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    dots Submission Name: make her staydots

    Author: ladiesplanet1
    ASL Info:    23.cali baby
    Elite Ratio:    3.58 - 720/463/165
    Words: 145
    Class/Type: Poetry/Broken
    Total Views: 769
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 810

       i wrote this from what i would imagine would be his point of view. enjoy loves

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsmake her staydots

    tell me about the place she goes when she doesnt respond to my voice
    i want to be with her but i know its all her choice
    i imagine her dreams to be filled with flowers and joy
    but this is the puzzle and i know im just her toy
    the pain goes deep
    and i cant sleep
    i can hear her weep
    and its making me weak
    and its making me love her
    my world is a blur
    shes leaving me unsure
    shes leaving me no cure
    for this broken heart she gave me yesterday
    just make it go away
    just make her stay
    and what is it i could ever say
    to make her see
    me as me
    and her and we
    and i cant be
    alone anymore
    after seeing behind the door
    of her minds galore
    and im her whore

    Submitted on 2009-06-16 20:37:12     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      I like the imagery it's very vivid. To me it seems as if you're trying to tell a story and if that's the case stanzas would have help the flow greatly. The rhyme is good but remember everything doesn't have to rhyme you were struggling to make it happen. As long as it portrays what you feel and want it to show and it flows it shouldn't be your main concern. In all I have to say I really enjoyed and liked and even related to it
    | Posted on 2009-07-01 00:00:00 | by xSkybeilx | [ Reply to This ]
      The rhyme scheme seemed a little forced, and at times a bit choppy, I enjoyed the images though. Also I think it could make the piece not only easier to follow in terms of the speakers thoughts, but it would help the rhyme scheme if you added a bit of punctuation.
    good work though.
    | Posted on 2009-06-17 00:00:00 | by ira | [ Reply to This ]
      This is a confusing poem, not least because of the rhyme scheme. I feel it's a little forced towards the end, although it flows nicely at the beginning. It made me think of shadows, whispered words of false meaning, and frenzied thoughts.
    I think the shortening of lines as the poem progressed was extremely effective in speeding the poem up; I felt drawn into it - keep this up, it's great!
    This piece could be improved by a rhythm, which would make it easier to read. Maybe a little bit of grammar wouldn't go amiss either here.
    All in all, a good piece. Keep up the good work!
    | Posted on 2009-06-17 00:00:00 | by Ceasing End | [ Reply to This ]

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