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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: -untitled-dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: xxiknownowxx
    ASL Info:    16/F/GA
    Elite Ratio:    4.8 - 128/41/40
    Words: 314
    Class/Type: Misc/Misc
    Total Views: 384
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1874



    Description:
       Eh, all screwed up. Forgive I know, I have to fix. It's quite terrible.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dots-untitled-dots
    -------------------------------------------


    Is this what you really sought out for?
    This withered land parched where there are no trees to shade the past.
    But my dear, when you look out that window,
    And find a whole through the edge that we so valiantly fought for,
    Giving in the time of the wind that has carried along itís sorrow.

    Have you asked them the right questions?
    Did you notice that broken glass there?
    As our feet walked on to reach that place sitting there above our heads, mocking and all we do now is scream that you were last?!
    You were last?
    I had never really found you but you were last.

    Iíve made it farther before along this forgotten path that weíve come to cross,
    But when you think you carried it around, your strength so strong, but unrealized, impaired.
    While believing your thoughts whispered truth among the others,
    Did you ever really sit back and look for all those footsteps following along where you believed you walked as you stared at your face in the mirror?
    But honey, I can no longer take this load, this load that you've said we've held together for so long.
    And where those nails kept those hinges, Iíve never found.
    And where that plaster held those cracks together, Iíve never seen.

    Finished we came to find,
    With all of this defeat.
    And finished we have become
    Taking that mud and spreading our disease across that table where they sat and laughed among our hidden times, wantings, wonderings and travels.

    With no one left to rely on, our voices cracked no longer echoing your name
    And so many times I offered and tried to pass it around
    But you gave me it all still.
    So if all of our passage ways fall down now,
    Am I the one that you should blame?




    Submitted on 2009-06-17 01:05:18     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      Hey this is not bad at all, i can see a few spelling errors but nothing too nasty, like in the first stanza you say "whole" but i think you meant "hole", just sounds a bit obscure with the original meaning. Unless that is what you wanted offcourse.

    Second stanza is well written although i felt the repeating of "you were last!?" was said once too often and slowed the tempo down considerably compared to the flow from the start.

    The rest of the piece flows nicely and i can't really see any forced aim at rhyming or such so that made it enjoyable. Your work is well written it just needs a tad of polishing here and there to make it shine the way it's supposed to. So having said that i have to add i liked it and would like to see more. :-)

    -Svw
    | Posted on 2009-09-08 00:00:00 | by Clayman | [ Reply to This ]


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