Funeral Prayer by AptPupilofLife2

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Submission Name: Funeral Prayer dots

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Author:	AptPupilofLife2
ASL Info:	18/M/Berkeley,CA
Elite Ratio:	6.79 - 113/131/48
Words:	168

Class/Type:	Poetry/Love
Total Views:	44
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	956

Description:

Funeral Prayer dots

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If I ran my hands across your face
And felt again what was there . . .

Would you smile with that tilt of yours
And still cry when you yawn?
Would you still stay up all night with me
And ignore the pretty dawn?

If I ran my hands across your face
And felt again what was there . . .

If I touched your open honest eyes
And kissed below your scar
Would you dance like a fool again
And dream of being a star?

If I ran my hands across your face
And felt again what was there . . .

Would you still spend money too fast
And laugh in moments of fear?
Would you rise up from that damn box
And wonder at the crowd here?

If I ran my hands across your face
And slipped my heart to you
Would you mind loving once more
Because I still . . .

Love you too

Submitted on 2009-06-21 02:01:14 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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||| Comments |||
Perfect....no sense of forced rhyme at all....

wonderful piece
of all the perfection a little more work can be at best for the following stanzas

"Would you still spend money too fast
And laugh in moments of fear?"

Only these look out of the box...
But as a whole nice emotional touch to it.

I would also do this but it is your choice.

Would you mind loving "me" once more
Because I still . . .
| Posted on 2009-06-22 00:00:00 | by keestu | [ Reply to This ]
Very touching piece, the repetition is well used here, especially with the way it appears in the last stanza - that really impressed me.

The rhyming was a good idea, it gives the poem a very nice structure. All in all, I have to say the structure you used was my favorite part.

The wording is nice, though. Nothing wrong with it, and it seems to flow pretty well except I always trip over the last stanza. Somewhere among "Would you mind loving once more" you lose the beat and it steals a lot from the whole poem.

In Frith,
The Starless Knight
| Posted on 2009-06-21 00:00:00 | by Starless Knight | [ Reply to This ]

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