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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Your Voice, A Tumbleweeddots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Cloacina
    ASL Info:    25/F/KY
    Elite Ratio:    5.24 - 20/53/54
    Words: 129
    Class/Type: Misc/Misc
    Total Views: 960
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 975



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsYour Voice, A Tumbleweeddots
    -------------------------------------------


    Her voice is a tumbleweed.
    It rolls
    a buoyant, airy thing.

    As free
    as the course of light,
    the path of water,
    a rush of air.

    Things that bend
    and turn to accept,
    collecting life as they go,
    but never giving up their shape,
    nor base content.

    Ocassionally it stumbles,
    catches,
    rests for a breath,
    but it always regains momentum,
    and floats along
    its unplanned way.

    It rambles and runs
    in intricate overlapping lines,
    but forms a strong frame
    around the empty spaces
    where she tucks her mystery.

    The substance is rough
    and dry,
    but delicate and whimsical
    in its way.
    It is both intricate and simple.
    Creative
    and without design.

    I love it because it is real-
    somehow elegant,
    but largely
    unrefined.




    Submitted on 2009-06-17 12:27:27     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      This was good, really good.

    I'll start with a query- why a tumbleweed? I think it gives you a good canvas on which to build your analogy, but it doesn't quite work simply because of the negative connotations. A tumbleweed is by definition boring, and signifies a lack of substance in the surroundings. It could work if you're trying to establish a dichotomy between the subject and the 'emptiness' of everything else ('the world is nothing without you' etc.), but I don't think that fits with the overall feel of the poem.

    Maybe a bubble? A balloon? But they can be popped too easily and have a limited existence... mmm. A flower petal or a blossom is maybe too delicate, would render some of the analogy irrelevant and is definitely less original.

    Just a question of making your analogy work on a literal level before diving into the figurative possibilities.

    There are two reasons that I like this- the first one is that it describes the subject's voice in a way that resonates with me, and is similar to how I define people close to me. It's funny how we can form so much meaning around something as seemingly banal as a voice.

    My second reason for liking this was that it is simply very well written. I especially enjoyed the final three stanzas, and the final one really struck a chord:

    I love it because it is real-
    somehow elegant,
    but largely
    unrefined.

    Just captures everything I like about loving a person.

    Thank you for sharing, take care.

    Ben
    | Posted on 2009-06-18 00:00:00 | by Civilian | [ Reply to This ]
      I won't bother with critique, this wins the reader over. A very good poem. I don't want to repeat whats so obvious about the piece except to say you pulled it off, your love-letter almost.

    -Craig
    | Posted on 2009-06-17 00:00:00 | by Raphael | [ Reply to This ]


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    175621

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


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