on here...and you're....stuck...in chains and dreaming about your past life... Maybe.
| Posted on 2009-06-12 00:00:00 | by was_i_ever_real | [ Reply to This ]

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Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3 It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
It means a lot to them, as it does to you.