well it was a good structure . it trapped me to think many things and then gave me the mesagge with that birth ... i love it ... good job ... adn ill check more writings of you ... well.. bye and take car e keep on writing .. and well why dont you check my work i will be happy if you can help me in my writing style.. peace and love! victor!
Love the way you trick the reader into thinking that it is death just to twist it around in the end. It is well written and th esize suits the poem, but I think that there is something wrong with this peice. Are you implying that people forget their births after they are done? Do you remember your birth? The point of view of this poem is off because a new born child has an undeveloped mind. But I did like the creative outlook you portrayed in this peice. Thanks for the read.
First let me say that I loved this poem. The twisting of the near death/near birth experiences is very dramatic. I agree with others that you should tone it down a bit. New borns do not struggle until they must start breathing on their own. Otherwise they are virtually sleeping peacefully. Why not make the baby's journey a quiet one, and then at arrival, things are not what they were before, and the screaming begins. I liked the way you constructed the opening line, like it's a continuation, and the closing line is just right too, short and to the point. Soften the journey and add the struggle at the end and this brilliant piece will be even better. Loved it the way it is though>
I liked the twist in this, --but felt that the surprise element could be made more effective with different word usage--a bit more subtle perhaps than "kicking and screaming--causing pain" The reason I feel this, is that until then, the impression is of someone having a near-death experience---which happens in an unconscious or other-conscious state--not conducive to thrashing about.You create this tender,solictous scene with an angel gently soothing and easing a soul into a new existence,--then, to my ears at least you put up quite a fight--for a comatose person...and unintentionally let the drama go a bit flat.
I think this could be simply brilliant, but that it needs to be reworked, --sculpted for maximum effect.
I am not sure how I would approach that desired effect though,--words like struggled, strained, --instead of "fought"?--(the kicking and screaming occur after babies are expelled--and I don't think the "causing pain" line fits there.)
Better yet,- describe the "near-birth" experience--the panic, fear, resistance,-- yet an inexplicable, irresistible , compelling force --the heart-pounding---the certain knowledge that life as you know it is about to end...and how that seems at once frightening , yet mysteriously fascinating.You want to re-create a perinatal experience--and have the reader believe you are talking about ending THIS mortal life, when in fact you are describing leaving a former life of sorts.
Dr, Raymond Moody illustrated a number of similarities between the processes of entering --and leaving this life. Included are great physical distress,--uncomfortable, unfamiliar noise,--moving rapidly through a long dark tunnel--then the sensation of a "different" physical body, and the feeling of loving, caring "others"--a brightness, a light,--a feeling that comfort, peace , joy and contentment are just within reach.("Life After Life") This poem echoes those ideas,--but just faintly. This a subject near and dear to my heart, so i want you to work it into a fantastic favorite!
In "Broca's Brain" ,Carl Sagan hypothesizes that those who undergo near-death experiences,--are really recalling their own perinatal experience. just as we cannot comprehend death until we experience it, neither can we can comprehend physical life until after birth. We enter this existence by being born, leaving behind a former existence beyond our ken , and death brings the end of this "new" existence and the beginning of a new one. Death is a period ,-- Birth the capital letter of the next sentence..and some say the story never ends. Go for it.
You made me smile with this simple approach (or was it more like a hard landing?) to mortality as we know it. While you will get all sorts of philosophical ponderings as a relult of posting this piece, the bottom line is it was darling!
Ya know, all these comments are pretty touching and everything but really when you think about it, the cycle of conscious life is just one long ass tunnel...you are forced through a birthole like a golf ball through an esauphagus..single choices that make life linear...and then you're stuffed in a freakin pine box as you are allegedly "laid to rest"...as you watch your fluttering spirt squirm into the sky just as you were when you were still in your daddy's nutsack...life is beautiful.
