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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: For Youdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: BlueTorcher
    Elite Ratio:    5.82 - 73/57/63
    Words: 164
    Class/Type: Poetry/Serious
    Total Views: 53
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 877



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsFor Youdots
    -------------------------------------------


    I'd let all of my tears wash over you as a bath incasing you in a shield of my protection

    I'd defy gravity and float to the moon just to show you how much better you make me

    I'd surrender my very being just to be with you in mind or spirit so I could feel your pain ,share in your bliss, glow in your happiness

    I'd take all of my pain and cast it aside and take on your own because your burdens are mine

    I'd lay down and die just to see you smile and as I slipped away taking the image with me to heaven so I could always see your face

    I'd latch on to all my fears and overcome them all just to stand by your side because you make me stronger

    I'd destroy the world and still beg for your forgiveness if I made you upset because you are my only weakness




    Submitted on 2009-06-19 21:36:57     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      I love the last line, it's beautiful and honest, the entire piece is beautiful and honest. Thankyou for not forcing each line to rhyme and for simply speaking what you felt.

    Just watch the tense in this line:
    "I'd lay down and die just to see you smile and as I slipped away taking the image with me to heaven so I could always see your face"
    You begin in past tense but you waver a little in the middle.
    I'd suggest a slight rewrite:
    "I'd lay down and die just to see you smile and as I slip away I'd take your image with me to heaven so I could always see your face"

    Keep writing, keep expressing yourself, keeping moving the earth with mere words,

    Iffy
    | Posted on 2009-06-21 00:00:00 | by Iffy | [ Reply to This ]



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