The Capsule by PO3TiKPO1SON

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dots

<< | >>

Submission Name: The Capsule dots

--------------------------------------------------------

Author:	PO3TiKPO1SON
ASL Info:	22/yes,male/El Paso Tx
Elite Ratio:	5.26 - 7/5/3
Words:	153

Class/Type:	Poetry/Longing
Total Views:	930
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	836

Description:
lets just say that im in the army, and i have lost waay 2 much because of it. (picture is related)

p.s. title of this poem will change as soon as Kryslee makes up her mind..(i asked her 2 give it a title..like..a month ago). :p

The Capsule dots

-------------------------------------------

Unimaginable and irrational,
only time can topple the obstacle.
An abominable pothole,
no 'oh shit' handle 2 grab hold.

This soldiers soul is past cold,
though his mind is bold..past gold.
Through gravel...he travels...amongst assholes,
beholding hassles...as battles unravel.

His knowlege of living is ample...
with samples and vivid examples.
Haunted by phantoms...of love he abandoned,
at random his heart is dismantled.

He dreams of the Apples he traded for shackles,
the demons he grapples...chuckle and cackle.
He rants and he rambles, canned in a capsule,
in shambles, while another man sleeps in his castle.

-Raziel Flores

Submitted on 2009-06-12 04:25:16 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  Wow so very strong! Good poem. I can almost here the beat in my head.
| Posted on 2009-06-17 00:00:00 | by wolfgurl830 | [ Reply to This ]
  Well, the imagery was quite ineffective, as I didn't quite get the whole picture. Some of the rhymes were questionable. I liked the piece, but I think it could do with a bit of work. It seems as if the soldier has been fighting a while to try to save his love, but in the end it was all useless and he lost. Is that about it, or did I get it completely wrong?
| Posted on 2009-06-13 00:00:00 | by Dreamer5009 | [ Reply to This ]
  The first lines makes me think of when you first joined the army....and I thought to myself....What the Hell????

It seems like this one was focused a lot on rhyme (which I know is one of your favorite things) and I'm just glad that it doesn't feel forced....

I think that the last two stanzas are stronger than the first two....very honest...(at least you can admit that you DID abandon love...)

Of course as soon as I read the last stanza I immediately referenced it to the Bible...even though that's not your style...but it made sense....well, if you think about it as like "apple of my eye..." since that refers to the pupil, which in turn could mean sight...not just literal but metaphorical too. You left your sight, your knowledge, your love behind to become someone's property....haha Idk maybe I'm reaching now....

That ending is just....so sad....
I really loved it though...it was an Oh Shit moment for me ^_^ I not only took it as....a woman being your castle...but just....like...you left your world (or kingdom or whatever) defensless....and now there are other people (or one certain man) that's replaced you....sort of like a filler....

Life went on here...and you're....stuck...in chains and dreaming about your past life... Maybe.
| Posted on 2009-06-12 00:00:00 | by was_i_ever_real | [ Reply to This ]

Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

1. Be honest.
2. Try not to give only compliments.
3. How did it make you feel?
4. Why did it make you feel that way?
5. Which parts?
6. What distracted from the piece? 7. What was unclear?
8. What does it remind you of?
9. How could it be improved?
10. What would you have done differently?
11. What was your interpretation of it?
12. Does it feel original?

175388

Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
It means a lot to them, as it does to you.
On Top of a Water Wheel written by Wolfwatching
Stretto written by saartha
Incubus written by monad
You Make Me speechless written by elephantasia
In the Mouth of Elysium written by HisNameIsNoMore
In My Head written by faideddarkness
Pressure written by hybridsongwrite
Cage written by distortedcloud
Can't let my demons go written by faideddarkness
Sunt Mala Quae Libas written by MyPeriodical
Watch them Die written by HisNameIsNoMore
Lunch written by HisNameIsNoMore
All Time Low written by Janesaddiction
By the bar written by expiring_touch
It's been a while written by Sharati_hottie
Still written by HisNameIsNoMore
Fathoms of the Lullaby Sea written by HisNameIsNoMore
The Last to Walk the Earth written by HisNameIsNoMore
Faith In Line written by MyPeriodical
Aftermath and Waltz written by HisNameIsNoMore
Tides of Man written by HisNameIsNoMore
Genesis written by saartha
Hopelessly Blind written by ForgottenGraves
Blood to Plowshares written by HisNameIsNoMore
Dirge of Nostalgia written by HisNameIsNoMore
Limbo written by HisNameIsNoMore
Ten Poems written by Wolfwatching
Skulls Beyond the Palisade written by HisNameIsNoMore
I'm here written by BloodtornAngel
To the Epilogue written by HisNameIsNoMore

Enter your search terms Submit search form

Web www.eliteskills.com

[ Quick Signup ]
[ Lost Password ]

January 10 07
131,497 Poems
Posted

I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

[ Angst Poetry ]
[ Cutters ]
[ Famous Poetry ]
[ Poetry Scams ]

FontSize:
[ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]

Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3 It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
It means a lot to them, as it does to you.