I think that perhaps everyone, and there are many comments, has missed the fact that the title indicates it is neither about the living or the dying but of the listening and the doing what you were told. So often I just slam a title on, perhaps changing it later, with some trite meaning or no meaning at all, but here you have surely called this Angel Said for a good reason. Nicely done.
ok now THIS is cool. Instead of coming through the front door, you came in through a window! ... I should say, an attic window for all your unbelievably twisted ending/beginning. I saw cleverness in reading it for the first time...amusement the second, and hope the third time around. Wow! I should get to bed, embrace my new entrance in tomorrow's luxuries...hmmmm...
An interesting portrayal... I've often wondered...is there a consciousness of soul, before birth? This piece reminds me of a show I saw once... A woman was pregnant, and it was time to choose the soul who would be that child. The prospective soul was given a "contract of life" to sign... but it was also a portal, through which she could see events from the future if she chose to live. At first she saw only bad things, injuries she would sustain as a child, sickness, her parents dying... and she said no. So the angels had to find another soul... but the portal was still working, and it began to show her the love she would have... at the last minute she changed her mind, and chose to live...
Anyway..! This is a great piece. Very simple, yet expressive. The birth experience is not pleasant, for mother or child... and yet so much joy can come of it. An excellent twist on the average "light at the end of the tunnel" write! <><
This was one of those wierd poems that really catch me off guard. I looked at it at first and was like "um, ok." but then, after reading it a couple more times, realized how brilliant it really is. I love the way you incorporated the simulated feeling of having just died only to realize that you are being born. I guess this could symbolize all kinds of stuff, like reincarnation or some other type of "rebirth" (rebirth in itself is a metaphor for all kinds of stuff). Anyway, I agree with Aaron, hurry up and publish yourself a book and count me in on purchasing a copy! Always a fan, ~Jared
it really all has been said hasnt it? but i just wanted to let you know that i enjoyed reading this .. the twist at the end that everyone else mentioned was great.. very original take on a topic that has been exhausted.
nice little twist about being born instead of dying. i wouldn't want to go, either, if i had the chance again! what a fuc.ked up world i'd have to come into. i'd rather stay in the nice little womb. this was like just coming in on the middle of something, like "hey, i'm sleeping here in this nice soft womb. go find some other sucker to send into battle!"
Ahhh Very nicely done. I'm glad you threw that twist in at the end, because I feared you were being cliché, but you weren't. You were being clever I wouldn't change a thing about this piece. Nice write!
Excellent, I really like how you did that at the end, great! Can't see grammatical errors through out the piece, prob cause its not exceptionally long (jk) But definetly a good job, and kudo's for not being cliché' and being original.
this is pretty cute! at first was a little confused in the begining but the end told it all and i got it.lol. when i read the title i thought i was going to be reading something else but thats ok this was good! BrennA
this kinda cements my belief in reincarnation... I do honestly think we die and come back after a brief respite.. I know that many people don't subscribe to this but.. hey, at least I'm not sacrificing bunnies and eating babies, eh?
This is making me think of a whole new beginning, and after that could follow it... you've too much of a poetent ideal to let this one lie.. c'mon, honeaaay.... Dare ya!
I thought this was pretty good. You described the end of life and then showed the actual meaning was the beginning. It was something that I liked and thought you executed very well. I liked the very first line the best. It just was just what the peice needed to set the pace. Thanks for the work I enjoyed it.
i think enough people have noted the duality, or, um, triality, as it were of this...death, birth, reincarnation...or more of the Live "Lightning Crashes" thing, where one goes out as the other comes in...it is very well done, gently gliding the reader along a familiar path, and before we know it, we're in a totally foreign place that never was down this path before...
but in a totally different way, this reminds me of a performer, completely wracked with stage fright, having to be coaxed onto the stage by roadies, managers, girl/boyfriends, bandmates, sound technicians, light guys, camera ops, and him/herself...but when they finally get out there, despite all hesitations and reluctance, they find exactly what the were looking for...this doesn't mean that the next time will be any easier (as with birth/death/etc...) but next time is already forgotten in right now...i like that...
thank you angela for a unique and fun write that leaves all the doors open...