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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: ALL NIGHTMARE LONGdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: redeemer
    ASL Info:    19/female/venus
    Elite Ratio:    4.08 - 85/93/58
    Words: 159
    Class/Type: Misc/Misc
    Total Views: 768
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1139



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsALL NIGHTMARE LONGdots
    -------------------------------------------


    I am standing across from a house...There is a vast expanse of water between the house and myself...

    The house was fully illuminated...Bright light gleeming through every crack...every window...every oriface of the house....

    The water gleemed and sparkled....The light from then house splashing small flecks of light...The light danced with the waves...I watched it sway...dazed by its beauty...

    There was a whisper of beautiful music in the distance...The longer I stayed there...The louder it became...

    The sound became immense...Beautiful, melodic voices...All in perfect sink with eachother....I was overcome with tears...And fell to my knees...

    And it was then I realized who's house this was...

    I knew I was in the presence of GOD....

    And I spoke...

    "GOD MAY I TALK TO YOU?"...

    The choir halted mid hymn...The music ended abruptely...

    And I called out...

    "GOD, PLEASE, MAY I TALK TO YOU?"

    The lights went out....





    Submitted on 2009-06-13 21:10:37     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      I am standing across (what? the road? a field? there is no reference point here) from a house...There is a vast expanse of water between the house and myself...

    The house was fully illuminated...Bright light (gleaming from) every crack...every window...every (orifice) of the house....

    The water (gleamed) and sparkled....The light from (the) house splashing small flecks of light...The light danced with the waves...I watched it sway...(dazzled) by its beauty...

    There was a whisper of beautiful music in the distance...The longer I stayed there...The louder it became...

    The sound became immense...Beautiful, melodic voices...All in perfect (harmony with one another)....I was overcome with tears...And fell to my knees...

    And it was then I realized (whose) house this was...

    I knew I was in the presence of GOD....

    And I spoke...

    "GOD MAY I TALK TO YOU?"...

    The choir halted mid hymn...The music ended (abruptly)...

    And I called out...

    "GOD, PLEASE, MAY I TALK TO YOU?"

    The lights went out....



    I made a few suggestions in parentheses in the text above that can easily be remedied with spell check when you clean up the text.

    There appears to be a strong fear of disconnection from religion at the core this write (though not necessarily a separation from God) which the title only seems to confirm. Though some may use this as an excuse for accusation that all religions serve the purpose of separating souls and crushing them with guilt, this does appear to be the tone of this work. This a case where the human voice feels that it is too small and unworthy to be heard. If that is the case, those are interesting thoughts.

    Just my babble, ma'am.
    Bill
    | Posted on 2009-06-14 00:00:00 | by rws | [ Reply to This ]
      the wording and description puts things in a very beautiful light. i think perhaps that tone can give worth to the end and make it tangible but if there's something tangible or linear with the use of metaphor in the imagery i may be missing it. doesn't stop it from somehow working. the .......in.........out..........kinda thing appeared somewhat.......ameratuer(;to mispell a key word), not to be rude, i'm prolly moreso than you. but it did seem for a lack of better devices. it worked for the feel so maybe that's just a personal perspective.

    i like how at the end it stops as the lights go out.

    it leaves room for question as the implication "light" could have in this line.
    | Posted on 2009-06-14 00:00:00 | by cornonthekob | [ Reply to This ]


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