She's too cool for me. I can see it, the look in her eyes. There is nothing wistful about her. She owns this life. Everything she does is purposeful. And me, a supposed man, can't even talk to her. She is the woman of my dreams, and I don't think I can say a goddamned thing. Of course, there have been lots of other girls I never said anything to in the past. But this time it is different. Well, everytime it is different. But this time it is really different. I'm in High School again, listening to "Ticket to Ride" and being oh-so-incredibly emo. I am tossing ideas around in my head like, "I don't like her enough to be with her." "Look at the guys she likes, I can't be like that." "I don't have enough personality/charm/you name it to be worthy." "She is with someone else, it is hopeless."
Normally I delve into my insecurities as an excuse to not even try to chase the girls I want to love or I make some sarcastic remark to her that makes it seem like I don't care. Sometimes I really don't, and it is mutual, but much of the time I do and they confirm my fears and evidently truly don't give a shit. I take things for granted and don't tell them how much I care. If I care too much, I make excuses to keep my distance. But recently I have run into something different. I am still doing the same things, internally, but externally it is strange. There is no high road for me to take. She is too damn cool for me. Simply the sexiest, cutest, smartest, sassiest, most fearless, most adventurous, best sense of humor having and perfectly adjusted to a certain amount of slacker mentality in her vicinity. The kind of slacker mentality that entertains and gets her off, not the sick and sad life force sucking energy that those amongst us fortunate enough to have had some old fashioned, "let's teach the boy character" parents are perpetually blessed with.
I am in your vicinity.
I will see you again. I wont let you know. Not a goddamned thing. You have your boyfriend. You have your life. I am just the dorky dude you see every so often that you will forget once you realize how much I lack in the department of making things happen.
But I'll be thinking about you.
And in my head we'll be in the hallways making out during 10 minute passing. Times when I was alone, and I could really have used someone as beautiful as you in my life to make things more tolerable. We will find each other.
We will be in High School again.