[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav

  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav

    << | >>

    dots Submission Name: The American Dreamdots

    Author: Jessa
    ASL Info:    29/f/pa
    Elite Ratio:    3.73 - 221/209/73
    Words: 181
    Class/Type: Poetry/Venting
    Total Views: 970
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1072

       Just a little angry at the system right now. I had signed my life away to the US military, just to be spit out and forgotten...I have been a law-abiding, tax paying citizen who has medical problems. I cannot get government help because I am single and have no children. But I seem to surrounded by baby poppers that can't keep a job for no good reason...but they have nothing to worry about because I am gonna work my crippled ass into the grave to feed THEIR children. Birth control works people!!!If you can't afford to buy your own home or even to take care of yourself...STOP FORNICATING!!!

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsThe American Dreamdots

    Insanity bleeds over a grieving heart
    All that is left has been torn apart
    Some pieces are worth mending with needle & thread
    But the land of the living assumes itself dead
    Hanging onto nothing and praying for a prayer
    Self destruction defeats layer by layer

    A bright future awaits, just as the bills that pile
    Blood, sweat , & tears in an abyss of denial
    Previously hopeful with the utmost devotion
    Sucked completely dry of human emotion

    By laws of nature; we are what we breed
    Spitting out spawns that we cannot feed
    Section 8 heaven for those who lack
    Responsibility pays, as we live in a shack
    An American nightmare, disguised as a dream
    If you pay taxes...you're on the wrong team

    A bright future turns dark as we wake from our beds
    Another day of battle as we choke down our meds
    Previously human, now lies and empty shell
    Doomed to live forever in it's very own hell

    Submitted on 2009-06-14 21:24:43     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      Er, I just made you a long comment. But if you aren't in the mood, here is a short one too: I agree with Ron Cole(below).

    He is a dead cool poet .. you read him? Worth it.
    | Posted on 2009-06-26 00:00:00 | by Glen Bowman | [ Reply to This ]
      Makes me laugh - kinda two-sidedly. I had to discharge because of merely mental injuries on active service. Well then I turned into one of the people you are complaining about. Forty years later, I have three children and three granchildren, umpteen nieces and nephews and their children, my ex-wife's four other children, and the families they will develop ... they all better get good jobs and keep me in a good rate of pension payments for as long as I can keep this skeleton in motion, is what I reckon anyway.

    But I did help them all grow up. Nobody is totally useless as long as I got my ego, is my philosophy.

    Look how successful this poem is: it starts every commentator talking!

    It is a sort of song for the public, a polemic of social concern - not only a personal expression.
    Being outright political in spirit, it is probably the right psychology to make it a regular rhymed set of stanzas that might once have been called a ballad or an ode. However - to bag the verseform a bit - it is not a very crafty piece of verse. If it were written to be shouted at a meeting, recited in cabaret to tabla or clarinet, read in a book, sent to a friend by snailmail, or any other very special thing you can do with a poem, that special purpose would have dictated some very special verseform, and you might have had to study the past, looking for hints from tradition. In fact, that's what happenend since you wrote a piece that is very like an "ode" in "heroic couplets", but (forgive me) a bit simpleminded about the composition.

    I wouldn't say that if you were not also far, far from being simpleminded about verse composition. The last two lines (if anybody else is reading this too?) could start an argument about scansion that would last all night! But you know they are good, that's why you made them like that.

    Another good thing you do here is speak in a particular style - not common speech, but still idiomatic - and you do it consistently, showing the reader a language of your own, one that will develop as something special for your expression and the readers' learning in their language. In the earlier poems, your own poetic language is developing; it is quite strongly about your way of putting a plainly told story into verse, and not quite so strongly about providing striking and evocative metaphors. Most of your figures are from well-known talk and writing, not your own inventions. That's maybe bad, unless it is on purpose. I dunno ... well, I do know that when every dot and breath in a piece of verse is on purpose and aimed at one feeling, it's dynamite and the writer knows it too!

