[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav

  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav

    << | >>

    dots Submission Name: The Capsuledots

    Author: PO3TiKPO1SON
    ASL Info:    22/yes,male/El Paso Tx
    Elite Ratio:    5.26 - 7/5/3
    Words: 153
    Class/Type: Poetry/Longing
    Total Views: 785
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 836

       lets just say that im in the army, and i have lost waay 2 much because of it. (picture is related)

    p.s. title of this poem will change as soon as Kryslee makes up her mind..(i asked her 2 give it a title..like..a month ago). :p

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsThe Capsuledots

    Unimaginable and irrational,
    only time can topple the obstacle.
    An abominable pothole,
    no 'oh shit' handle 2 grab hold.

    This soldiers soul is past cold,
    though his mind is bold..past gold.
    Through gravel...he travels...amongst assholes,
    beholding hassles...as battles unravel.

    His knowlege of living is ample...
    with samples and vivid examples.
    Haunted by phantoms...of love he abandoned,
    at random his heart is dismantled.

    He dreams of the Apples he traded for shackles,
    the demons he grapples...chuckle and cackle.
    He rants and he rambles, canned in a capsule,
    in shambles, while another man sleeps in his castle.

    -Raziel Flores

    Submitted on 2009-06-12 04:25:16     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      Wow so very strong! Good poem. I can almost here the beat in my head.
    | Posted on 2009-06-17 00:00:00 | by wolfgurl830 | [ Reply to This ]
      Well, the imagery was quite ineffective, as I didn't quite get the whole picture. Some of the rhymes were questionable. I liked the piece, but I think it could do with a bit of work. It seems as if the soldier has been fighting a while to try to save his love, but in the end it was all useless and he lost. Is that about it, or did I get it completely wrong?
    | Posted on 2009-06-13 00:00:00 | by Dreamer5009 | [ Reply to This ]
      The first lines makes me think of when you first joined the army....and I thought to myself....What the Hell????

    It seems like this one was focused a lot on rhyme (which I know is one of your favorite things) and I'm just glad that it doesn't feel forced....

    I think that the last two stanzas are stronger than the first two....very honest...(at least you can admit that you DID abandon love...)

    Of course as soon as I read the last stanza I immediately referenced it to the Bible...even though that's not your style...but it made sense....well, if you think about it as like "apple of my eye..." since that refers to the pupil, which in turn could mean sight...not just literal but metaphorical too. You left your sight, your knowledge, your love behind to become someone's property....haha Idk maybe I'm reaching now....

    That ending is just....so sad....
    I really loved it though...it was an Oh Shit moment for me ^_^ I not only took it as....a woman being your castle...but just....like...you left your world (or kingdom or whatever) defensless....and now there are other people (or one certain man) that's replaced you....sort of like a filler....

    Life went on here...and you're....stuck...in chains and dreaming about your past life... Maybe.
    | Posted on 2009-06-12 00:00:00 | by was_i_ever_real | [ Reply to This ]

    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?


    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    a leaf of shadow and edge written by Daniel Barlow
    // Seasonal Song written by ShadowParadox
    Twin Intercept written by Daniel Barlow
    The Want written by Daniel Barlow
    Relentless. The Visceral Fracture. written by Daniel Barlow
    The Human Harmonic written by Daniel Barlow
    Compartments written by TheStillSilence
    Keep written by TheStillSilence
    (Untitled Song) written by TeslaKoyal
    A Sense Of Things written by Daniel Barlow
    Live In Between written by teika5
    Delicious Stews written by elephantasia
    Whispered written by endlessgame23
    Beauty Rest written by jackz
    Lost Inside the Race written by ForgottenGraves
    Untitled written by Daniel Barlow
    Snippet written by Daniel Barlow
    None the Wiser written by endlessgame23
    Day 6 written by TheStillSilence
    Ciggarettes written by Poetic_tragedy6
    When Sirens Whisper written by HisNameIsNoMore
    A Worsening Effect written by Daniel Barlow
    Johnny's Cock written by endlessgame23
    Night- time written by Daniel Barlow
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth written by endlessgame23
    Florida's Autumn Solstice written by closetpoet
    Meaningless Meanings written by ForgottenGraves
    Hyle written by endlessgame23
    Deep written by Janesaddiction
    Lie back & tan written by Daniel Barlow




    User Name:


    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]

    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]

    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]