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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: My Mother's Room dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Raphael
    ASL Info:    20/Masculine/Eire
    Elite Ratio:    8 - 652/306/135
    Words: 179
    Class/Type: Poetry/Cutting or Mutilation
    Total Views: 191
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1163



    Description:
       Emo/Cutting


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsMy Mother's Room dots
    -------------------------------------------


    Do you remember we were in someones room and-
    I think it was my Mother's room
    December, that time you bought the fishnets

    No?

    Nothing too tacky like, a set of novelty hand-cuffs
    (cheap things broke of course), but I can't remember
    who was cuffing who

    Even when I lived at Swiftbrook, in my Mother's room
    you seemed to be carving out your old man
    and I could trace the insincerity along your leg
    dead weight
    you threw off your cloathes and lay there
    experimenting, exploring
    do you remember pulling me down on top of you?

    I would have been content
    to let you play with your food
    skewered
    only you were too busy
    picking out the bones

    I suppose it's just a passing fancy
    Summer now and all that stuff happened
    years ago
    I mean, to be honest
    you'd probably laugh
    but I can still see us there, licking each other's wounds
    yes, the great drama of my life
    it must have been in my Mother's room





    Submitted on 2009-06-19 14:49:09     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      Hahha! Your poem does sound primitive and rough! That's why it is so lovely!! Don't work on it, leave it the way it is, and if you feel that you could do better, just write another poem and leave this one like that. It would lose its uniqueness.

    I mostly like its structure, and the fact that you are addressing directly that girl, instead of just describing the "event".

    This is my favorite part: "licking each other's wounds"

    Laura
    | Posted on 2009-10-11 00:00:00 | by ChaoticLaurel | [ Reply to This ]
      Hey there Craig! Long time no speak!

    Okay, really petty criticism, but you don't need to say "room" twice at the start, it sounds bad. "I think it was my mother's" would suffice.

    There were aspects of this piece I liked, but I have to be honest, to me it felt a bit primitive, a bit rough, like a first draft. I can't quite put my finger on it, but I think it could do with a bit of a polish. Sorry to sound so vague!

    Alexboy :)
    | Posted on 2009-08-10 00:00:00 | by alexboy | [ Reply to This ]
      This poem made me [censored] CRY!! I'm an ex-cutter of two years. I sat with someone naked at night in the woods and we cut each other...

    This poem was so elusive and raw!
    It kept the consistency of your Mother's room. The fact that you capitalized the word, "Mother," emphasizes the importance of where these memories took place.

    I just...I'm speechless, and at the same time I hate you b/c you're writing is far superior than my own! I'm so envious!

    In the first stanza, you present the setting. Mother's room, December...and then you add a reminder to the person you're talking to...fishnets. It made me feel, as the reader, that I was the person your were reminding, but I couldn't remember at all.

    I just...I DON'T KNOW HOW TO SAY IT!!!

    The mention of the handcuffs...

    "in my Mother's room
    you seemed to be carving out your old man
    and I could trace the insincerity along your leg"

    That was beautiful. I imagined that she had problems w/ her father and she tried to carve them out of her flesh...

    "you threw off your cloathes and lay there
    experimenting, exploring
    do you remember pulling me down on top of you?"

    This throws in intimacy, so close, I can see it all! Even though you gave no description on what either of you looked like, I swear I could see the two of you. (*clothes).

    "I would have been content
    to let you play with your food
    skewered
    only you were too busy
    picking out the bones"

    With this, I get rushed w/ all these thoughts. It's one of the elusive parts of the poem, but I adore it! I can't describe it to you. I'd have to read and reread the poem, and, trust me, I will!

    "but I can still see us there, licking each other's wounds
    yes, the great drama of my life
    it must have been in my Mother's room"

    The first line, more intimacy, a type of secret closeness to me. Do you mean literally licking each other's wounds of figuratively? Either way...:D

    The second line, well, I'm not sure if I like it, but it sorta makes sense to go there. Still, the one bitter taste in it for me.

    It ends perfectly! The consitency of her room again, the last reminder...*sighs*

    Is it wrong to be in love w/ this poem? Lol! I feel so lame...

    -Mojy-
    | Posted on 2009-07-07 00:00:00 | by mojymo | [ Reply to This ]
      well i did enjoy the poem and i know there are no editors here but in the line:
    you threw off your cloathes and lay there
    i do believe its spelled clothes other then that very thought provoking and interesting... leaving plenty to the readers imagination while at the same time saying everything... a very interesting poem to say the least and i will be reading more of your work
    | Posted on 2009-06-22 00:00:00 | by trent | [ Reply to This ]
      I had a few levels of reaction upon reading this. The first was simply that it was a good poem, in that it provides a thought-provoking exploration of the subject matter. Also you have a real knack for avoiding too much figurative language, without sounding too descriptive. It's easy and engaging to read.

    The last few times I've read your work I've come away with a similar feeling- just that you have a real knack for looking at things in a way that most people don't.

    The second thing was that there is easily room for improvement. There are times where the general ruggedness and grittiness of your writing (which is a good thing) spills over into sloppiness. Spelling and grammar are not hard to fix, and I don't think you'd lose any of the rough-edgedness of the poem.

    I also have to hold my hand up and say that I just didn't get the penultimate stanza:

    I would have been content
    skewered
    to let you play with your food
    only you were too busy
    picking out the bones

    I have a few ideas as to what it might mean, but none that fit in with my reading of the poem. Picking the bones as a metaphor for dwelling on past secrets and problems? Playing with food as being carefree and uncommitted? I'm not sure, and would be interested to know exactly what you were going for.

    I enjoyed this, as I do most of what you write.

    Until next time

    Ben
    | Posted on 2009-06-19 00:00:00 | by Civilian | [ Reply to This ]


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