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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Ah! Sei tu!dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: rev.jpfadeproof
    ASL Info:    27/m/nyc
    Elite Ratio:    6.14 - 366/359/149
    Words: 100
    Class/Type: Poetry/Passion
    Total Views: 549
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 864



    Description:
       edited version...thanks for your help, Bill.

    my first write in about a couple years!
    go easy on me. this is my first draft and
    i havent decided if i will add anymore to this piece yet. all comments are welcomed.
    thanx
    john-paul

    p.s. ah! sei tu (it's you) ben venga (good for you to be here)...comes from the last lines in act 2 spoken by Canio in the opera il Pagliacci.

    http://home.earthlink.net/~markdlew/lib/pagliacci/pag2.htm


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsAh! Sei tu!dots
    -------------------------------------------


    Ah!
    Sei tu!, still evening
    Ben venga!
    Divulge your secrets, lest
    I wield my tongue and
    lacerate.

    Tell me,
    of
    lovers strolling the
    sacred winding aisle,
    beneath
    the canopy of centuries,
    as enchanted eyes
    gaze into firmament.
    Mouths
    move rhythmically with the
    dalliance of galaxies.

    -Telltale moon, I shall tell thee a tale-

    Delicate flower
    Ive lassoed you
    with my lips.
    Upon morning's wings
    you've arched your back.
    Your breast are lambs,
    your nipples tangerines
    clenched
    betwixt my teeth.

    -In haste-

    almost losing
    almost smothering you,
    roselet,
    Ive devoured you with
    a solitary swallow...




    Submitted on 2009-06-18 18:06:10     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      Your breast are lambs? Someone got excited and forgot the "s"!

    Kind of racy for a man pictured behind a pulpit, don't you think?

    If you have time, read my "She" if you haven't yet. My thoughts on why men (and even some angels) could never resist the powers of women.

    Your poem has kind of a classy air to it. Well kept in the vein of opera.
    | Posted on 2010-06-26 00:00:00 | by Blue Monk | [ Reply to This ]
      Yeah, that's great rws, really helpful...

    Anyway, I shall attempt to give you a proper review, or at least the best I can do, with my fairly limited understanding of poetry.

    The thing that stood out the most to me about this piece was that you seemed to be trying to emulate the poems of the past - in terms of the language. I means Keats wrote the way he did because that was how people spoke in the 1800s, but it's now 2009.

    Overall though, I'd say this wasn't too bad, and it was certainly different to anything else I've read on here. I can't quite work out whether you were being serious, or if it was a bit "tongue-in-cheek".

    I liked "mouths move rhythmically", although "arched your back" was a cliché.

    Anyway, I'd say this was OK, but could perhaps do with a bit of work.

    Cheers mate.

    | Posted on 2009-06-19 00:00:00 | by alexboy | [ Reply to This ]
      Passion with the sense of possession
    as subtle as a lover's obsession
    with all that has the feathery touch
    of lips that are warm and flushed
    | Posted on 2009-06-18 00:00:00 | by rws | [ Reply to This ]


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