    Concerning "the five tropes", another one is irony, and I notice some situations you talk about that are totally ironic, shockingly so, yet somehow the verse does not take that tone. I don't know whether that is good or bad. Probably good, because unusual! I got a buzz, anyway! Maybe sarcasm and the like are quite shallow or unnecessary, once you got a story that scrapes its own fingernail on its own blackboard!

    Studying the verseform, I reckon that you have a kind of line and stanza that suit you fine, but are being ignorant about the rhyme-scheme. I can't write you a book about rhyme here, because you already got bored with me. In fact, nobody ever wrote a book about rhyme that a poet would have any use for. But if you don't want to become a rhyme wizard, really it might be better to make the verses blank. Secret is, good rhyme goes along with sense, through the whole text, it creates a network of emphases, it links distant lines, and it works with some concealed and internal and partial rhymes, as well as with all the other sonant devices. If your head naturally produces couplets, or whatever, then that is "doggerel" until you develop a sophisticated art of it after reading some dead poets. It's like glaze in pottery. You can make wonderful pots with no glaze; but if you want glaze, then you are going to study chemistry! Even for raku.

    | Posted on 2009-06-26 00:00:00 | by Glen Bowman | [ Reply to This ]
      This is expertly structured, and an excellent philosophical write.

    Nice work Jessa!
    | Posted on 2009-06-23 00:00:00 | by Ron Cole | [ Reply to This ]
      I hear your discontent with the system loud and clear. Things are worse than ever because of constant government interference and preferences. I am a lot older than you and have seen a lot of change for the worse over the years as more segments of the people vie for more of the pie. Seems everyone is wanting the government to be there for them and there are plenty of politicians willing to promise it. The government should be there when it is needed but a lot of what goes on is not needed. Younger people like you are expected to pay for it all. As the population gets older, there is ever greater pressure on the young to support the old. We are also now going into a left movement to socialism although those who are taking us there deny it is socialism. I say if it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck and looks like a duck, it's a duck. The more the government controls our lives, the less freedom we have to enjoy our lives. I am sure my parents and their parents had a joy of life being eroded away by the big government hand. Sorry for the rant, it just kept coming out.
    | Posted on 2009-06-21 00:00:00 | by my shadow | [ Reply to This ]
      Very true! I thank you for being another person who shares my view of things. You just said it better than I did. You have an amazing talent to get your point across, I think I would like to hear more of your work. Thank you oh so much for sharing. If I may, I might suggest you take a look at one of my poems similar to this, "How the world is". Again, Bravo! Great work here.
    | Posted on 2009-06-15 00:00:00 | by Dreamer5009 | [ Reply to This ]

    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?


    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    Giving written by jjd
    Fathoms of the Lullaby Sea written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Hollow Points written by RequiemOfDreams
    Treasure Chest written by PieceOfCake
    To written by SavedDragon
    May 31 2018 written by Chelebel
    Pain, an elixir. written by Ramneet
    cleverly shunned written by CrypticBard
    untitled written by Chelebel
    You Make Me speechless written by elephantasia
    Linger written by saartha
    Sunset written by rev.jpfadeproof
    Be Free written by hybridsongwrite
    I will call out your name written by RisingSon
    Love Can Be... written by HAVENSMITH92
    To the King written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Transparent written by Daniel Barlow
    This written by Chelebel
    Ten Poems written by Wolfwatching
    Red Barn written by rev.jpfadeproof
    Trails written by Daniel Barlow
    Bond written by saartha
    It's been a while written by Sharati_hottie
    Hopelessly Blind written by ForgottenGraves
    4th Season of Vivaldi written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Pressure written by hybridsongwrite
    Song written by Daniel Barlow
    One Thing written by Wolfwatching
    Munyonyo written by expiring_touch
    Once Again written by krs3332003




    User Name:


    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]

    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]

    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]