Description: i wrote this from what i would imagine would be his point of view. enjoy loves
make her stay -------------------------------------------
tell me about the place she goes when she doesnt respond to my voice
i want to be with her but i know its all her choice
i imagine her dreams to be filled with flowers and joy
but this is the puzzle and i know im just her toy
the pain goes deep
and i cant sleep
i can hear her weep
and its making me weak
and its making me love her
my world is a blur
shes leaving me unsure
shes leaving me no cure
for this broken heart she gave me yesterday
just make it go away
just make her stay
and what is it i could ever say
to make her see
me as me
and her and we
and i cant be
after seeing behind the door
of her minds galore
and im her whore
I like the imagery it's very vivid. To me it seems as if you're trying to tell a story and if that's the case stanzas would have help the flow greatly. The rhyme is good but remember everything doesn't have to rhyme you were struggling to make it happen. As long as it portrays what you feel and want it to show and it flows it shouldn't be your main concern. In all I have to say I really enjoyed and liked and even related to it
The rhyme scheme seemed a little forced, and at times a bit choppy, I enjoyed the images though. Also I think it could make the piece not only easier to follow in terms of the speakers thoughts, but it would help the rhyme scheme if you added a bit of punctuation.
good work though.
This is a confusing poem, not least because of the rhyme scheme. I feel it's a little forced towards the end, although it flows nicely at the beginning. It made me think of shadows, whispered words of false meaning, and frenzied thoughts.
I think the shortening of lines as the poem progressed was extremely effective in speeding the poem up; I felt drawn into it - keep this up, it's great!
This piece could be improved by a rhythm, which would make it easier to read. Maybe a little bit of grammar wouldn't go amiss either here.
All in all, a good piece. Keep up the good work!